


how to succeed at business

by thirstaidkit



Series: Getting Down to Business [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, American Politics, Background Poly, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Business, Business Trip, Canonical Character Death, Complete, Corporate Espionage, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Constipation, Environmentalism, Ethical Dilemmas, Eventual Smut, F/M, Family Drama, Family Issues, Honesty, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Lies, Light Dom/sub, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Moral Ambiguity, Moral Dilemmas, Mutual Masturbation, Mutual Pining, My First Work in This Fandom, POV Ben Solo, POV Rey (Star Wars), Past Abuse, Power Dynamics, Public Nudity, Secrets, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Spanking, Suit Porn, Tourism, Trust Issues, Uncircumcised Penis, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Virgin Ben Solo, Workplace Relationship, hand holding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:48:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 51,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22577323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thirstaidkit/pseuds/thirstaidkit
Summary: First Order Technologies has been quietly buying up the recently de-regulated habitat of the western waxbilled porg, and Leia Organa's nonprofit devoted to ecological activism is determined to find out why. To this end, Leia tasks Rey, her personal assistant, with a mission: infiltrate the company and discover their plans. Can she do it? Is First Order's formidable CEO Kylo Ren really as evil as his reputation suggests? And while she figures out the answers, what else will she discover?
Relationships: Ben Solo & Han Solo, Chewbacca & Ben Solo, Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Leia Organa & Ben Solo, Leia Organa & Rey, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Poe Dameron & Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn, Poe Dameron/Finn/Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Getting Down to Business [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1835794
Comments: 94
Kudos: 177
Collections: Ijustfellintothissendhelp





	1. The Assignment

**Author's Note:**

> [](https://imgur.com/z9rFFPH)  
> this fic is brought to you by how good Adam Driver looks in suits.

“You want me to do _what?_ ” I asked the older woman, disbelieving.  


“Don’t look so surprised, Rey. We need a way to find out what they’re up to.” Leia replied. The warm, gravelly purr of authority in her voice combined with the matter-of-fact way she said things made it very difficult to argue with her, especially when she was your boss. “If you’re worried about the legality of the thing, don’t be. Leave that up to me.”  


“Is it illegal? I hadn’t even thought of that…” Not that I had much ground to stand on, using that as an argument against the thing; not after the way I had come to work for Leia in the first place. “But they’re going to know I’m not who I...I mean, I don’t have any PR experience!  


“You don’t need it. You’ve already been hired. I’ve got a guy in HR.” she said with a smirk. “Just spend some time learning the ins and outs and building up their confidence in you, and when you figure out what their plans are for that land, report back to me. Finn can cover your duties here for a while. You can do this, Rey. I have faith in you.” Leia, in her sixties but still vital, energetic, and somehow glamorous, wasn't someone people usually argued with. She was a small woman, but exuded a natural authority. She beamed at me with an almost maternal pride, making it nearly impossible to refuse her.  


I wasn’t satisfied. “Leia. Look at me. I don’t look corporate. I’m going to stick out like a sore thumb. This is never going to work.” We both surveyed my appearance, which on that day, was pretty much like every other - wrinkled cargo pants, a t-shirt that had seen a lot of wear, worn sneakers. My hair was pulled back in buns to keep it out of my way. It hadn’t been cut or styled in any other way since...it didn’t bear thinking about. I looked at her helplessly.  


She handed me a credit card. “Go shopping, kiddo. Get some new clothes, a manicure…” I looked at my nails. Even short, they were ragged. There was dirt under them. “Take Lando with you, he knows about these things. Trust me, Rey. You’ll be fine. The porgs are counting on you. And I have every confidence in your abilities.” Though there was plenty of warmth in her voice, there was a hardness there too, like rocks rubbing against each other, and I knew I was being dismissed.  
“Yes, ma’am.” I said, pocketing the card as I left her office to find Lando.

I had been Leia’s personal assistant for a little over a year at that point - long enough to develop a deep respect and admiration for the woman and what she and her little upstart nonprofit had been trying to do for the past twenty years. She came from some sort of aristocratic background, supposedly; but she lived relatively simply and funneled most of her income into the work, which seemed to be the only thing she cared about. That’s why she wasn’t bothered by my lack of sartorial professionalism: the people who worked for I.S.D.A. - the Indigenous Species Defense Alliance - were a motley bunch of hippies, activists, scientists, and other disruptors who weren’t afraid to get their hands dirty if it meant protecting fragile ecosystems from abuse by greedy corporations and our government, the current administration of which was all too happy to ignore its environmental protection laws and look the other way if a payout was involved. It was pretty normal for our employees, (many of whom were volunteers) to look the worse for wear, having just cleaned up a riverbed, or completed a hunger strike, or been arrested at a protest for something or other.

That was how our paths had crossed. After high school, I had been at loose ends. I’d bounced around from group home to group home and school to school until I’d aged out of the system, never really having made any close friends or strong connections. My grades were decent, but not good enough to give me any real future prospects. I had a room in a sort of halfway house with a bunch of other people, (most of whom were struggling with addictions or mental illness) but I spent most of my time wandering the city, trash picking the curbs for scrap. I had some skills as a mechanic, but it was hard to find work: the boys’ club atmosphere of most shops made it almost impossible to be taken seriously. Then I met Finn. I’d seen him before - he circulated a lot of polls and petitions for various issues and was kind of a fixture downtown. I’d even stopped to talk to him once or twice; he’d told me that his first job out of college for a big corporation had made him into an environmental activist because he’d seen firsthand the callousness with which those people regarded the cost of their business practices. Anyway, this one day, I’d seen him getting into it with the cops and hadn’t been able to mind my own business. 

There was a gigantic sycamore tree in the middle of town which I’d always loved, and here was Finn, chained to it. There was a bulldozer waiting nearby, workmen with chainsaws, and four or five cops. They’d taken away his megaphone and were cutting through the chain. It was clear he’d been trying to save the tree (it was being removed, I later found out, so that more parking could be added for a local bar). It was also clear that he was in trouble and was about to be arrested any second. So I did what anyone would. I scrambled up the tree before anyone could stop me and found a spot up in the canopy where I could get comfortable. Long story short, Finn got taken downtown, and I spent three days in the tree. The first officer who tried to get me out fell and broke a leg, so they weren’t very happy with me when all was said and done, and the tree did eventually get taken down, but the story had made the local papers and Leia had gotten wind of it. She had sent her brother Luke to bail us out and offer us jobs. Finn worked the phones, calling potential donors, while I became Leia’s personal assistant and right hand. We’d become close, I felt: she was a little like what I’d hoped a mother might be like. 

I did trust her. But I still wasn’t sure I was ready for this assignment - was she right? Would I be able to fool the employees of First Order technologies into believing I was a public relations executive for long enough to complete my mission? Leia had said that I knew about people. I supposed there was something to that; I prided myself on my ability to judge character. It a necessary survival skill for someone with my background. Still, it felt like an overstatement on her part: how good could my people skills be, _really?_ I had spent most of my life alone.

I found Lando in his office. He was a charming and stylish older gentleman who had worked with Luke and Leia longer than anyone, but what his exact role was I couldn’t have told you. Event planner? Celebrity wrangler? Any time there was a function, he was there in the eye of the storm of preparations, deciding menus, juggling egos, and keeping everything from falling apart. He knew **everyone** , and he knew how to make things look good. Which I supposed was why I needed him. 

Hours upon hours later, I finally got back to the apartment . Lando had ushered me through a whirlwind tour of shopping and styling, all the while dispensing advice on maintaining my cutthroat corporate stooge persona. I had been plucked and prodded and polished, and frankly, I was exhausted. I dropped the bags containing my new identity and slumped against the door.  


“Woah! What happened to you?” crowed Finn’s boyfriend Poe from the couch. We got along well enough most of the time, but he never missed an opportunity to tease me and for a moment, I wished that for he would go home for once. I must have shot him a dirty look because Finn extricated himself from Poe’s arms and came over to me, giving me a hug and a kiss on the forehead.  


“Hey, you okay? You look great. Love the haircut. That’s all he meant - _isn’t it_?” said Finn, a warning note in his voice. I melted into the hug. When we had first become friends, I had thought Finn was interested in me romantically because he was so physically affectionate; having been touch-starved all my life, I didn’t know any other way to interpret it. He was a hugger, a kisser, a hand-holder. It had taken me some getting used to, and clearing up the misunderstanding had been a little awkward, but now we were past that, I found it extremely comforting.  


“Sure, yeah of course.” Poe corrected. “Want a beer?” We joined him on the couch and I cracked a can before answering Finn’s questioning look with an explanation of the day’s events and my new assignment.  


“So as you know, the government has recently rolled back a lot of the previous administration’s environmental protection laws - I guess Leia discovered that ever since that happened, First Order Technologies has been quietly been buying up small parcels of land in one specific area along the coast, and going out of their way to keep it quiet.” Finn frowned, and I continued. “Now, it so happens that the land they’ve been buying was, until a couple of months ago, protected - it’s one of the last remaining breeding grounds of an endangered bird called the western waxbilled porg. Leia wants to know what First Order is planning to do so she can maybe stop it before it’s too late, and she’s decided the best way to find out is to have me do some corporate espionage. At this, Poe snorted:  


“ _You_ ?” I bristled, even though (or maybe because) I shared his misgivings.  


“Why not?”  


“Well, no offense, sweetheart, but subtlety isn’t exactly your strong suit.” I wanted to argue, but what could I say? He was right. I couldn’t shake the feeling that giving me this assignment was like trying to perform surgery with safety scissors instead of, say, a scalpel.  


“Be nice, babe.” Finn admonished.  


“Who, me? Never. I’m a very bad man.” Poe purred, and then they were making out.  


“Well, that’s my cue. Good night, guys. By the way, Finn; while I’m out of the office, you’re covering for me.” I chugged down the rest of my beer and got up to leave. Finn hurriedly broke away from the kiss.  


“ _Hell_ yeah! I’m gonna be such a good PA, you may be working the phones when you come back.” He grinned at me, and I knew he didn’t mean any harm by it. I was halfway out of the room when he spoke again. “Watch your back at the new gig, Rey. A chick I used to work for back in the day is the administration director there now. You don’t want to cross her; Phasma’s a nasty piece of work - and from what I hear, so is the CEO. He’s got a reputation for being cutthroat - a real monster. Kylo Ren makes Zuckerberg seem charming, from what I’ve been told.”  


_Great_ , I thought, _Something else to look forward to._ I didn’t sleep well that night, my dreams haunted by the mysterious specter who was soon - and for the immediately foreseeable future - to be my boss.


	2. What Girl?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey familiarizes herself with her new workplace, makes at least one new friend, and comes face to face with the dreaded Kylo Ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://imgur.com/HtouXGs)  
> 
> 
> the office looks basically like this, but with the FO's limited color palette.

I woke up early the next morning to an email from Leia. In it were an address, the name of her contact in HR, and a reminder not to contact her from my office computer. It ended:

 _Go get ‘em, kiddo._

I felt more optimistic somehow, reading that last line. If someone like Leia could believe in me, who was I to say different? Maybe I really could pull this off. In any case, it would be nice to collect an extra paycheck for a few weeks. Even if I got caught, it would be worth having tried if it meant the possibility of saving the porgs from whatever manufacturing facility, parking lot, or office complex First Order was planning for their habitat. I tried to put Finn’s warning about Phasma and Kylo Ren out of my head. I almost succeeded. Once I’d done my hair and makeup (following the instructions of the beautician Lando had taken me to, and spending what felt like an extravagant amount of time on the process), I chose a dress from those he had selected for me. It was fitted, black, and angular - impossibly chic and totally unlike anything I’d ever owned. I panicked a bit at the realization that all the shoes we had purchased were high heels - I wasn’t exactly used to walking in them - but determined to make the best of it. Checking out the final result, I was satisfied. Not only was I completely unrecognizable even to myself, but I looked like some sort of badass white-collar glamazon. I had to give the guy credit: Lando knew what he was about.

“I need the Falcon today, okay?” I tried to deflect any commentary on my appearance with the question.  


“Nuh-uh” said Finn and Poe vigorously and in unison as I grabbed a breakfast bar and the keys from their hook in the kitchen. We had gone in on the beat up old muscle car together in an attempt to be greener and save money, and we shared custody of it. Slowly, over the last couple of months, the three of us had been fixing it up. I wasn’t sure whose turn it _actually_ was with the car, but I knew it wasn’t mine. Not that that I wasn't going to try anyway.  


“Come on, it’s my first day and this place is all the way across town.” I wheedled, focusing on Finn. I knew that as long as he acquiesced, Poe would go along. He eyed me without saying anything and i tried to sweeten the deal: “You guys can have it every night and all weekend, just let me take it to work. Besides, you know if you ride your bike in the boss lady will be im- _pre_ -essed.” I smiled my cheesiest smile, dragging the last word out into three lilting syllables.  


“You’re lucky we love you.” said Finn, caving.  


“Speak for yourself” Poe groused. Finn swatted him. “ _Kidding_. Geez.”  


“Love you too!” I sang, running out the door before they could change their minds.

The building was enormous - an imposing wedge of glass, black patinated steel, and exposed concrete. It looked cold and unfriendly. I swallowed back the anxiety and parked the car. Inside, the building’s starkness continued unrelieved - if anything, it was accentuated by the bright red of the chairs in the waiting room. There wasn’t a piece of art or a potted plant anywhere to be seen. A severe-looking young woman at the front desk took my name and told me to take the elevator to room 412: “She’s expecting you.”

Leia’s “guy in HR” turned out to be a bubbly, petite girl about my age with a round face and heavy black bangs. Rose, at least, seemed welcoming, and I relaxed almost immediately in her presence.  


“You must be Rey”, she said, bouncing to her feet the moment I entered her office. I’ve heard such great things about you!”  


“Really? Oh..thanks”  


“So, I don’t know if you’ve been briefed at all as to what your responsibilities here are going to be..” She hesitated for a moment, then powered ahead as she clocked my blank expression. “We’ve had some bad press lately and the last guy left on terms that were...well... _not great._ ” I must have looked puzzled, because she clarified in a stage whisper: “the boss might have _kinda_ thrownhimthroughaplateglasswall”. The last half of the sentence came out all in a rush and she grimaced. “I mean, he wasn’t seriously hurt and they settled out of court, but you can see how that didn’t help the company image.”  


I nodded, thunderstruck. _A monster, indeed._ What on earth was I getting myself into?  


“Anyway, we need you to devise a new PR strategy for the company.”  


_Oh, is that all?_  


“You should do great;” she said comfortingly. “According to your resume you studied at USC - that’s an excellent program.” Rose winked at me, and I found myself wondering how in the loop she was - did she know that the resume she’d been sent was bogus? What other tricks had Leia pulled to get me installed here? I hoped this charade wouldn’t end up getting the girl in trouble - despite the fact that she worked for an evil corporation, Rose seemed genuinely nice.  


“Sure. New strategy. Very good.” I managed to choke out finally. “So will I be reporting to…” the thought hung in the air, unspoken. It didn’t matter, she knew who I meant.  


“Yes, I’m afraid so. You’ll be working directly under our CEO, Mr. Ren. Oh, don’t look so worried!” She said hurriedly, patting my arm: “I’m sure you’ll be just fine. You know, just… maybe don’t challenge him. He doesn’t respond very well to being opposed.”  


_No shit_ , I thought, wondering what my predecessor had done to warrant getting tossed. Something of my thoughts must have registered on my face, because Rose said "Come on, let me give you the tour!” With that, she hustled me out of her office and up to the ninth floor. 

It was the poshest office space I had ever seen. First Order’s top floor was actually three stories tall, with galleries running around the space surrounding an open, high-ceilinged center. The top two tiers were clearly offices: moderately sized and open to the room on the second level and larger, more private ones above. One entire corner of the top tier was dominated by what I could only assume was Ren’s - it jutted out past the galleries, overhanging the central space and affording what might have been a comprehensive view of the room. It was walled in panels of dark glass that obscured its contents entirely. Were they transparent from the other side? I looked around at the other employees. Those I could see were bustling around with a quiet efficiency that was consistent with the possibility that they couldn’t tell at any given moment whether or not they were being monitored by a psychotic boss. The lower level was communal space - central seating, restrooms, an enormous canteen, and a conference room, the glass inner wall of which was being replaced by a team of three workmen. Rose’s observant eyes followed mine in that direction. She steered me towards the stairs, in the opposite direction.  


“Your office is over here, Rey. Follow me!” she chirped.  


Maybe _she_ should be in PR. She certainly has a knack for positivity. I thought ruefully.

The office Rose led me to was on the second tier, above the conference room and across from the corner suite, the stairs, and the canteen. Like the rest of the building, it was stark and somehow antiseptic looking, but it had a nice view of the water. It wasn’t huge, but since it was the only office I’d ever had, I didn’t have any complaints. _Besides_ , I reminded myself; _It’s only temporary_. I deposited my (basically empty) briefcase on the desk and then followed Rose back downstairs to the canteen, which she seemed especially proud of. Once I got a good look at it, I could see why. There was a fancy - and i mean fancy - cappuccino/espresso machine and a fridge fully stocked with every kind of bottled drink I could imagine wanting, plus a selection of premade sandwiches. Furthermore, there was a freaking _soup/salad/dessert bar_.  


“Is this all…?” I gasped, awed.  


“Free? Of course. Help yourself.” Rose beamed at me, and then chuckled as I started grabbing bagged snacks off the pile on a nearby table. “Maybe wait a little while though,” she qualified, her tone kindly. “We have lunch around noon and there’s a few people I’d like you to meet first.” She nodded her head in the direction of a man and woman who were murmuring to one another in low tones by the coffeemaker and whose conversation stopped abruptly at our approach.

The man was sharply dressed in a well-tailored suit. He was whippet-thin and red haired with a sour, sallow cast to his features. The woman was maybe the tallest I’d ever seen outside of a WNBA court - not that I watched a lot of basketball. She wore her blond hair cropped short, no makeup, and a no-nonsense pantsuit that made me think of Hillary Clinton. Her eyes were an icy blue and she gave off a take-no-prisoners vibe that seemed to intimidate even the outgoing Rose. I fixed what I hoped was a neutral smile on my face as she rallied and launched into introductions.  


“Hi guys, how’s it going? This is our new PR strategist, Rey Foster; I’m just showing her around the office. Rey, this is Armitage Hux, our Operations Director”, (the man put out his hand and shook mine perfunctorily) “and Phasma Hauer, our Finance and Admin Director”  


“Hi. Nice to…” I held my hand out to her in turn, but she made no move to take it. I trailed off lamely: “meet you.” She nodded once, the barest dip of the head. So this was the woman Finn had warned me about. So far, she seemed every bit as charming as he’d said.  


“Well, let’s go get you settled in the conference room!” said Rose, trying to cover the awkwardness of the moment. “I want to track down the boss so I can introduce you to him, and then there will be a short meeting with senior staff to help get you up to speed before lunch. Sound good?” I nodded, eager to get out from under Phasma’s frigid stare.  


“Good luck.” said Hux, in an ambiguous tone that may or may not have been sardonic. Then Phasma finally spoke:  


“I don’t suppose you could do any worse than your predecessor.” _Not exactly a vote of confidence, but I’ll take it_ ; I decided. _If wonder what she'd say if she knew why I was really here_. I followed Rose out, snagging a bag of cheesy popcorn on the way. The breakfast bar I’d eaten on the way in had long ago worn off, and there was a gnawing in my stomach that I was pretty sure was the result of more than just nerves. If I was going to have to sit through a meeting before lunch, I needed _something_. As we crossed the space, I chanced a glance back over my shoulder at Phasma and Hux, who had resumed their whispered conversation. I caught them looking at me and hurriedly turned away again, hoping against hope that I’d find someone on this floor who would be a little more welcoming.

Rose installed me in the conference room and disappeared. I took a seat at the table in an insanely comfortable black leather chair and waited. The workmen were gone, but the glass partition was still papered over with a protective label that obscured my view of everything outside the room. I sat there, wondering how soon she’d be back and how I could possibly make a good first impression on my new employer - or at least, avoid getting assaulted. I took the task Leia had assigned me seriously, but there were things I wasn’t willing to suffer- not for her, or the porgs, or anyone. Growing up in some of the places I had done had taught me that. The last thing I needed in my life was another ethically dubious authority figure lording it over me with the threat of violence. 

I considered what I’d learned so far: the office climate was an odd mix of authoritarian efficiency and luxury. It seemed like a culture designed to keep employees in line; spoiling them with amenities and a swollen benefits package (which I’d noted when I’d glanced through the new hire packet Rose had left me with) while ensuring their behavior met standards which I assumed were pretty rigid. The atmosphere around the place was definitely not what I’d have called relaxed. Pondering hard, I munched my way through the popcorn, realizing only when I’d finished that I hadn’t thought to grab a napkin. Under normal circumstances, I’d have just wiped my hand on my clothes, but I wasn't about to just casually ruin a dress that cost almost as much as my monthly utility bill. I was halfway out of my seat, having decided to run to the bathroom to wash my hands when I heard Rose’s voice on the other side of the partition.  


“Sir, if I could just borrow you for a moment before the meeting,” _Shit. Shit shit shit._ I sat back down, hurriedly jamming my fingers into my mouth in a desperate attempt to suck the sticky white cheddar powder off of them as she continued. “I wanted to introduce you to the girl we -”  


A deep and resonant man’s voice cut her off mid sentence. It _vibrated_ with irritation.  


“ _What_ girl?”  


The speaker abruptly burst into the room and stopped short, catching me in the act of licking myself clean like a cat and causing Rose to nearly crash into him from behind as she hurried after. Over the conference table, the infamous Kylo Ren and I locked eyes.  


Oh. I thought, stupidly.  
_Oh no._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! I hope you're enjoying the story so far - the lovely response i've seen over the last 24 hours motivated me to get the next chapter out way more quickly than i'd planned, so keep the love coming! (i know, i'm shameless).


	3. Oh no.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey meets her new boss. He's the worst.

I don’t know what I had been expecting. Only that whatever it was, it wasn’t this.  
Kylo Ren was hot.  
Like, _HOT_ hot. I could feel my brain short-circuiting as we stared at one another in awkward silence for a moment that felt like it was never going to end.  
He was very tall; broad-shouldered and powerfully built in a way that his obviously expensive black suit only accentuated. I tried not to notice the way his shirt’s buttons strained a bit across his chest. The body would probably have been enough, but what was above it made matters even worse: an interestingly proportioned, angular face, somehow compelling rather than simply pretty - although it was that too - sprinkled with a constellation of freckles and beauty marks. An impossibly plush and expressive mouth sat beneath a strong Roman nose. And his eyes! Ren’s eyes were fringed with lashes as thick and black as his wavy, overlong hair; eyes that were dark and deep and drilling into me. I could feel a flush creeping up my neck. I pulled my finger out of my mouth and it made a wet popping sound that made me wish the floor would open up under my chair and swallow me whole or that I’d drop dead on the spot.

No such luck. 

I was on my feet with no memory of how I’d gotten there and Kylo Ren was frowning at me silently for what felt like an excruciatingly long time but was probably only a couple of seconds. My ears were ringing and under the intensity of his glare I felt naked - no worse, x-rayed...exposed. Before I knew it, I was furious.

“This is Rey! Rose said blithely, sailing into the room on Ren’s heels. Her short legs must have been working hard to keep up with his long ones. She seemed a little out of breath. “She’s the new PR hire, remember? Ren looked me over once more, narrowing his eyes, and then _grunted_ , before turning to take a seat at the head of the table. Seriously? Who had raised this guy? What an _asshole_. 

“It’s nice to meet you too, lovely to be working here.” I fired off sarcastically before I could stop myself. I plopped back down in my seat. Rose’s eyes got big and she tensed up before making a hurried exit, but Ren didn’t react. Not that I could see, anyway. I couldn’t stand to meet his eyes anymore. Luckily, people had started coming in now so I was spared any further interaction with the guy. I paid attention to the presentations as best I could, but I was distracted, hyper-aware of his presence a few chairs down. I did manage to pick up a few threads from the meeting: First Order was in the early stages of negotiation with a company in Japan and it was clearly a big deal. It was crucial that these potential partners got a good impression of us. Which meant Kylo Ren, since it was he that they would be dealing with. Which meant I had my work cut out for me. Based on my own experience of moments ago, first impressions weren’t his strong suit. 

_Not that you were so great in that department_ , I reminded myself, surreptitiously dusting a few cheesy crumbs off of my lap. No mention was made of new land acquisitions or plans for them, as one by one each department head gave their report on the current status of their various projects. There was a lot of it I didn’t follow. What was pretty clear were the office dynamics. Everyone deferred to Ren, of course. Even Hux, though his tone was contentious. At one point he briefly dared to argue with an opinion only to be silenced with a glare as through the words were caught in his throat, choking him. Phasma, on the other hand, was like Ren’s guard dog, or a mob enforcer in a movie, punctuating his every statement with nods of her blond head and fierce looks at anyone who seemed less than convinced by his pronouncements. It was strikingly different from the egalitarian chaos of meetings at ISDA, with everyone talking over each other and laughing, bandying ideas about and taking the piss. Then it was over, and I was making a beeline for the door. I was almost out when I heard a deep voice call my name. 

“Miss Foster.” I stopped in my tracks, turned around. Sure enough, it was Kylo Ren. “Meet me in my office in five minutes. We need to talk.” Great. I was already fired. I nodded angrily, not trusting myself to speak and hurried up the stairs to my office. Near the top of the flight, my heel caught in the perforated steel of the step and I lost my footing, as well as the shoe. I fell backward, and for an instant time slowed as I sailed through the air.

I landed hard enough to knock the wind out of me - but not nearly as hard as I should have. After a moment of gathering my bearings I realized why. I had been caught. Strong arms had arrested my fall and now...

Kylo Ren himself was bridal-carrying me up the stairs. _For fuck's sake_. Embarrassed and humiliated, I struggled feebly, unwilling to raise my voice and make any more of a scene. He bore my weight easily, ignoring my hissed protests as he looked straight ahead, stone-faced. 

“Put me down!” Wordlessly and without ceremony, he dropped me like a sandbag onto a couch in the corner office I had assumed was his, before crossing the room to take a seat at the desk. I had already been angry with him, now I was enraged. Just not enough _not_ to have noticed how good he smelled - which somehow made me angrier. “You can’t just put your hands on people like that! Didn’t you learn anything from the last time? It’s not professional!”

“I think you mean 'thank you'. Or would you rather be in a broken heap on the floor at the bottom of the stairs?”

“No I do not. And would not. I mean...I could have walked,” I huffed.

He looked at me, bemused - as though I was something strange whose workings were mysterious to him. “Not in those shoes, obviously.” Just then, Hux’s ginger head appeared in the doorway. He handed me the offending pump and the folder of notes I’d lost in my swan dive. As I was thanking him, Ren interrupted. “Hux, I expect those reports on my desk first thing in the morning. You’d better get to work.”

“Certainly, sir.” he said, with an unmistakable tone of bitterness festering underneath the polite words. Hux gave me a tight smile and walked out briskly. I wondered how aware Ren was of the fact that his operations director clearly despised him. 

“Not the point." I said, trying to get back on track, "Keep your hands to yourself is like the most basic….most people learn that in kindergarten! What is your problem? Were you raised by wolves?”

“Something like that.” He mused. Surprisingly, he remained calm in the face of my outburst. “You know, despite the fact that I’ve almost single-handedly steered this company back from the edge of bankruptcy after my predecessor’s mismanagement, investors have expressed concerns about my 'likeability'. The public's opinion of me personally shouldn’t reflect on our products, but here we are. So whatever my problem is, it’s _your_ problem now. Any questions?”

“Yeah. If I already find you this infuriating, how on Earth am I supposed to make anyone else like you?” Something flickered in his eyes and his mouth twitched slightly in the split second before he answered:

“I Guess Hux isn’t the only one who has work to do.”

“Guess not. Are we done here?” He waved me off, but called out as I left the room:

“Throw those shoes out. Tomorrow, wear something you’re not going to kill yourself in.” I didn’t dignify that with a response. Asshole. I had been doing _fine_ with the heels. _Great_ , even. It wasn’t my fault his stupid modernist architecture had holey stairs. Whose idea was that anyway? 

I stayed up into the wee hours that night, doing research and brainstorming. By morning, I had a plan. I was going to polish up that sexy turd so well that no one would ever suspect I was only with the company to steal information and subvert their plans. And I was going to do it while making it crystal clear to Kylo Ren just what I thought of him.

Everything but the “sexy” part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thanks for reading! I want to take a moment now to apologize for a couple of things:
> 
> 1) the wait for this update has been longer than anticipated. I was waffling on a couple of details of their first interactions and wanted to get the tone right. I have a plan for this story but some things are less defined than others and I reserve the right to get stuck occasionally. Also my schedule is horrendous right now so updates will continue to be sporadic. That said, they'll happen eventually. I promise not to abandon it before it's done. 
> 
> 2) i know it's a slow starter. hang in there and i will try to reward you for your patience. <3
> 
> next installment might be Ben's POV. haven't decided for sure yet. let me know in the comments what you're thinking! unless it's bad. i don't do negativity.


	4. You Can't Go Home Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shift in perspective, and we meet up with an old friend. 
> 
> (Chuy is played by Danny Trejo in this story, FYI).  
> [](https://imgur.com/eFoRjJa)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for alchohol consumption.

So much for not challenging Mr. Ren. My embarrassment and his rudeness had coalesced into some sort of toxic fog that had made me unable to restrain my tongue. But caustic as he was, Ren hadn’t acted at all like the rage monster he was reputed to be. Come to think of it, he’d never even raised his voice. That had been all me. How was I not fired? Or picking two-way glass out of my ass? The way I’d yelled at him… I’d seen the wide-eyed, fearful looks of my coworkers as I’d returned to my office. No one ever talked to him this way. They didn’t understand it either. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So you know how when you’re a kid, you anthropomorphize everything?” I frowned at her, not sure where I was going with this. “You know, you treat inanimate objects like they’re alive, talk to your toys, or...whatever?” She barreled ahead. “People never _really_ grow out of that. They naturally want to apply a face and personality to companies, too. And corporations are people now legally anyway, right? My point is, whatever people think of First Order is going to reflect on you and vice versa. There’s no avoiding it. Like it or not, as CEO you are the public face of the company. First Order, the human. _That’s_ why it looks so _bad_ when you _assault_ people like a _psychopath_.”

“He had it coming, believe me.”

“Whatever. So not the point. The point is, You. Can’t. Do. That.”

“What did you anthropomorphize?”

“What?” 

“You heard me. What did you anthropomorphize when you were a kid? She looked flustered, not sure how to answer. I thought she might yell at me again, then - 

“A shop vac.”

“A shop vac.” I repeated, not sure I'd heard right.

‘Yes, I said a shop vac. I spent a lot of time in the garage at this one place I stayed when I was a kid, and there was a shop vac. It was just...friendly looking. I pretended it was a robot. It was my friend. I named it BB-8.” She was quiet then, looking down at her own long, slender fingers. She had beautiful hands. Looking at her, that feeling came rushing back, washing over me like a wave. Like it had when I'd first laid eyes on her.

 _I know you_ , it said. I pushed it aside. 

“You?” she challenged, trying to shift focus. 

I thought for a moment before answering candidly: “I guess this old car my father used to drive when I was growing up. I never named it, but I thought of it like it was alive. Guess I got that from him, come to think of it - he always talked about it that way, called it “she” and “her”.

“Well. You see my point. One of the ways to improve the public’s perception of the company is to make First Order seem like it’s a great place to work. In some ways, that’s already the case.” She was sitting cross-legged with her feet up on my office couch, practically daring me to say something about her choice of shoes. Clearly I had piqued her with my comment about wearing something she could walk in - she’d shown up this morning in a sleek, low cut black pantsuit and battered converse trainers that looked as though they’d been through a war. I’d managed not to say anything so far, even though she kept not-so-subtly putting them into my line of sight. _And they say I lack self-control_. 

“First Order offers a competitive salary, good benefits, the work environment is very...there are amenities.” It seemed like there was something she wasn’t saying about that and I made a mental note to find out what. “But that’s at the corporate level - how are you taking care of the people in your factories and distribution centers? The people who are doing the heavy lifting? In the long term, I think you should look into what you can do to increase loyalty and satisfaction among your employees company-wide. Make them feel appreciated. In the short term, we can start by throwing a party.”

“A party.”

“Yeah,” She said, hazel eyes sparkling. “We do an Employee Appreciation Night function. Rent a big venue downtown, get it catered, have a DJ and an open bar. Do a humble, morale-boosting little speech midway through the evening and announce some sort of improvement that will benefit the workers. I’ll write a press release and we’ll try to get some local coverage.” She stopped and seemed to be holding her breath, looking at me hopefully. It wasn’t the worst idea.

“Do you have any idea how much that will cost?” It was a rhetorical question. I had only meant that it would be expensive - I no more expected her to rattle off a number than I did for her to kiss me, so it was something of a shock when she actually did the former. It was a smaller number than I would have thought. 

“I think it will be well worth it in terms of immediate effect on public perception of you and First Order, as well as paying benefits long term. People work harder when they feel like their efforts mean something and are noticed. Besides, taking the best care you can of those that depend on you is the right thing to do!” Her eyebrows were knitted together and her cheeks were pink. I had a vision then. It intruded on the moment, unasked for by my conscious mind. I saw her like that - brow furrowed, face red, but flushed with pleasure rather than anger and before I knew it I was getting hard and coming back to the moment abruptly, uncomfortable and desperate for the interaction to end.  


“Fine. A party. What do you need from me?” I said, turning my chair to face my computer and hoping she wouldn’t notice the awkward shifting as I tried to accomodate my unwelcome erection.

“I’ll take care of the arrangements. You just decide what you want to do, show up, and tell them about it.” It sounded too easy.

After work I went to see Chuy at the cantina. Aside from the faint sound of a ballad wafting from the kitchen, it was actually quiet in there for once. He saw me coming and poured a tumbler of mezcal before I even got to the bar.

“Hey kid, to what do I owe the pleasure?” 

“I can’t just come see my favorite uncle? How are you?” Chuy, who wasn’t actually my uncle, also wasn’t the kind of guy to blush at a compliment, but he did a little sideways ~aw, shucks~ move of his head. He rolled his sleeves up over his thick, hairy forearms and started washing glasses.

“You know me. Same old, same old.”

We were silent for a while, listening to the rush of the water, the clink of the glasses and the strains of song from the kitchen. Before long, the mezcal had kicked in, the ice was broken, and it was like old times. Which meant I was spilling my guts, telling him everything. 

…”Chuy what do you think about dating someone you work with?”

“What like, you work with her? Or she works for you?”

“Second one. No-go? 

“Ah, I don’t know, man. That’s a tricky situation. All this #metoo stuff. You don’t wanna get on the wrong end of women, mijo. You gotta respect her agency.”

“I know that! I would never...but I _am_ her boss, so I guess it's inherently…”

“What’s she like?”

“Brunette. Athletic. Really pretty. _Perfect teeth_ , beautiful hands. The sweetest smile. I mean, _really_. And really passionate. She’ll get mad, or worked up about something, and her eyes get all sparkly…”

“ _Dios mio_ , you got it bad.” Drying his hands, he looked at me for an uncomfortably long time - first appraisingly, then smugly. “You know, you’re your dad all over again, kid.”

“What? What are you talking about?” My reverie broken, I immediately went on the defensive.

“I mean you sound just like him talking about your mom. He always did like ‘em feisty. Guess the apple don’t fall far.”

“Yeah, well we all saw how that worked out.” Silence again, then - 

“I don’t know, they really seemed to have something. It wasn’t all bad, they got you out of the deal.” I snorted into my glass. “Come on, there were some good times, you and I both know it. You see your ma lately?”

“In person? No, not for a while. You?” I asked, knowing the answer. 

“Nah. She don’t come around here anymore. For the same reason you _do_ \- reminds her too much of him. She wants to forget, I think.”

That made two of us. There were a lot of things I wished I could forget, too. I was a big believer in letting go of the past, but of all the things I wanted to bury, my father wasn’t one of them. The idea that, for her, he was made the resentment come bubbling back up like bile in my throat. Chuy saw.

“Hey, you know, you probably oughta go see a therapist to talk about some of this shit, kid. Not that I don't want to - I mean, I’m no expert on this family stuff, and I don’t know all the details of whatever happened between you all, but wouldn’t it be nice if you could like, forgive each other for whatever happened between you?”

“Thanks for the drink, Chuy. What do I owe you?” I got up to leave. He looked disappointed in me. It was almost like he really was part of the family. 

“Nothing, man. Come on, don’t be like that.” I put a twenty down on the bar anyway. "You know, anybody else. I'd say don't mess around with somebody you work with, but maybe you oughta ask that girl out. You're only young once, and you never got out there enough. When was the last time you had a girl?"

I shrugged, noncommittal. "Boarding school and the Marines weren't exactly rife with dating opportunities."

"Even after that - you were like a monk in college. You should loosen up, have some fun sometime, before you get to be my age and forget how."

"You forgot how to have fun?"

"Well, not me - but some people."

"Thanks, Chuy. I'll take it under advisement." I waited until I got to the door to ask. “Got a corporate gig for you in a couple of weeks. Employee appreciation party, downtown. Need someone to run the bar. You in?”

“Hell yeah. I got you.”

“I’ll be in touch. ‘Night."

“Good seeing you, kid.” Outside it was gray and raining, but the mezcal warmed me while I waited for a car to take me back to my empty apartment.


	5. This Sucks

His cock was _enormous_. 

Especially from this angle, on my knees in my worst, most threadbare bra and panties in front of where he lounged commandingly (and fully dressed) in the plush leather desk chair. I stared at it, momentarily lost for words. It was bobbing there in front of me, swollen and red, the smooth head already glossy with precum. It looked both violently angry and in some way very soft. I reached out to touch it and then hesitated.

“You like that?” I looked up and we locked eyes. I nodded, unable to keep from licking my lips.

“I know you do. I know what you want. Do it.”

I was never one to back down from a challenge. Never breaking eye contact, I rasped my tongue across the satiny tip, sampling the salty taste of him. He groaned and threw his head back. Encouraged, I went to work, stretching my mouth to accommodate him as I sucked the head and spitting in my palm so that I could use my hand on the rest. 

“You look so pretty with my cock in your mouth. But you can do better, Rey. You’re not trying hard enough.” He said in that resonant voice and then an absurdly large hand was working in the hair at my scalp and guiding - no, _driving_ my head as he fucked my throat mercilessly. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing through my nose, using the meditation techniques I’d learned from Luke back at ISDA. He’d done a series of guided meditation workshops for the staff and I had definitely gotten something out of them, because after the initial surprise, I was able to relax and open my throat. I only gagged a little when, without warning, he spilled into me. Swallowing, I opened my eyes to see him, gorgeous as he fell apart on my tongue. He was looking at me again, with the same intensity as before. 

He’d released my hair and I came up for air, squirming. I shoved a hand between my legs and discovered that my underpants were soaked. I looked over at the windows, through which business as usual could be seen continuing in the rest of the office. Someone could come in at any moment. I didn’t care. Keening with need, I got up and laid over the edge of the desk, pulling my ugly, saturated panties to one side and exposing my pussy. Asking - no, _begging_ him to fuck me into oblivion.

I woke up soaked in sweat, with my hand down the front of my pajamas. In a horny, half-awake haze, I finished myself off. By the time I was fully awake, I was pissed off and disturbed by the dream and wishing I couldn’t recall it _quite_ so vividly. I took a cold shower and changed, and when Finn found me, it was in the kitchen, where I was eating ice cream straight from the carton.

“Whatcha doing?”

“Weird dream.”  


“Weird how? Was I in it? ….weird how?” he asked eagerly. I shook my head, downed a spoonful.

“My boss.” 

“Ren?” Finn looked at me hard for a moment before his eyes began to widen with understanding. “Oh-OHhhhhhh! Rey, was it...explicit?” I shoved the carton aside and buried my face in my arms.

“It was the most explicit dream I’ve ever had. It was the most explicit dream anyone’s ever had.” He didn’t respond and I could feel his eyes on the back of my head as he waited impatiently for more details. I popped back up, making a quick but unmistakable gesture with my hand and mouth, poking my tongue into the meat of one cheek. Finn dissolved laughing and I seized the ice cream back out of his hands, wailing.

“What am I going to _do_? I can’t go back into that office and look that man in the face! I can’t even look myself in the face!” It wasn’t just what I’d been doing in the dream, or who it was about that bothered me (though that was part of it). It was my own subservience, the way he’d dominated and used me. The way I’d _wanted_ him to use me. I remembered vividly how hungry I’d been for it, how desperate to please and be pleased. I started stuffing my face. “I’m not going in tomorrow. I’m just gonna stay here and-”

“Suck on my Ben and Jerry’s instead?” Finn interrupted pointedly, taking it back from me a second time. “Uh-uh. You'd better just ride it out. Get it over with, you’ll be awkward for a minute and then life will go on. You know I’m right.” I nodded. There was nothing for me to say that wouldn’t sound pathetic against his logic. “You didn’t tell me he was cute.”

“I didn’t want to think about it.”

“Well okay, then. You know, maybe if you play this right, you could make your dreams come true.” he said, teasingly. I hit him. “Seriously though, it’s been a while, right? Like, a _while_. How long’s it been?” 

“A while.” I conceded. 

“So maybe in the course of this recon mission you use your sexuality a little. Maybe seduce some secrets out of him. Get the goods while you’re getting the goods. I mean if James Bond can do it…”

“I am _not_ James Bond, but thanks for the vote of confidence. I couldn’t. That’s not me.” In spite of my denial, it did sound appealing for a moment; to be a femme fatale and have the upper hand. It sounded like an antidote to the debasement and shame my own subconscious wanted to subject me to. My wandering thoughts must have played on my face.  


“He must be pretty cute.”

“ _Cute_ does not even _begin_ to approach describing what he is.”

“Really. Well this I’ve got to see.” I scoffed, and he went on. “Come on, show me a pic.”

“Don’t have one.”

“What are you talking about? This is the 21st century.”

“I mean I had to do research. I googled my ass off; there’s nothing. A couple of mentions in business publications. No facebook, nothing.” Then it hit me like a bolt of lightning. “I’m a genius!”

“Oh yeah, what do you got?”

“We’re throwing an employee appreciation party. You can be my plus one! It’s perfect - you can get an eyeful and I’ll have someone to talk to so things don’t get too awkward. You have to come - say yes!”

“I can’t say no to a party.” I grinned at him, feeling better because he had my back. Everything was going to be fine. So what if I’d had a mortifyingly horny dream about my boss? It was only a dream, and I had been making too big a deal of it. Work was fine. I could act relatively normal at work, as long as I focused on what I had to do. The party, on the other hand, with what I assumed would be atmosphere, alcohol, and lowered inhibitions, worried me. I’d be happy to have Finn as a wingman. He’d help me stay out of trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hot + bothered = this pairing. poor kids. thanks for reading! There's a short oneshot that goes inbetween this chapter and the next [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25907752) if you want to read it in sequence. I cut it out for reasons, and it won't develop the plot any, but it's a little extra smut and characterization if you want it.


	6. A Failure To Communicate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey checks in with her boss. No, the other one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Probably no one cares, but I'm just now figuring out AO3's features and how to do the html thing. I just went back and edited/revised all the previous chapters to add in some missing style, but nothing significant got changed, so *shrug* Anyway, here's a little Rey & Leia that no one asked for.

I was in trouble. She was annoyed. I could tell. Even over the phone, I could hear it in her voice. People that annoyed her usually regretted it before long. I knew that much from observation. 

“Rey, I haven’t heard a peep from you in _weeks_. If it wasn’t for Finn letting me know you were okay, I’d be frantic by now. What’s going on?”

I didn’t know what to tell her. “Look, I’ve been _really_ busy. There’s more to this whole PR thing than people think; there’s a lot to consider! Making an aggressive monster driven only by profit that’s willing to consume everything in its path look friendly and non-threatening isn’t easy!” It was unclear even to me whether I was talking about Kylo Ren or corporations in general.

“You know you don’t _actually_ have to do the job well, right? It’s only temporary cover, don’t forget.”

“Leia, I _know_. But that’s the thing - I haven’t found anything yet. I’ve been trying, but no one’s said anything, I’m still figuring out how the whole enterprise works and what everyone’s role is, and I don’t have the faintest idea at this point how I’m going to get my hands on the information you want.” I had actually made a lot of progress in the last few weeks, I thought. I’d gotten to know the staff somewhat, and that was important - the office gossip mill was bound to provide a lead sooner or later. And I’d been taking stock of security measures - like which rooms required a passcode to enter (and who had those codes) and where the building’s security cameras were. I wasn’t ready to make a move yet, but I hadn’t been idle. I told her so.

“It’s just going to take longer than we thought, that’s all. And if I don’t do a good job on the other stuff, I won’t last there long enough to get it done.”

“As long as you aren’t going switching teams here. I’d hate to lose you, Rey. Not that Finn isn’t doing a great job...he’s a hoot. But I need you. You’re a problem solver.”

“Fat chance. Finn better not get too comfortable. Trust me, I am counting the days until I never have to see Kylo Ren again.

“Tough?”

The less said on the subject the better. “I don’t think his reputation is an accident, let’s put it that way.”

“He had better not be mistreating you.” I warmed at the mama-bear note of warning in her voice. It wasn’t something I had a lot of experience with, and because of that, her protectiveness of me meant more than it probably would have otherwise. No wonder I’d do almost anything she asked. That kind of maternal affection, doled out in small doses to someone who’d hungered for it all their lives, was like a drug. It was weak of me, but in a very real sense, I was an addict and Leia was my dealer.

“He’s an asshole, but I can handle him.” I sounded more confident than I felt. Since the night of my dream, I’d gone out of my way to avoid Ren - with mixed results. Busying myself with event preparations and in-office networking/recon, I’d been able to find plenty of excuses not to spend much facetime with the boss. Which wasn’t exactly the same thing as handling the situation. Leia didn’t need to know all that. It was under control.

“That’s my girl.” She chuckled.

“Anyway, I’m sorry for not checking in. I just didn’t have anything to report, so I didn’t know what to tell you. Be patient with me okay? I’m working on it.”

“Patience never was my strong suit. You’d think in my old age I’d have gotten the hang of it, but here we are.” 

“What are you talking about? You’re not a day over forty.”

“Suck-up.” She started to say something else, then hesitated. “Don’t forget about me, kiddo. Okay? Keep me in the loop. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to badger you. I know you’re doing what you need to do. You’ve never let me down yet.”

“Thanks. I will. Keep you in the loop. And I won’t let you down. I have to go though, okay? This thing is in just a few hours and I have a lot of getting ready to do.”

She sighed lightly. “Okay. Have fun. Say hi to the asshole for me.”

I snorted. “Yeah, right. I’ll call you in a couple of days. Bye, Leia.”

“Goodnight, dear.” We hung up, and I opened my closet door to stare, bewildered, at the mess within. 

“ _Finn_!” I shouted, knowing he could hear me easily through the thin walls. “What are you wearing? I need help picking an outfit!” I was growing excited for the party, in spite of myself. So what if none of it actually mattered? I’d put a lot of work into this event, planning every detail. Well, **almost** every detail - Ren had bizarrely insisted on hiring the bar staff himself. Regardless, this felt like _my_ party in a very real way, and tonight I’d be damned if I wasn’t going to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: party time. Hope you are enjoying the story. If you are, toss a coin to your witcher, feed my praise kink, etc. and throw me a comment. Love you!


	7. Fun is a Four-Letter Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two idiots, one braincell. Add alcohol and stir.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had originally intended the chapter to cover the whole party, but that's not going to happen. So here's part one. I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> CW: alcohol consumption.

We’d arrived a little late, and the party was already going full swing. Supremacy was a pretty swanky club, from what I could tell (not that I did all that much clubbing). Renting it for the evening hadn’t been cheap, but as far as I was concerned, it had already paid for itself, because people had obviously noticed the gesture. The place was packed and the crowd looked lively. I’d known First Order employed a lot of people, but at work, with everyone in their separate cubicles, it never felt that way. Now they were all mingling and cheerful, loading their plates from what looked like a kickass buffet and (if the number of glasses of champagne I could see in hand was any indication), already on their way to tipsy. I was elated. It looked like so far, things were going off without a hitch.

My elation was short-lived. Kylo Ren was barrelling towards us in what I’d termed his “angry walk”, covering a lot of ground fast. I fought the urge to turn and run, steeling myself for whatever was coming. What was his problem _now?_

“You’re late. Where were you? You were supposed to be here forty minutes ago!” He barked.

“Calm down; you’re making a scene. Kinda defeats the purpose of the whole endeavor, don’t you think? Since we’re doing this to recast you as _NOT_ a dick boss? It is a party, after all. It’s supposed to be _fun_. You could relax a little, you know.”

He frowned at me, but quieted down. “You weren’t here and people kept asking me questions and _I_ don’t know what you wanted. This whole thing was your idea.”

Was he...actually _pouting? Good grief_. “And it was a good one. We had some car trouble, it’s no big deal. Everything looks great.” It did, too. I tried not to stare at him as I introduced Finn, who held out his hand and said “Hey man!” in his friendliest tone. Ren stared at him for a beat as though Finn was from another planet. To be fair, Finn’s thrifted velvet suit was a rich plum color that brought out the warm tones in his brown skin and he looked striking and unusual - especially compared to the more sober black and navy attire of most of the other men in the room - but that didn’t explain the intensity with which Kylo Ren was eyeing him. Abruptly, he shook Finn’s hand with a mumbled greeting and turned to me, dismissing him. Finn and I exchanged a glance that didn’t require words.

“I’m gonna go get us some drinks. Want anything specific?” he asked me.

“Nah, you know what I like.” He nodded and grinned, making his way to the bar.

“You brought a date.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yeah, so? It looks like _most_ people did.” I said, glancing around the room again. 

“Of course they did. Why wouldn’t they? Someone else is footing the bill for the food and drinks.”  


“Did you ‘bring the company back from the verge of bankruptcy’ by being cheap?” I sniped, mocking him. “Look, don’t be mad at everyone else for trying to have fun tonight just because you couldn’t find anyone who would voluntarily spend time with you outside of work.”

“You _do_ realize I’m your boss, right? The way you seem to think you can talk to me-”

“Is still only HALF as rude as _you_ are to _every person you meet _. And I **only** talk to you like this. And it’s only because you’re so provoking! What the hell was that with Finn, anyway? This had better not be a race thing, I swear to god. Because if you say ONE fucked up thing to him, I _will_ kick your ass and I don’t give a _fuck_ that you’re my boss OR that you’re twice my size, I promise you.”__

____

“What? No. It’s not - I’m - “ He looked bewildered, at a loss for words. We stood there for a moment in an awkward, charged silence as the music thumped. Just then, Finn reappeared with two cocktails.

____

“Hey guys, how’s everybody dooooin?” He asked, looking at us both in turn.

____

Ren ran his hand through his black hair, grunted “I need a drink”, and turning on a pivot, stalked off in the direction of the bar. 

____

Finn handed me my drink, and with an ironic sparkle of merriment in his eyes, said “Well of _course_ you want to blow him, he seems _delightful_.” I punched him in the arm with my free hand and we made our way onto the dance floor.

____

____

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

____

____

When Chuy saw me approach the bar, he came right over. He took one look at my face and nodded knowingly, pouring out a double of the usual. It burned when I tossed it back, but I knew from experience that the second one wouldn’t. 

____

“Cute couple. I’m guessing that’s her?” I nodded, glowering. “Could be worse. At least now you know.” I looked up, and Chuy saw something in my eyes that made him drop the subject. Mercifully, he got some other customers then, and I turned in my seat, scanning the dance floor for Rey and her boyfriend. 

____

It wasn’t hard to spot them. The floor around them cleared slightly to allow them room as they danced, the other couples watching them in poorly disguised admiration. Of _course_ she was with someone. Why wouldn’t she be? She was gorgeous and smart and...I watched her un-selfconscious movements as the colored lights played over her. _God, she was sexy_. And of course she would be dating someone good looking. That Finn guy came across as everything I wasn’t. He was charming, handsome, confident… he _HAD_ to be, in a suit like that. It made perfect sense that Rey would be with someone like that. If ever I had let myself imagine, even for a moment, that she would give someone like me a second look, I had been kidding myself. What a fool. And he could dance, apparently. Of course. How was I supposed to compete with that? I signalled Chuy that I wanted another drink. He obliged, wisely choosing not to say anything this time. 

____

The second one didn’t burn. The only thing I felt was angry at myself. Why had I attacked her like that the second she’d walked in the door? Why was I fucking incapable of talking to another person without making them hate me? Five fucking minutes - we’d seen each other for five fucking minutes and I’d managed to make her think I was both _cheap_ (which was laughable considering what I’d already spent on tonight) and a racist (which was both worse and harder to disprove). _**Fuck**_. It was pathetic. Why did I care so much what she thought? What did I even know about this girl? I’d only met her a few weeks ago. 

____

“Chuy!” He was talking to another customer, but I didn’t care. _They all think I’m rude anyway, so what the hell_. Might as well give the people what they expect. _Cheap_. Do they expect cheap? I thought I’d always taken decent care of my employees, but apparently _some people_ thought I could do better… **”Chuy**!” I barked again, impatient and letting my bad mood take hold.

____

He came over this time. “Look kid, I know you’re paying me to be here and all but you better watch your tone,” he growled. “You’re lucky you’re practically family; last guy talked to me like that lost an arm about it.” 

____

“You’re welcome to try it, old man. Feel like going out the way my dad did?”

____

“That’s not funny, Ben.”

____

“Don’t call me that. You don’t see me laughing, do you? I’m sorry, just...fucking pour, okay?”

____

He gave me a hard look and poured. It was too much too fast. He knew it and I knew it - I hadn’t eaten enough by half for how fast I was throwing them back, but a spirit of cussed determination had seized hold of me and there was no redirecting my impulse to fuck shit up. _I’d show her_. 

____

Replacing the glass on the bar a bit harder than I’d meant to, I stood up. Rey had left the dance floor and was standing near a table in conversation with Rose from HR and another girl I’d seen before but couldn’t put a name to. Her date was nowhere in sight. Before I could second-guess myself, I had crossed to the platform where the DJ was set up. _Let her find something to say about this_.

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So who's got custody of the braincell tonight? Let me know what you think in the comments. Thanks for reading!


	8. A Proposition.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> party, part the second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://imgur.com/cR4K6N7)  
> 
> 
> now that i figured out how to do it, here's my inspo for Rey's outfit. I remembered it sparklier.
> 
> CW: alcohol consumption.

“I need a break!” I shouted over the music. “You wanna get another round?” 

“Not if you wanna make it home tonight. Those drinks are strong as hell! I’ll get you one, though. In a minute - gotta take a leak!” Finn left me in search of a bathroom and I crossed to a table where Rose and Jannah from Accounting were talking conspiratorially, their faces close together.

“How’s it going, ladies? Having fun?” I greeted them, startling Jannah, who hadn’t seen me coming. 

“Not as much fun as you are! Although this _is_ an excellent party,” Rose enthused. “You look amazing, Rey. That outfit is _spectacular_.”

“That shit is fucking hot.” Jannah agreed frankly. I could feel myself blushing at the compliment, though I was already flushed and overheating from the drinks and dancing. I looked down at the sparkly jumpsuit and silently thanked Finn for insisting that I wear it tonight. Left to my own devices, it wasn’t something I ever would have chosen. 

“You both look awesome, too.” They did. Rose looked adorable in a structured white minidress with puffed sleeves, and Jannah’s tight emerald green number showed off an enviable figure. 

“ _ **WELL**_?” Rose blurted, apparently unable to stand the suspense any longer. “Who’s the guy? Is that your boyfriend? He’s _super_ cute. We want _all_ the deets.”

“Oh! What? No, that’s Finn. He’s my friend. My best friend. And my roommate. We’re not...together. I mean, we’re here together. He has a boyfriend.” I finished lamely. Rose looked disappointed. 

“I told you. Didn’t I tell you?” Jannah assured her. “It’s like a sixth sense.” Rose laughed.

“Where are your dates?” I asked them. Jannah pointed to the bar, where a few seats down from where Kylo Ren was sitting, a gorgeous woman in a yellow dress was ordering a drink. Suddenly her previous comment made a lot more sense. Rose sighed.

“I’m a single pringle, unfortunately. I was hoping to meet somebody cute tonight, but I guess that was dumb of me,” she said wistfully. “Everyone here either works with us, or is dating someone who works with us, or is playing for the other team.”

“There’s always the waitstaff,” joked Jannah, tilting her head towards the bar. Rose and I both turned to see the man she was indicating. He was surly looking, middle-aged, and prodigiously hairy. Rose wrinkled her button nose.

“Is ‘works with us’ off the table then?” I asked. “Out of curiosity.”

“ _Totally_ against company policy. Not that it’s _never_ happened, but _very_ much frowned upon. By upper management.” she clarified. As though I’d ever need to ask who (in this, or any other scenario involving work) was doing the frowning. 

“Speak of the devil,” murmured Jannah. As she spoke, Kylo Ren appeared on the stage next to the DJ, and after a moments’ negotiation, took hold of the mic. The music stopped abruptly. 

“What is he _doing_? I was supposed to look over what he was going to say before he made any announcements!” I whispered to the girls, the mild panic I felt on his behalf showing in my voice in spite of myself.

I did a quick assessment. He looked fine; nothing out of the ordinary there. In fact, while everyone else seemed to have glammed up at least a little for the occasion, he was wearing the exact same uniform he wore every day - black suit, white shirt, black tie. _If it ain’t broke, i guess_...but something about the stubborn sameness of it irritated me. Didn’t he own any other clothes? He ran his hand through his hair again - nervously? His expression was unreadable. Just then, Finn appeared at my elbow with another drink - a signature cocktail the bar staff had termed “The Finalizer”. The name was fitting. As Finn had said, they were strong. Tasty, though. I had to give Ren credit. The people he’d hired knew what they were doing.

“What’s up?” Finn asked. I shushed him with a finger as Ren started to speak. All of a sudden, despite the loudness of only moments before, you could hear a pin drop.

“You’ve all been asked here tonight as a show of my gratitude and appreciation for all your hard work and dedication. First Order would not be here today without the efforts of its employees, who have made all of our recent successes possible.” _Interesting. So much for single-handedly steering the company back from the brink_. “But tomorrow, the party will be over; and it won’t have been enough to thank you for everything that you do. Which is why effective immediately, we will be instituting a company-wide salary raise of ten percent.” Gasps and silence for a moment from the crowd, who didn’t seem sure whether or not this was some sort of sick joke. Then Rose squealed and a cheer broke out among our coworkers. Meantime, I was choking, having aspirated a sip of my drink. By the time I was recovered, Ren was nowhere to be seen.

 _Ten percent_? I’d wanted him to do something; to make a gesture. I had never, in my wildest dreams, imagined it would be this. The average raise was somewhere around three percent, I knew. _Ten_ was...absurd. What had gotten into him? Not that I was complaining. I just didn’t know how to process this information.

“You okay?” asked Finn, patting my back. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m great. I just need to sit for a minute.”  
“Getting ‘Finalized’, huh?” he quipped. 

“That’s what I’m about to do,” said Jannah, waving at us as she went to join her date.

“Hi, I’m Rose. Wanna dance?” Finn grinned at her, and she turned to me. “Mind if I borrow him?”

“He’s a free agent. You guys have fun, I’m good.” She led him by the hand back onto the dance floor, while I scanned the room. The revelry had intensified since Ren’s announcement. The excitement in the room was palpable. I couldn’t help but feel a little bit responsible for their happiness, in spite of the fact that his gesture had far outstripped my expectations. After all, the initial idea had been mine. It was a nice feeling, like I’d done some good in the world. Lost in my reverie, it took me a moment to realize he was standing over me.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had been just about to say something when she realized I was there. “Jesus! Don’t sneak up on me like that!” 

I bristled. “I wasn’t sneaking. I don’t _sneak_. Where’s your...Finn?” I asked her, changing the subject. She nodded towards the dance floor, where I could see the guy dancing with Rose. “Can I sit?” Rey nodded again, a bit absently. I pulled out the other stool and sat. “Amilyn Holdo is here.”

“From the news? I sent her a press release. Didn’t think she’d actually come.”

“She wants to do a profile. Look, I’m sorry about earlier. We got off on the wrong foot.”

“I’m not sure you have a right one.”

“That’s fair.”

“You did good, by the way. You’re still a dick...but you did good.” She grinned at me, and my stomach knotted. She looked so goddamned beautiful. It was torture. Rey’s hair, usually pulled back, was loose and flowing tonight, the flyaways near her face sticking to her skin’s thin sheen of sweat. She lifted it away from her neck in an attempt to cool herself and I imagined putting my mouth to the suddenly exposed skin at the nape. Her sequined jumpsuit was daringly cut, the deep v-neck exposing a wide expanse of perfect, lightly freckled skin that seemed to be daring me not to stare at it. I wanted to put my mouth on that too. She was flushed and glowing, her eyes dark and full of mystery. I wished that I could tell what she was thinking. I wished she would smile like that at me again. 

“Thank you.” She raised an eyebrow at me quizzically. “This was a good idea. It was the right thing to do.”  
“Thank you for saying so.”

“Come to Tokyo with me.”

“What?”

“When I go to Tokyo to close that deal in a couple of weeks. I want you there. I...need you. You’re like, the only person that can successfully rein in the more...objectionable parts of my personality. Come with me.”

“To Tokyo.” She repeated. “Japan.” She seemed to be having a hard time processing this, and I wondered if she too was more than halfway hammered.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Good.”

Like someone making a decision, Rey finished her cocktail in one long swallow. She banged it down on the table and got to her feet.

“Dance with me.”

 _Of all the things she could have asked, it had to be this_. I was a terrible dancer. Always had been. It had been countless years since I’d even tried. I’d always been big for my age growing up, and self-conscious of the amount of space I took up, even sitting still. The military had polished away some of the awkwardness with which I carried myself, but not enough to make me look anything but absurd on a dance floor. And here? In front of a room full of people on whose respect and even fear my success as CEO depended? It was an impossibility. 

“No.” I shook my head vigorously, hoping she’d understand that me and dancing did not mix.

“Why?” Was I kidding myself, or did she look a little disappointed? Of course I was. She was probably just bored. Her date was off dancing with some other girl, after all. Maybe she wanted to make him jealous. I sure as hell was willing to help her with that, just not like _this_. Whatever the reason, there was no way she actually _wanted_ what she was asking for.

“I don’t like to.” _There, that should get the point across_. No dancing. Dancing bad.

She looked like I’d slapped her. “ _ **Wow**_. Well _fuck you too_ , you tactless son of a bitch. You know, every time I think for a _second_ that maybe there’s hope for you, you remind me of why you needed to _hire a professional_ to make it seem like you’re something other than _the absolute worst_.” She stormed off through the crowd, and bewildered, I retreated back to the bar to lick my wounds. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So in a moment of _idiocy_ , I asked the asshole to dance.” I shouted to Finn and Rose in the middle of the noisy dance floor, where they seemed to be hitting it off spectacularly. He groaned.

“I’m guessing he said no?” offered Rose. “When you say ‘the asshole’, are you talking about who I think you’re talking about?” 

“Probably. And obviously. Actually, he said - and I quote; “I don’t like you.”

‘Oof,” said my friends, in unison.

“And now I’m fucking _embarrassed_ and I hate him again, and now I have to go to Tokyo with him! Why didn’t I just keep my stupid mouth shut? And why is he such a BASTARD?” I didn’t even know why I was talking about this, it would only make me feel worse tomorrow. I snatched a glass of champagne from a passing waiter’s tray. They had started circulating through the party with them right after Ren’s announcement. I still didn’t know what to think about that. Maybe if I kept drinking champagne, I wouldn’t have to. By tomorrow, with any luck, I wouldn’t even remember this.


	9. Fear of Flying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Departure looms, and things are coming to a head. They don't know what they're in for.

It took a day and a half to recover from the hangover. 

It took longer to recover from what he’d said. I wouldn’t have admitted to anyone else how it stung for _anything_ \- but it did. It somehow cut right to the quick of the discarded, un-adoptable, unloved kid I’d been (and maybe always would be). Which was stupid, because _ **I**_ didn’t even like _**him.**_ At all. 

Not even after I found out from Jannah how the company raise was being paid for. He took a pay cut? Voluntarily? I didn’t know what to do with that information. So he wasn’t _all_ bad - duality of man, et cetera, blah blah blah. I still kind of hated him for having made me feel like shit. I decided to change tactics. 

I’d learned a lot about First Order since I’d started, but I didn’t feel any closer to the plans I was there to investigate. Like it or not, out of everyone in the company, the one person who was certain to have the information I wanted was Ren. So whether I liked it or not, going through him was the easiest and most direct route to the truth. Time, I suddenly felt, was running out. I had to get this done - and get out- soon. I was determined to go on that trip to Tokyo. I’d never traveled anywhere; never even been out of the state. I longed for the opportunity. I'd have spent a week with my worst enemy for the chance to see more of the world. I could suffer him that long. But as soon as the trip was over, I urgently wanted to be finished with Kylo Ren and this whole stupid mission. I wanted things to go back to normal. I abandoned my attempts to avoid him at work and instead started haunting his office, finding as many excuses as possible to pop in and ask a question or show him something. Neither of us mentioned the party. It felt taboo, somehow. We pretended like it had never happened and tentatively made a peace without ever negotiating its terms. My hope was that by swallowing my pride and the insults I’d flung at Ren, I’d overhear something of use while in his orbit. _Let him think what he wants,_ I decided. _Soon enough, I’ll never have to see him again._

The mood around the office had lightened considerably. Everyone felt it: Phasma seemed to have modified her default attitude from open hostility to one of cautious positivity. Hux appeared slightly less brittle. Even Ren visibly relaxed a bit and became... almost sociable. On nearly the last day before we were to leave for Tokyo, under the pretext of making sure he’d seen the published Holdo profile, I’d come to his office again, inserting myself between him and his computer.

“I’ll just pull it up real quick and show you, how do I…?” 

‘Oh, here; I just need to -” he tried to push past me to the keyboard, but I didn’t move. There was a split second of awkwardness as I tried to seem... clueless? Like I wasn’t a little overwhelmed by our physical proximity? Then, mercifully, someone had come in and was talking to him. I did a little side step away, and he turned, focus diverted by the intruder, to address them with fingers still on the keyboard. While he was looking elsewhere, I was looking at them - those huge hands; thick fingers punching out the key to his secrets with practised speed. 

His personal computer password. _Which I now **knew.**_ The sudden awareness of this forbidden knowledge made me weirdly alert again. I started, but neither of them had noticed anything amiss. The interloper left, and Ren was opening a browser. I fumbled to find the article, hyper-aware of how close he was standing. He read it over my shoulder, looming quietly in a way that might have seemed threatening but didn’t feel that way. In any case, I could have stepped away. For whatever reason, I didn’t. 

When I got back to my office, I pulled a post-it noted from my desk and folded it, closing it in on itself. In neat letters, I wrote what I had seen, so as not to forget it. **#Vader2.0**. I couldn’t believe it. That couldn’t have gone better if I’d planned it. _Had_ I planned it? I guess, in a way I had - but it also felt like kismet. 

_Maybe I am James Bond._

I tucked the note in my wallet. _Now I just need a way to get into his office without him there._ The new lead had given me hope. I was gonna do this. If not before Tokyo, then right after. 

It wasn’t before. Fifty-two hours flew by, filled with packing, scheming, and getting my ear bent. Leia wasn’t very happy about the idea of me and Kylo Ren on a weeklong trip alone together and didn’t mind saying so. In addition to her complaints about the fact that it was a private flight on a chartered plane (which, in fairness, _was_ a huge waste of fossil fuels and not sustainable _at all_ ), she also made her objections personal. “You don’t know him well enough. You’ve never been out of the country before, Rey, you don’t speak the language. This is a terrible idea. You’ll be completely dependent on him.” The protective mom thing was cute, usually; and I really did appreciate that she cared enough to deploy on my behalf, but now, for reasons I couldn't quite explain, it was also starting to chafe. I could take care of myself. 

“I’ll be _fine_ , Leia. I’ve been through plenty right here and I’ve managed well enough so far.” She’d backed off, then. She’d also venmoed me some money “for traveling expenses”. 

Finn wasn’t too happy I was leaving either. “What am I gonna do?” He moaned as we loaded my single bag into the back of the falcon. “Poe's gone traveling for work this week, too - I’m gonna be so booooored. Why don’t I ever get to go anyplace fun?”

“Come on, there’s room in my suitcase”, I joked. 

“Nah. No thank you. I go in luxury or not at all.” he said haughtily.

“You deserve nothing less.” I kissed his cheek. “You know what you should do? Call up my friend Rose, you two seemed to get along and she’s always saying she doesn’t get out enough.”

“Oh, with the sleeves? From the...? She was so cute! I loved her, gimme her number.” 

When we pulled into the airfield, Ren was there waiting. He looked bothered. As usual.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was nervous. The wind was whipping my hair around and I was starting to worry it would be too windy to fly. She was late again, and I was trying not to panic because we could leave anytime, really. It wasn’t like we were going to miss the flight - one of the benefits of flying chartered. Mostly I was starting to freak out thinking about the nine and a half hour flight ahead of us. Was she going to hate me by the end of it? Most likely. She probably already did, though she seemed to have forgiven me for not dancing with her. I'd been kicking myself ever since that night. Embarrassing myself would have been nothing next to the unexpected hurt in her eyes. She'd looked... _stung_. I hadn't been prepared for that. Why would she care? I was pacing back and forth across the tarmac in the cold and wet when Rey and her boyfriend pulled in.

_In my father’s car._

There was no question it was the same one. Even if there were still a lot of that model on the road (which there _weren't_ ) I’d have known the falcon anywhere. Stunning, the coincidence of it. That it would be them; _**Her**_ , that somehow ended up with all my father had in the way of a physical legacy.

A lot of complicated feelings warred for supremacy inside me: shock that my mother had agreed to sell the thing, a sudden certainty that she’d probably done it at the very first possible opportunity, as a way to ensure that It never went to me. A twinge of pride that the old piece of junk Han had loved so much was somehow, improbably, still running. He blazed in my memory suddenly, as I stood there getting rained on, watching Rey unload her bag from the trunk - as real as if he’d really been there. 

"Looks good," the ghost of my father said approvingly.

"Yeah," I breathed, looking not at the rusty vehicle, but at the woman who had just emerged from it into the misty chill. She hugged Finn goodbye and turned towards me, and I banished the memory and went to take her bag.

“Sorry I’m late.”

“Car trouble again? It’s no wonder.” 

“Hey!” She bristled: “I put a lot of work into that engine, I’ll have you know. She’ll be good as new by the time I’m done with her.”

“Really?” I tried to picture her in faded overalls, black grease smudged across the freckles on her nose. I liked the image more than I would have been comfortable admitting. _“She?”_

Rey smiled. “I guess I do it too,” she said, recalling a conversation we’d had before about the very same vehicle. “Weird.” 

_If only you knew._


	10. Seven Hours at Seven Miles Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alone together at last. It's a lot. Rey needs to vent.

_Notes to Finn hastily typed into my phone’s word processor from the airplane bathroom because I can’t go online or text up here apparently and I **need** to talk to someone who is **not him...**_

**Hour One:**

In my defense, I am an idiot. _How_ did I not know Poe was going to be piloting this flight? I did a double take when his voice came on over the loudspeaker. I guess that explains all the kisses you were blowing at the plane as we were taxiing away. So then I had to explain how I knew Poe, and apparently Ren had thought you and _I_ were dating? (I told you! It’s not just me that’s bad at reading your signals!) Anyway, he’s all relaxed and in a good mood, which is kinda weird. I wonder, is he on Xanax? He’s not even wearing a suit! I mean, it’s still black, but a sweater is a step in the right direction, right? _...Anyway._ Flying is amazing. A little scary, but there’s something so magical about that moment of lift when you like...escape gravity. And seeing everything below get all little is exciting. Even if this trip goes terribly, it will have been worth it for that moment. It’s the first time I’ve really had any real sense of just how tiny we all are relative to the earth. It’s humbling. I might have waxed poetic about it some to Kylo. He probably thinks I’m nuts. 

**Hour Two:**

_Really_ , though. An _idiot_. So, remember how I got all bent out of shape at the party because he told me he doesn’t like me? And how I then told him in no uncertain terms what a piece of shit he is? Well, the next time it looks like i’m going to lose my mind at someone over what I _thought_ they said in a loud bar can you please remind me to... _not_? Because apparently what I heard as “I don’t like you” was actually “I don’t like **TO** ”. AS IN DANCE. As in, _because I am a large and gangly motherfucker who moves like a baby giraffe on ice skates _. So now I’m the asshole. Oh, and I made a crack about his name and how it sounds like a character in a shitty sci-fi comic and it turns out he changed it to distance himself from his family, who (based on his tone) sound about as good as mine, parenting-wise. I’m doing great, you should see it. The fact that I’m supposed to be helping anyone with their presentation and social skills is laughable. I’m never going to make it to Japan; I’ll have died of shame by the time we land.__

____

**Hour Three:**

____

We are drinking mimosas which is excellent cover for how often I’m going to the bathroom, but I feel like they’re putting me at a _slight_ disadvantage. 

____

**Hour Four:**

____

This fuck. I can deal with “sexy asshole”. The macho act, the brooding intimidation thing; as you well know I am _immune_ to that crap due to my superpower of not giving a fuck. What I can’t deal with and am _not_ immune to is whatever the hell is going on now. I made some stupid joke and this fucker just _smiled_ at me and honestly I didn’t know he had it in him but jesus, I was not prepared because seriously, Finn, this - 

____

This is one of **the** all-time _great_ fucking smiles. His face just cracked wide open and his eyes got all crinkly and he looked like a little kid somehow, all goofy and big-eared and sweet and HOW DARE HE BE CUTE I don’t know what to do with cute. 

____

**Hour Five:**

____

So I pitched my green initiative idea and I may have pushed a _little_ too hard? I’m not sanctimonious, am I? Anyway, he shut me down kind of abruptly - said I sounded like his mother in a tone that made it pretty clear that wasn’t a compliment. Dropped it for the time being, but curious about his politics now. Maybe I shouldn’t broach that one just yet, things have mostly been going surprisingly well so far. He’s confusing. 

____

**Hour Six:**

____

Stopped talking for a while, read a little. (Still re-reading David Copperfield). Then he starts asking questions about the book. Next thing, I’m telling him my whole life story as context for why Dickens’ orphan stories and the way he writes about social issues mean so much to me. So now “the enemy” has gotten an earful of all my baggage and knows me better than like ninety percent of humanity. Also, my feet and ankles are swelling like crazy. Is this supposed to be happening? You didn’t tell me this was going to happen. 

____

**Hour Seven:**

____

In a staggering lapse of professionalism, I have just received the mother of all footrubs. I made one little idle complaint about the swelling and all of a sudden there we are and he’s got my shoes off and my probably smelly feet in his lap and he’s mashing them with those big paws of his and I think my soul probably ascended at some point because _good god_. I made some crack about inappropriate work behavior and he just smirked at me and said “Good thing we’re off the clock.” So now I have two questions: When exactly _**am**_ I supposed to be clocking in here, and _what else can he do with those hands_? Fuck, it’s going to be a long week. Can’t wait to get some real privacy when we get to the hotel. 

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *the author rubs her hands together evilly*
> 
> p.s. credit goes to ...someone on tumblr for the baby giraffe on ice skates image. I can't remember where I read it but if anyone knows, all credit to them, it was brilliant and it stuck.


	11. Turbulence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> getting to know another person means lowering some defenses. which means backstory.

The trip had gotten off to an unbelievably good start until about eight hours in, when we hit some turbulence. Rey’s knuckles on the arm of her seat went whiter with each bump of the cabin. 

“It’s nothing to worry about - just air currents. Happens all the time.”

“Okay,” she said, but I could see how tense she’d grown. She was anxiously looking out the window, though there was nothing to see this high up.

“No big deal,” I continued, trying to reassure her. 

“So you keep saying.” she snapped. It occurred to me - when she was frightened or hurt, she lashed out in anger, same as I did. _We aren’t as different as you probably think._ Of course, her rage was anything but intimidating, and mine had a body count...but still. It meant something. 

“Do you fly very often?” She asked, still gazing intently at the clouds.

“Pretty regularly. You’ve never traveled?” She shook her head.

“How many other countries have you been to?” I seized her question as an opportunity. Maybe if I kept her talking, I could distract her from the plane’s movement. Her forehead was creased with worry and I found myself fighting the ridiculous urge to smooth it; to stroke her brown hair. It looked soft. 

“I don’t know. A lot. When I was young, my parents’ work took us all over the world. And then I went to boarding school in Europe.”

“Really? Your family must be really rich. That sounds fancy.” 

“They were wealthy. My grandfather was a shipping magnate - industrialist type. Think Andrew Carnegie but...without the philanthropy.” I nearly dropped his name. Surely she had heard of Anakin Vader. I thought better of it. She’d either think I was boasting, or judge me on the less savory parts of his reputation. That’s what people usually did. They saw only greed and the hoarding of resources, and not the impoverished kid who worked himself up from literal rags to become one of the most powerful men in the world for a time.

“Wow.”

“Yeah. And it was fancy, I suppose. But very strict.”

“Was it hard for you?”

“The strictness?”

“No, being away from your family. I can’t imagine what that’s like, since...you know.”

“You don’t have one.”

“Right.” She had told me her story only a little while previously, though she’d hinted at it before now. Left in a cardboard box as a week-old newborn on the steps of Children’s Services. It was infuriating. Discarded as though she were nothing. How could anyone have done that to her? Logically, I knew that whoever her parents had been, they’d had problems; needed help. It didn’t stop me from wanting to destroy them for the childhood of loneliness and deprivation they’d abandoned her to.

“......Yeah. Yes, It was hard. I didn’t want to go.”

“They made you?”

“My mother. I don’t think my dad liked the idea much but...she always gets her way, so…”

“You and he are close?”

“Were. He died some years ago.”

“Sorry.” I nodded, pivoting back to the subject. 

“Anyway, they always fought a lot - which now I realize was only about half because they came from completely different worlds and were totally incompatible, and half some kind of messed up foreplay.” She laughed a little at this, and the forehead uncrinkled some. “But for a kid, it’s not great being surrounded by people shouting at one another.” She nodded seriously, like someone to whom this wasn’t a foreign concept. “So, shockingly, I had some behavioral problems growing up.”

“Wait, so they sent you away to straighten you out?”

“Something like that. And then after I graduated, I did two tours in the Middle East. And then travel for work.”

“Tours? Like, on a bus?”

“No, in the Marines.”

“Seriously?” 

I shrugged. “I guess I figured I might as well get rewarded for being overly aggressive for once. Besides, I wanted to piss off my mother.”

“Did it work?”

“She told me that I was ‘sacrificing myself on the altar of American Imperialism’ and that I was selling my soul by my participation in an unjust conflict. That the government had used the fear of terrorism to sell a war that was never intended to do anything but line the pockets of men like her father - who she hated, by the way. So, I’d say yeah, it worked.” Rey looked uncomfortable and unsure of what to say and I cursed myself. “I guess not even she can be wrong about everything.” I said ruefully, to let her know where I came down on the subject. At this, she looked thoughtful and lapsed into silence. Had I said too much? Not enough? I wasn’t used to opening up to anyone about my past. 

_Not that you told her the whole story._ You left out all the worst bits. It was for the best. She didn’t need to know just how broken I was. And I didn’t want her to. I couldn’t stomach the looks of pity and revulsion with which I imagined she would receive the whole truth.

The plane had stopped shaking, and I knew we were scheduled to land soon. To lighten the mood, I asked, “Are you excited? About Tokyo?”

Her face brightened as she nodded, hazel eyes sparkling. “Have you been before?”

“Only once. But I know someone who lives there - I’ve asked her to show us around.”

“Oh.” A shadow crossed her face. “Are we going to have time to sightsee with your... friend? I thought we were here to work.”

“We are and we are. We have some dinner meetings and other events planned with the clients, but we’ll have plenty of time to kill, you’ll see. Don’t worry, you’ll like Maz.”

“Okay.” She was quiet for the rest of the flight, which was uneventful. As we rode a cab through the city to the hotel, neither of us said much. I watched her awestruck gaze as she soaked up the sights and sounds of the unfamiliar city, glowing with pleasure at its chaotic beauty. Occasionally I’d look away from the colored lights that lined the street playing over the smooth planes of her beautiful face and try to see the scene through her eyes - evidence of a world unknown, and therefore unspoiled. A couple of times, I got the feeling she was watching me, and turned to her, only to find her transfixed by something new outside the window, rapturous and in love with all of it. 

It was wishful thinking, I knew. She would never look at me that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you're ready for the heat (and the drama) to get turned up on this story - i've teased you juust about long enough ;) Next up: the hotel. Guess what? Yeah, you know where this is going. I love to hear your thoughts; hit me up in the comments or on tumbler @veryusual


	12. Roomies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...and there was only one bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://imgur.com/z9rFFPH)  
> 
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to the lovely Ever_Dark, who knows what time it is.

As we sped through the city, crammed into the tiny sedan, I was overwhelmed by the sights and sounds of the city, every corner of which seemed to be lit with a neon rainbow. Buildings stretched unimaginably high into the atmosphere, defying all attempts to make out where they ended in the dim evening sky. There were people everywhere - an endless press of milling pedestrians, and delicious food smells filled the air, making me realize just how _hungry_ I was. We’d snacked on the plane of course, but I hadn’t eaten anything real all day and I was suddenly starving. But in spite of the many distractions that beckoned from the other side of the car window, part of me was more interested in the man sitting to my left, squeezed by the narrow dimensions of the backseat so that he couldn’t help but intrude into my personal space. Not that I actually minded all that much. As we traveled in comfortable silence, our knees and upper arms bumping together gently with the turns, I found myself sneaking looks at him when he wasn’t paying attention.  


The flight here had made one thing abundantly clear - there was more to Kylo Ren than I had previously assumed. He wasn’t simply what I’d been led to believe - the rage-filled tyrant consumed with corporate greed was not here. In his place was...something else. I wasn’t sure what to make of him. Just when I thought I’d figured him out, he’d catch me off guard again. Our conversation on the plane had felt almost like a fencing match, a dance of prodding and deflection. Not that I knew anything about fencing. It was the sort of thing they probably taught at Swiss boarding school.  


The hotel near the city center, and as swanky as I’d come to expect from anything having to do with Kylo. I didn’t even want to think about how much it was costing per night for two rooms here. My few experiences with the hospitality industry were limited to the kind of cheap chain motel that can be found just off most highway exits. This was something else entirely. The lobby had a water feature and a giant metal piece of what I assumed was sculpture, as it served no apparent function. I went and sat with our bags on a nearby couch to wait while he checked us in. I was inspecting the welds when my attention was caught by his voice’s increasing volume. He was arguing with the front desk staff, but I couldn’t tell what was happening, since the conversation was taking place in Japanese. Which he was fluent in. Of course he was.  
Just then he looked back at me, and seeing my concerned expression, he quieted a little. He said something brusquely to the clerk and came over to me.  


“There’s a problem.” He looked frustrated and embarrassed at the same time and I wondered what the issue could possibly be. “I was very clear with them when I made the reservation. We were to have the executive suite and a deluxe room next door. There was no mistake on my end. I want you to know that.”  


“So what’s the mistake?”  


“They only booked us the suite, and all the other rooms in the hotel are full. The suite is pretty big, but there’s only one bedroom and it’s a single.”  


“So there are other hotels, right?”  


He shook his head grimly. “Apparently there’s a big festival happening and everything is booked. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. They’re assuring me that the couch in the suite is comfortable enough to sleep on, and I’m willing to sleep there if you think we can make it work. I’m not sure what choice we have.”  


“Fine.”  


“Do you want to at least go look at the room? I’m really sorry. Someone is getting fired over this, I’ll make sure of it. “  


“No, please don’t do that.” I said hurriedly, “it’s fine. Don’t worry about it, seriously. Let’s just go get settled. I’m exhausted. And hungry. Aren’t you hungry?”  
He nodded, and with an audible sigh of relief, went back and got the keycards.  


We argued the whole way upstairs - up fifteen floors in the elevator, (which we shared with an uncomfortable-looking family of british tourists), and down three hallways until we found the suite.  


“Really, I don’t mind.”  


“You’re being ridiculous. It was my mistake - well not really, but I'm responsible - you have to take the bed.”  


“I don’t have to do anything. You’re being ridiculous. It’s a couch. It’s not that serious. I’ve slept worse places, I’m sure.”  


“So have I. You’re taking the bed and that’s all there is to it.”  


“But I’m not the one who actually has to talk to the clients and needs to be well rested!”  


“I don’t care.”  


“Why are you so _stubborn_?”  


“ _I'm_ stubborn? That’s rich. You’re more stubborn than I am!”  


“No, I’m not!”  


“No?”  


“Definitely not!”  


“Then why won’t you TAKE THE DAMN BED?” he roared.  


“FINE! I WILL! JUST TO PROVE YOU WRONG!” I roared back.  


All down the hall, doors started opening, and heads poked out into the hallway. Luckily, we had arrived at our room. I ducked inside sheepishly and heard Kylo mumble  


“Sorry. Sumimasen.” as he shuffled into the room behind me. When the door clicked shut, we both stood there in the dark room for a moment, laughing quietly. And then he turned on the light.  


The moment the lamp flicked on, illuminating the beautifully designed suite, it became immediately obvious that there was no way in hell Kylo was going to be able to sleep on that couch. He was just too damn tall, and like so much Japanese design, it was, well - _compact_. Dropping his bags, he sat on it experimentally and found it comfortable as promised, but when he tried to lie down he looked ridiculous, his long legs fully draped over and hanging off of the side of the stylish, but woefully inadequate piece of furniture. Glancing into the bedroom, and seeing it dominated by a bed that was probably bigger than my entire room back home, I did what any sane person would do:  


“You look stupid. You obviously can’t sleep there. Come on.” and I went into the bedroom to unpack my bag, leaving the door open. There was silence from the living room for a long few seconds.  


“...What?”  


“Sleep in here. There’s plenty of room. I don’t bite.” He appeared in the doorway.  


“You. Want me to sleep. In here. With you?  


“Well only if you _want_ , I mean, don’t do me any _favors_. I’m not giving the bed up, not after all that. I just thought maybe you’d want to actually be able to sleep sometime, and not have to be a human pretzel and I thought I’d be _generous_ and let you share the bed _you **made** me agree to take_.” He disappeared again.  


_Fuck. What were you thinking? You did it again. Stop putting yourself out there!_  


“We have an early day tomorrow.” Kylo called from the next room. I didn’t answer, and instead went into the bathroom to change into my pajamas, immensely grateful for the fact that I’d managed to pack some that were neither overtly sexy or embarrassingly threadbare. When I came back out, ready to toss my clothes back into my open suitcase, I was surprised to find he had moved into the room completely. Suits were hanging crisply in the closet, his bags were hidden away, and he was filling the drawers in the dresser as if he lived here. Not only that, he had already unmade the bed and changed clothes, and apparently was on the phone with room service as well. I marveled at the efficiency. He hung up, turned around. He was wearing grey sweatpants and a tshirt emblazoned with the Harvard Business School logo. I wrestled with the sudden urge to climb him like a tree. What had I gotten myself into?  


“I didn’t know what you wanted to eat so I ordered one of everything. It should be here in twenty minutes.”  


_Stop it, Rey. Get ahold of yourself. Do **NOT** catch feelings for this man_, I thought. What I said was: “Perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everything takes longer than i think it will with these two. sorry. they're getting there.


	13. Rise and Shine

By the time room service arrived, we had moved the couch, placing it squarely in front of the plate glass window that faced the Tokyo skyline. Rey’s eyes were wide and sparkling as she took in the vast spread of the city, which (though I’d been there before) seemed fresh and new to me now as I saw it through her eyes. When the food came, she attacked it with abandon, eating far more than I’d have thought possible for a woman of her size. There was something animal about it actually, something feral in the relish with which she ate. It didn’t seem entirely civilized to enjoy oneself so much. I wondered briefly if all of her appetites were this ravenous….  


_Stop torturing yourself. And being a creep. If you get even a **little bit** hard in these stupid sweats, she’s going to see it and everything’s going to go to hell. _Things had been going remarkably well so far, in spite of (because of?) the debacle with the rooms, a mistake I still wasn’t sure I was willing to forgive and forget. At the very least, the hotel would be getting a lousy Yelp review from me.  


After we’d eaten, I cleaned up while Rey went to brush her teeth. By the time I was ready to clean up, she’d already gotten under the covers and turned off the light. Which spared us any awkward conversations about who was on which side. Unfortunately, she had chosen the wrong one.  


“Move over.”  


“What?” she mumbled, already half asleep.  


“I need you to move over. That side.” I said, pointing helpfully.  


“The fuck are you talking about.”  


“I’m sorry, I need you to. I have to be by the door.” I wasn’t explaining, she was just going to have to accept it. She made a vaguely disturbing sound, like a gargled groan, and the lump under the covers clumsily shifted over a couple of feet. She was right, it _was_ a big bed.  


“Thanks.” She grunted in response and, based on the deep and even sound of her breathing, promptly passed out. I lay awake a long time, however. Even with the jet lag, I was too keyed up to sleep at first. Not that I ever really slept well. Most nights I only got a couple of hours. It was in the night hours when I lay alone in the dark that all my ghosts came back to haunt me, their voices in my head as my worst memories replayed in an endless loop. Rey’s warm, frank presence, snoring softly next to me, seemed to banish them somehow. But sleep still eluded me, until eventually, abruptly, it didn’t.  


\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


I woke up slowly, to the sunlight warm on my eyelids. It was the gradual waking that only comes after a deep and restful sleep. I felt relaxed...cozy.  


Too cozy.  


As my brain started up, firing slowly as it tried to shake of the dust, I became aware of a few things. One - I was in a hotel bed in Tokyo with Kylo Ren. Two - at some point in our sleep we had apparently started spooning, and now an (evidently still fast asleep) Kylo was wrapped around me like an anaconda, muscular arms cinched tight around my waist as his hot breath dampened the back of my neck. And Three - …..yup. That was _definitely_ a _very_ sizeable erection pressing into my ass through our soft sleep pants. I froze, suddenly panicked and unsure how to extricate myself. The movement woke him up, and he pulled away suddenly, putting as much distance as he could between us. He let go of me so abruptly that it was almost as though his hands were burned where he had touched me, and even though I had just been trying to get free, now I felt vaguely insulted.  


“For having wanted that side so badly, you don’t seem to care to stay in it.”  


“What are you talking about? You were on my side,” he scoffed, defensive.  


“Well if I was, it was only because you made me move and I naturally gravitate towards that side. Where I usually sleep.” Just then, the argument was derailed a knock on the door. Kylo burst to his feet, ignoring me, and went to answer.  


It was Maz Kanata, Kylo’s “old friend” - who was nothing I could have prepared for. Maz was a tiny elderly lady dressed in loudly colored baggy clothing covered with pockets, and huge plastic-rimmed glasses that magnified her eyes ridiculously, giving her the appearance of some sort of wrinkly little lemur. I was instantly intrigued, and even more when I saw how soft and sweet he was with her, bowing so deeply he was bent double as he lowered his face so that she could reach it with her papery hands. He patiently endured kisses and pats to his cheeks from the ancient, who said “Hello, beautiful boy,” before turning to me.  


“You must be Rey.” her English was slightly accented, but perfectly understandable, and I felt like the only person on the planet who didn’t speak a second language (or a third, or a fourth, or a fifth…)  


“Yes, ma’am. Pleased to meet you.” Looking at me appraisingly, she crossed the room to get closer. When only a side table stood between us, she stepped up onto it and stood eye to eye with me, staring intensely into my face. I met her gaze and held it for a few moments before dissolving into nervous laughter. She nodded and stepped down, seeming to have decided something.  


“You two hurry up get ready. I have something planned for you today. You’ll like this, but get dressed quick or we’re gonna be late!”  


We had most of the day to kill before meeting with the clients for drinks in the early evening, the first of a series of meetings meant to build relationships and convince them to invest their capital in a new endeavor - server farms; whatever those were. Maz took us first to a class in kaisho, a style of japanese calligraphy. There, a beleaguered instructor with saintly patience was teaching clueless tourists how to approximate kanji on thick creamy paper using pots of black ink and brushes made of bamboo and horsehair. The smiling man did a demonstration of some of the more common signs - those for cat, peace, love, and luck. I tried my hand at a couple (“strength”, which looked a lot like a pi symbol, and “balance”, which was a lot harder) and found myself about as good at it as anyone would expect. Eventually, I gave up, frustrated by my lack of sensitivity to brushstroke, which the instructor seemed to think was incurable.  


It was more fun to watch Kylo, anyway. He was surprisingly into it, immersed in the activity. His concentration as he replicated the graceful movements was intense. His brow furrowed and the pink tip of his tongue protruded from one side of his mouth as he moved the brush with perfect control and agonizing slowness. But when the class was over and we compared our pages, his “truth” and “prosperity” looked like a professional had done them, whereas mine were smudgy and unimpressively dumpy looking.  


“I can’t believe how good you are at that.”  


“Oh I know, so talented!” Maz piped up enthusiastically. “When he little boy, he always used to do calligraphy. Han would want him to help in garage, and he say “No, daddy, I’m working on my letters. He was big nerd.” I laughed at the image as his ears turned red.  


“ _Maz_ ,” he moaned. “Anyway it’s not the same kind of calligraphy.”  


“See?” she retorted. “Nerd. Just be glad I don’t bring baby pictures.” She turned to me, conspiratorial. “I used to babysit him. I got the good stuff.” He looked so helpless and abject at the old woman’s teasing that I almost felt bad for him, but that didn’t stop me from grinning at Maz. He was right, I did like her. I liked anyone who could make him squirm like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the lovely comments, which have watered my crops.


	14. Turning the Screws

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has: sightseeing, tourism, mutual pining, sexual frustration, introspection, and a challenging jackass. (no, another one).
> 
> content warning for a small amount of verbal harassment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://imgur.com/z9rFFPH)

  
“So do you feel like explaining what all that was about? Because I’m feeling kinda lost.” 

“What did you want explained?”As we strolled through the Harajuku district, I turned to Rey, who looked thoughtfully at the enormous chocolate and strawberry crepe in her hand. Stuffed with ice cream and topped with marshmallows decorated to look like romping kittens, it was like so much else here, over the top. Rey didn’t seem at all daunted by it. As she considered where to lick first, she looked more like a fighter sizing up an opponent than anything else. 

“Okay, first off, what’s the deal with the maids?” 

We had arrived at the cafe thinking ourselves prepared for the meeting - after the morning with Maz we’d smartened up our dress at the hotel. I’d put on a suit, of course. Rey had rummaged in her backpack for way too long before dragging out a sedately cut but extremely formfitting dress. She hadn’t been able to zip it all the way up by herself, and had asked for help. My hands had been shaking so badly, I almost hadn’t managed it. Hopefully it hadn’t been too obvious. We looked professional, I’d brought gifts for the team - I felt ready to demonstrate how serious we were about doing business with Ohnaka Data Solutions. 

The atmosphere at the cafe they’d chosen to meet at, however, was anything but serious. We were greeted at the door by a group of busty young women dressed like soubrettes in a nineteenth-century burlesque - the stereotypical sexy french maid - who proceeded to fawn over us,waiting on us with a level of obsequiousness that was frankly uncomfortable, and calling us “master” and “mistress”. I hadn’t been sure what to make of it either. 

“Not sure. Ketsu seemed right at home though, didn’t he?” 

“That’s the big deal?” 

“Yeah, he’s the president and CEO.” Ketsu Ohnaka, like his father; who’d founded the company and run it until his death several years previously, had a reputation as a cutthroat who always got the better end of every deal. It was said to be unlucky to oppose him. I’d been expecting a reserved and calculating chessman. What I’d found had been a sharp-eyed rowdy. He’d been casually disrespectful - both to the girls of the cafe waitstaff, and to his own team, who treated him with absolute deference. Part of me wanted to ask him his secret. The rest recognized that maybe I didn’t really want people to be afraid of me anymore. I looked at Rey, who was utterly absorbed in her crepe and took no notice of me. It was because of her, somehow; this change in me. She was getting to me; seeping into the cracks in my defenses, making me want to see myself reflected in her eyes better than I really was. I tried to explain Ohnaka to her - what I’d heard of him, and my impressions. When I’d finished, Rey said, 

“So…. he’s you.” 

“Fuck, I hope not. I didn’t really like the guy.” Which supported her point, if anything. 

“Do you think he’s actually a creep, or do you think he was just trying to wrong-foot you? I mean, like….was he acting that way because that’s how he acts all the time? Or was he trying to make you uncomfortable; testing you?” 

I thought about that. I had been - both because something about that sort of sexualized subservience from people who were dependent upon the arrangement for their income didn’t sit well with me, and because I felt a bit ashamed to have brought Rey there. 

“I hadn’t thought about it that way. Is there really a difference though? Doesn’t acting like a creep make you...a creep?” 

“Maybe...But then, people do things that seem kind of...shady...for legitimate reasons too. Maybe he was just trying to show you a good time, and it didn’t seem creepy to him? Maybe it’s a cultural difference? I did get the feeling they hadn’t expected you to bring me.” 

“That’s probably true.” The entire team had been male, and looks of surprise had accompanied my introduction of Rey to the group. I felt sure that the venue would have been different had they known I was bringing a female coworker. Or would it? I recalled Ohnaka’s casual and vocal appraisal of our waitresses’ assets - _“How much extra to let me bury my face in those fat tits of yours, ii onna?”_ and wondered. I was glad Rey hadn’t been able to understand the conversation. 

“If he was trying to make a power move, I’m afraid I gave him what he wanted,” I told her. “He had a good laugh about it.” Rey, who had taken the whole thing pretty much in stride, as usual, looked at me quizzically. “I think it was pretty obvious I was uncomfortable. He made some cracks about how he was sorry he had made an assumption about me, and he should have selected somewhere that had tsunderes, where I would better pleased. 

“Tsunderes?” 

“He was saying that if I wasn’t happy being waited on hand and foot by women, that I’d prefer to be slapped around and insulted by them. It may have been a dig at my masculinity.” In fact, the more I thought about it, the more certain I was that it had been exactly this. 

“Yeah, sounds like a power move to me. But I mean, I wouldn’t be worried. If I were you. I mean, you’re plenty ma...oh shit, my ice cream!” and suddenly Rey was very busy fussing with napkins as she tried to clean up the mess of melted stickiness running up her arm. When she’d collected herself a few moments later, she continued, carefully,; “...you didn’t find it...exciting? Some of those girls were really pretty. I could see why guys would like to go, get doted on.” 

“I didn’t really notice.” I had only had eyes for Rey the entire time - another fact which Ketsu had doubtless caught and planned to make use of. I cursed myself for being so transparent. 

“Oh.” 

“I was focused on other things.” Like the joyful way she had spun on the cafe barstool, and the way her tight skirt had hitched up, sliding along the expanse of a smooth, toned thigh. Like the way she was smiling now, so brilliantly; a dimple punctuating her cheek. Just next to it, a little fleck of ice cream clung to her skin. We had stopped walking. I reached out and wiped the offending speck away with my thumb, wishing I could kiss it off instead. For a moment, the air between us seemed to vibrate, full of an energy I couldn’t name or understand. 

“We’re almost back at the hotel,” she breathed. I looked up. It was true - we’d walked much farther than I’d realized. I sucked in a ragged breath and the moment broke apart. 

“Sorry. You just had - “ 

“It’s okay.” 

“No. You told me to keep my hands to myself, remember?” She nodded curtly, looking annoyed at my breach of propriety. I guessed that the overstep had reminded her of another; one I wished I could forget. “About this morning -” 

“It’s fine. Forget about it.” 

“No. It was completely inappropriate and I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” 

“Whatever. Just drop it. We’re fine. What’s the plan for tomorrow?” 

“You mind hanging out with Maz some more?” 

“No, I love her. What are we doing?” 

The Ohnaka team wants to meet again in the morning at a local bath house. Saunas and hot tubbing are really popular social activities here. Since they’re gender segregated though, I figured while I’m working, you and Maz could come along and just hang out and enjoy the spa.” 

“Sounds good, I guess.” 

“Then she was going to take us to a temple to check out the festival.” 

We had arrived at our room. “Cool.” said Rey, with a tone that I recognized as meaning she was done talking to me. “I’m just gonna…” and she disappeared into the bathroom. 

“Okay.” I sank onto the couch and put my head in my hands. It was going to be another long night. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By some unspoken agreement, we didn’t talk anymore once we got back to the hotel room. Which was good, I guess. I needed to think; to sort out the confusion I felt. Kylo had been about to kiss me back there - _hadn’t_ he? Was I going crazy? That had _felt_ like a moment. So what had stopped him? And what was I supposed to do about it? Because the one thing I was sure of now was that I wanted him to. In spite of my divided loyalties and our wildly different backgrounds (and probably totally incompatible values). In spite of the clear conflict of interest and the demonstrated fact that he had a dangerous temper and a bunch of emotional baggage. I didn’t care about any of it anymore. I wanted him, and I was finally coming to terms with the fact. But he didn’t seem to feel the same way - or if he did, he was conflicted about it. Had I done something? He’d been nothing but kind and respectful to me, yet somehow I still felt as though I’d been rejected. It was like the party and the dancing all over again. There were a million really good reasons why this shouldn’t happen. I had no right to be mad because he wasn’t slinging me over his shoulder and tossing me onto the bed. 

But I was. I took a long time in the bathroom, hoping a hot shower, would help me relax. It didn’t. I couldn’t get him out of my head. Was there any chance at all that he was suffering the way I was? Slowly, as the steam permeated the room and the water beating down on me began to cool, I arrived at a decision. 

Maybe he wasn’t feeling the same things I was - but if it was in my power to change that, I was going to. I was going to _make_ him suffer. I discarded the previous night’s staid flannel pajamas and instead dragged something else from the chaos of my bag. Dressing, I surveyed the results in the foggy mirror. _Not bad. Tits a bit small, but maybe he’s a leg guy._

I didn’t get to find out. When I opened the door and re-emerged into the suite. Kylo was gone. I waited up as long as I could, but it wasn’t long before my eyes grew heavy and I sank into a comfortable sleep, alone in the big bed. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
While Rey was in the shower, I made my escape. I didn’t know where I was going, only that I couldn’t be there right now. Not with how badly I wanted to kiss her. I could feel something building between us, and the sense of inevitability that accompanied it had me feeling desperate; panicked - like a cornered animal. 

Not that I didn’t want something to happen. On the contrary, I wanted her so badly that it hurt. It was like a tightness low in my stomach that never unclenched. The constant effort it took to restrain myself - from looking at her too long and showing my hand, from not reaching out to touch her, was exhausting. 

The worst of it was, I wasn’t sure anymore why I was trying so hard to resist. Of course, there were good reasons why it was a bad idea. On the one hand, she was my employee - which meant that, like the maids at the cafe, she couldn’t really tell me to fuck off without fear of losing her job. Not that she’d ever hesitated to tell me off in the past...and she deserved someone better. Someone less...damaged. I owed it to her to keep my distance. If I made a move, how would I be any different than a dick like Ohnaka? 

I wanted to be - maybe more to the point, I wanted her to see me as different; better, maybe, than I actually was or ever had been. But was it really altruism that had me putting on the breaks? Or fear? 

I had spent the last twenty years building up defenses. I had worked hard to harden myself - to calcify and wall off my emotions. From the mask that was my alter-ego, to the careful building of a reputation designed to keep people away, I had invested a lot of energy in being an unknowable cipher, an unfeeling machine. The walls I had built so carefully, the defenses I had clung to, were threatening to dissolve like sugar cubes in the rain in the weeks since Rey had come into my life. If I let her in, what would that mean for me? The idea was as terrifying as it was attractive. I wandered the city for a long time, puzzling it out, an island of introspection buffeted along by the crowds as I walked the Tokyo streets, awash in the colored lights and noise of the city. Eventually, it started raining, and the slickness of the immaculate pavements forced me back inside. Bad enough to be sleep-deprived and agitated for the meeting with Ketsu tomorrow; the last thing I needed was a broken leg, too. 

By the time I returned to the suite, Rey was fast asleep - as I’d hoped she would be. She was also sprawled across the bed, on top of the covers; taking up not only most of her own side, but mine as well. 

She was a vision, lying here. Dark hair, still slightly damp from the shower, clung to the warm, moist skin of her cheek and forehead. She lay on her side; half turned, legs and arms akimbo, wearing only a friable tank top that exposed several inches of the flat smoothness of her belly, and which in its thinness was slightly transparent, over a tiny pair of lacy red underpants. The perfect round globes of her ass peeked out below them. I wanted to bury my face in it until I suffocated. I felt like I was suffocating already - all the air had somehow left the room, though the sleeping Rey was somehow breathing with unforced regularity and ease. 

I groaned quietly, and sank to the floor beside her as I did the math: one, there was no room in the bed for me unless I moved her, or woke her up. Which I was not, under any circumstances, going to do. It would be better - safer - to let her sleep. I needed to try to rest too. I grabbed a throw pillow from the couch and lay down on the floor next to the bed. Moments later, a soft moan from above made me sit up again. 

Rey’s rosy lips had parted, and her front teeth dug into the bottom one. Her brow furrowed slightly, and I wondered what she was dreaming about. I didn’t have to wonder long. She sighed, squirmed, turned over slightly, and - still deep asleep, her hand moved. It slid down her body, skimming over the curves and angles much as I’d imagined doing just minutes earlier, before disappearing behind the screen of red lace. I lay back down, breathing hard, and stared at the ceiling, trying not to hear the quiet whimpers that were coming from the bed. My cock was maddeningly stiff. I tried everything - I put the pillow over my head, tried to distract myself with plans for the coming day; I even tried some of my uncle’s stupid-ass meditation techniques - not that they’d ever worked for me before. Nothing helped, and finally I was forced to face the truth. 

I wouldn’t be sleeping tonight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, I love to hear your thoughts! Come talk to me on tumblr at  (main/general interest) or (enemies-to-lovers focused, fandom heavy, where I post fic updates and fanart). sorry for the long break between updates. its hard to find time alone to write when the whole fam is quarantined with you and breathing down your neck. next up: negotiations, swinging dicks, moar backstory, and a confession.


	15. The Sweats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> negotiations continue. buckle up.

When the sunlight had warmed my eyelids open, I noticed something right away. The bed next to me was empty. Where was Kylo? I wandered blearily into the suite proper to investigate and found only a room service cart laden with breakfast options. I was digging in to something I didn’t recognize, when the front door flew open and he burst into the room. I nearly choked. 

He was wearing next to nothing - a pair of almost absurdly tiny gym shorts and running shoes, and that was it. There was so _much_ of him. And it was all sort of... _glistening_. He seemed to fill the room somehow, displacing the air. Anyway, I couldn’t breathe all of a sudden. _Jesus, his abs_ had abs. Spluttering, I tried to recover. 

“Where were you? Do you know what this is I’m eating? It’s...interesting." He glanced at it, crossing the distance between us. 

“Went for a run. Umeboshi. Pickled plums.” 

“Oh. Want some?” I glanced at the cart only to realize I was holding the only bowl of the stuff, from which we had apparently been meant to serve ourselves rather than eat directly. I gathered a bite up and poked it towards him. With his dark eyes locked on to mine, he leaned in with incremental slowness, as if expecting at any moment for me to snatch the morsel away, and took it in his mouth. 

“Mmm.” he made a little yummy grumble low in his throat. Closed his eyes for a second, savoring.” I didn’t have a bite in my own mouth, but I swallowed hard anyway. “Good stuff.” Abruptly, he walked past me, grunting; “Shower.” 

Just then, Maz arrived, When I told her Kylo was in the bathroom, she marched in and banged on the door smartly. Through it, they agreed that Maz and I would head over to the bathhouse on our own and meet up with him later. Meanwhile, I was throwing on jeans, sandals and a bra. We left as soon as I was dressed. 

Maz was easy to be with. As we made our way through the city, she was greeted frequently. Everyone seemed to know her. We chatted about nothing and were quietly companionable by turns until she suddenly asked; “So - how long?” 

“What?” 

“How long you and -” she said the name as if it choked her a little - “Kylo been a thing?” 

“Oh, we’re not - I mean, we’re just...we work together. We’re not _together_.” I protested, awkwardly. Maz kept silent a moment, looking at me critically, the wrinkles around her eyes puckering as she squinted at me until the eyes themselves had all but disappeared. She wasn’t buying it. 

“Oh. I see. That’s professional bed-sharing. For business. Too bad.” 

“Why is it too bad?” I wondered. I had stopped walking, but Maz had continued, moving surprisingly fast on her short legs. By the time I had caught up to her, we had arrived at the bath house. Upon having paid our admission, we were directed to showers. “Oh I’m good, I just took one.” 

“Okay, if you want to be that guy.” 

“What do you mean? 

“I mean if you want everybody in here to think foreigners don’t wash they ass...go ahead.” 

“Fine! It’s not a big _deal_. Geez.” 

“I’m just saying.” Being on the receiving end of her affectionate nettling was less enjoyable than watching her direct it at Kylo, and I wished he was here. I wondered how his meeting with Ohnaka was going and whether he’d be able to keep his cool if the guy tried to get under his skin again. We took our showers and made our way to the baths. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Once again, Ohnaka had the jump on me and was already there when I arrived. I could feel him watching me as we stripped down, taking note of how well I adhered to the rituals of cleanliness that were expected. I cleaned down the shower stall, used the bucket and washcloth to scrub down meticulously, and rinsed everything well after, feeling not for the first time that meticulous attention to detail was maybe my best quality. I hoped he could see it too. 

As far as anything else he was seeing, well; let him get an eyeful. So often these business deals were dick-measuring exercises anyway - with who could drive the harder bargain filling in as proxy for the actual pricks. In that context, letting Ketsu see what I was working with could only help me. I’d been in enough locker rooms to know I had nothing to be embarrassed about. 

If anything he saw surprised him, he didn’t let on. I, in turn, tried not to show _my_ surprise when his disrobing revealed a number of tattoos, which I had understood to be forbidden in most onsen due to their traditional associations with the criminal underworld. _Interesting._

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Sharing the tub with us was a group of other old women whom she’d who were deep in their own raucous conversation, and whom Maz had dismissed as “gossiping old hens”. Everyone there seemed over sixty. I had never seen so many saggy, elderly tits in my life, and it was giving me a newfound appreciation for my own. 

“So, what did you mean, ‘too bad’?” I asked Maz once we were comfortably soaking. I wasn’t going to let it go. 

“I like you. You’re...scrappy. Seem light, not weighed down by anything. Good for him.” 

“Oh. Thanks.” 

“But it don’t matter. You not together. Just business. Still, too bad. That boy needs love.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Real bad. I don’t think he’s very happy person. Never had enough.” 

“You were friends with his parents, right? Back in the day? What was their deal?” 

“Good people. Do anything for what they thought was right. Doesn’t mean no mistakes. I loved them, though. Especially daddy. Han...he was something, that man. You would have liked him. Women always did. I don’t see Kylo’s mommy since the funeral.” She sounded regretful. 

“How did he die?” At this, Maz hesitated. 

“It was ruled an accident,” she said finally, after a long pause. “No one blames him.” 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

“You prefer this meeting to the other.” It wasn’t a question. As we soaked, Ketsu’s black eyes continued to take my measure. 

“Yes. Everyone is equal here.” 

“Because only men are allowed. I was surprised you brought your woman before. I had understood you would be travelling alone.” 

“My plans changed. And she isn’t ‘my woman’. She’s a colleague. I value her opinion.” 

“Yet she does not participate in our negotiations.” 

“No. The decisions are mine.” 

“And have you made one? I am eager to begin our partnership.” 

“As am I. Assuming we can come to terms.” 

“You have secured the necessary real estate?” 

“I have. We can break ground at a moment’s notice. Hux’s estimate is that construction can be completed by the end of the summer. The only thing that remains is to determine -” 

“How much of the project I intend to fund.” 

“Correct.” 

“This foray into data processing represents a significant potential source of new income for First Order.” 

“As well as significant risk.” 

“Hence my insistence on your discretion, Kylo-san.” 

“You needn’t worry about that.” 

“Much of this data will be of a...sensitive nature.” 

“Fortunately for you, I happen to be very good at keeping secrets.” 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Maz and I hopped from tub to tub - ten minutes here, then drink some water and into another for ten minutes there. Heat up, cool down, rinse, repeat. All the while, she regaled me with stories about the old days; in which she, with a small circle of friends which had included Kylo’s parents, had been part of a rebellious multi-national group whose purpose had been equal parts humanitarian aid and subversive political action. The more Maz talked about Kylo’s father, Han, and the good old days, the more I wished I could have met the man. He sounded amazing. Likewise, my affection for the old woman deepened into respect and admiration as she regaled me with stories of their adventures. 

They had traveled all over - protests, war zones, you name it. Han had been a pilot, and Maz had gone with him on countless missions, many on the wrong side of the law. But who cared about legality when you were smuggling refugees out of a bloody conflict zone in the middle east or sabotaging a shipment of weapons sent by the U.S. government to prop up a cruel south american dictator? For years they had operated, one step ahead of arrest at all times, quietly financed by Kylo’s mother’s inheritance from her hated father, the tycoon. Until she had become pregnant. 

Then, Maz said, her priorities had shifted. She had become more focused on domestic issues, working above board; abandoning the riskier international jobs. Han had struggled - he’d always thrived on risk and adventure. He wasn’t the settling down type. He’d made an effort, Maz thought. He just... wasn’t very good at it, and as a result everyone had suffered. Sometimes, she said, even the best people failed when it came to their families. _Sure_ , I thought, thinking of my own. _Not everyone is up to the job. At least they **tried**._

She refused to elaborate any more on the circumstances of Han’s death, leaving her cryptic statement about blame to bounce around my consciousness. Did Kylo somehow blame himself? Why? The curiosity ate at me. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

“We must celebrate. How long are you in Tokyo?” 

“Until the end of the week.” 

“Dinner Thursday, then? And you must bring the girl, of course. I failed to entertain her adequately the other night, I fear. I must rectify this situation. Show her a good time. Especially since you don’t intend to.” He smiled wickedly at me and I wrestled with the impulse to shove his head under the scalding water and hold it there. Remembering what Rey had said, I did my best not to give him the satisfaction of a reaction, pretending not to understand his implication. 

“Of course.” He watched me closely, calculating. 

“Have you plans for this evening?” 

I hesitated, not wanting to have to spend any more time with the man so soon. “We intended to visit Senso-ji.” 

“Of course. For the festival. You must see this. But also I will give you tickets to the theatre. I have an engagement tonight and will not be able to attend.” 

“I am grateful for this courtesy, Ketsu-san.” Whatever I had to say to wrap this up and get back to Rey. My blood was boiling in more than one way, none of which had to do with the heat of the tub. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

We’d said goodbye to Maz after a delicious feast of sushi and tempura. I had to admit, there was something to the whole onsen thing; I felt like a million bucks. Our agenda for the evening had shifted, and instead of the festival, we were going to see a traditional Japanese Noh play. I had no idea what to expect, seeing as how I was hopelessly uncultured, but I was relieved to be spared having to do much walking - I was too relaxed and lazy after all the food and hot-tubbing. Taking a car to the theatre and then sitting for a few hours sounded like just the thing right now. 

We got dressed up again, Kylo in one of his ubiquitous black suits, of which he had apparently brought a closet full. Running out of options, I was back in the outfit I’d worn to the party. It felt like a lifetime ago. I was in the bathroom with the door open, brushing my hair, when his voice came from the living room. 

“Did I ever tell you how stunning you look in that?” 

“No.” 

“Okay, just checking.” 

“....Were you planning to?” he didn’t respond. _Seriously_? 

“What did you and Maz talk about today?” 

“You, mostly.” I answered honestly. _If you want to play games, let’s go._

“What did she say about me?” There was an edge to his tone now. If I had been one of those people who was afraid of him, I’d have called it dangerous. 

“That you aren’t happy. That your father’s death wasn’t your fault.” We’ll just forget to mention the part about needing love and never getting quite enough of it. 

“She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” 

“So was it?” 

“My fault?” 

“Yeah.” He had sat on the couch. I put down the brush and joined him there. 

“I didn’t kill him on _purpose_ , if that’s what you’re asking.” 

“It’s not. I know you didn’t. I mean, yeah you have anger issues, but...I don’t think you would do that.” 

“That doesn’t make it not my fault. The fact that it wasn’t on purpose, I mean.” 

“What happened? If you don’t mind me asking.” He took a deep breath. I wasn’t sure that he would answer me, was almost expecting him to lash out. At last, he spoke quietly, looking at the floor. 

“We were on a climbing trip in the alps. It was just after I’d graduated, and my father and uncle had this idea that we should do some male bonding. It was probably all my uncle, honestly. It wasn’t the sort of thing that would have occurred to my dad. Anyway, things were already pretty fraught between us by then, especially with my uncle. We never really got along. He’s a sanctimonious fuckwit. Anyway, we were camped up on this ledge, and he and I got into it. He said something that pissed me off, and I tried to fight him, and my father got between us. I’m not even sure anymore - I think I hit him - and...he fell. Landed on a lower ledge, but he was hurt, and by the time we got to help, it was too late.” 

“That’s terrible. Thank you for telling me. I’m….so sorry.” 

“It’s for the best. You should probably know what you’re dealing with.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“That I really am a monster. Everyone says it because it's true. You can polish me up with your PR magic all you want, but there’s always going to be something rotten at the core. You can’t put a positive spin on patricide.” 

“Bullshit,” I interjected. “You were a kid, you lost control of your emotions. You didn’t anticipate the consequences. No one blames you.” 

“That is objectively not true.” 

“Well, it isn’t your fault. And even if it was, at some point you have to stop punishing yourself. Would he want that?” Kylo shrugged. I reached out, cupping his face in my hand as I turned him to look at me. “Everyone makes mistakes. And everyone deserves a second chance. There’s good in you. I see it.” 

He looked at me, searching my face for confirmation that I really believed what I was saying. “I want that to be true,” he whispered, his voice low and a bit hoarse. “You make me want to be better.” 

_Wow. As declarations go, I’d take that over a compliment on my outfit any day._ Without a second thought, I closed the distance between us and kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope you are enjoying the story so far. the slow burn part is very nearly at an end, so we'll be taking a turn for the smutty and angsty soon. hope you're ready! please consider hittting a button or come say hi on tumblr - it makes me so happy to hear your thoughts!
> 
> next chapter: here we gooooooo! enjoy the double update!


	16. Tasting the Plum Blossom

The kiss only lasted a moment. It was soft, tender - almost chaste, considering the tension that often seemed to thicken the air between us. Gently, he pulled away, murmuring “I can’t.”

“Why not?” 

“You work for me. Or did you forget?”

“So, it’s not because you don’t like me?”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“So maybe I quit.” I said, trying to sound nonchalant.

“You can’t quit. I need you.” There was growing anger in his voice.

_Just not the way I want you to, apparently_. The phone rang then, as the front desk called to let us know our car had arrived. We made our way to the theatre in silence, neither of us willing to risk speaking lest we say the wrong thing. It felt like we were standing on the edge of a precipice - an unfortunate metaphor, considering the conversation we’d just had, but a true one. As much as part of me wanted to fall, another part was apprehensive. I hoped that the landing, wherever it was, would be soft.

The play was completely unintelligible. Traditional instruments I didn’t recognize played dissonant music while masked performers danced and sang (tonelessly, to my clueless ears) in elaborate costumes. For three hours. Unable to follow what was happening in the play, I watched Kylo instead. He seemed captivated, at first, and then genuinely moved. I liked reading his strong features, trying to guess what was happening from the subtle play of emotion across them. As the show progressed, our attempt to share the small armrest between our seats evolved in a surprising way. At first, our hands merely bumped up alongside one another, barely touching. By the end of the second act, however, our fingers were entwined and I was no longer paying any attention whatsoever to the stage. 

When the house lights came up, Kylo was surreptitiously wiping his eyes with his other hand. I expected him to let go of me, but he didn’t, and we continued that way, in silence, back to the car; where he directed the driver to take us as close as he could to the festival. “It’s still early,” he said to me by way of explanation. I didn’t need one. I was keyed up. I needed to move.

The streets leading up to the temple were all closed for blocks. We walked together down a broad avenue, lit in the evening dusk by hundreds of brightly colored lanterns, which hung from the fragrant flowering trees like overripe fruits. Everywhere, there were people. Students drank and picnicked in groups on blankets under the cherry trees. Families strolled together, following the whims of little ones as they rushed from food stand to puppet show, overwhelmed by all there was to see. “I’ve never seen anything like this,” I enthused.

“Beautiful,” he said, eyes on me.

“So...can you explain the play to me? Because I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t get it.” he smiled indulgently. _Probably glad for a chance to show off his superior knowledge._

“I’ll try. It probably loses something in the translation. The story is; a travelling monk stops to rest at a palace famous for its exceptionally beautiful plum tree. There, beneath the tree, the monk meets what appears to be a beautiful woman.”

“Appears to be?”

“Stay with me.The woman and the monk have a philosophical conversation about desire, and she reveals her true identity - she is the spirit of a butterfly. She longs more than anything to just once, taste the blossoms of the beautiful plum tree, but she never can.”

“Why not?” 

“Timing. They bloom only for a short time, and by the time she has transformed, it will have been too late.” The monk spends the night there, under the plum tree praying for the butterfly until he falls asleep and is visited by her in a dream. In the monk’s dream, the butterfly dances in Nirvana, having reached enlightenment thanks, in part, to his prayers. She is full of joy and released from the prison of her longing.”

“Oh. wow.” he nodded. After a moment I followed that up with “I think I like it better when you tell it to me.” My hand was still comfortably enveloped in his, and I gave it a little squeeze. “It’s kind of a bittersweet ending, isn’t it? She’s not suffering anymore, she’s free in the afterlife...right?” He nodded, looking serious. “....but...like, she still never got to taste the plum blossoms, so it’s still not fair.”

“Since when was life ever fair? You of all people should have been disabused of that notion a long time ago.”

“Well, I’m not going to give up try-” he cut me off with a searing kiss, bending down to me and holding my face in both of his hands. The depth of the kiss - the sheer intensity of it - took my breath away. Just not for very long. A moment later, I had recovered enough to pull back and ask; “What happened to ‘I can’t’? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining.”

“It kinda morphed into ‘I shouldn’t.’ Which I can work with. And - I don’t want to miss my chance.” He looked equal parts naughty and bashful then, a combination which I was powerless to resist. I grabbed his necktie, pulling his lips back to mine.  
“Gotta get those plums while they’re blooming.” He grinned, and I kissed that glowing smile again, again, again.

We couldn’t get back to the hotel fast enough. We fumbled with the keycard, stumbled through the door, made it as far as the couch. I was gasping for breath, in between kisses that were rapidly growing more and more intense. I had my hands is his hair god it was thick -

“You’re still not allowed to quit.” he said, as we tumbled down together. He’d lost the jacket.

I pushed him back onto the couch. “Well, fire me, then.” 

“You’re not serious.” I was straddling him, and geez he was massive and all the pins had come out of my hair at some point and his hands had found my ass and grabbed it, pressing me closer as I ground against what promised, even through the suiting, to be a spectacular cock.

“Well, what’s the alternative? We keep it a secret? Let the whole office think i’m climbing the corporate ladder with my pussy?” He was pressing kisses into my neck now, and my brain was starting to short-circuit. 

“Must be a very talented pussy,” he rumbled into my throat, chuckling. 

“Guess you’re about to find out,” I said raggedly, ripping loose his necktie as I returned to kissing him. He let out a little moan and repositioned us, momentarily breaking the contact between our bodies.

“You’re sure…. this is really...what you want?” he sounded disbelieving. 

“Well I’m not going to beg, if that’s what you’re after.” I said, bristling. He gently pushed me back so that I was against the arm of the sofa, kissing me until I’d softened again. 

“I don’t want you to beg.” he said, with quiet earnestness. “I want you to show me.”

“Show you…?” I murmured, breathlessly. 

“Show me. How to touch you. What you like.” His voice was husky, a little strained. He withdrew a little, onto the other side of the couch. “I like the first option, by the way. For now.”

“Oh.” I said stupidly, half wondering if people in other buildings could see us through the plate-glass window. I decided pretty quickly that I didn’t care. “Okay.” I stood, dropping the jumpsuit from off my shoulders to fall in a shimmery pile at my feet. I had already kicked off my shoes, and I’d foregone a bra because of the outfit’s plunging neckline. 

“You do, by the way.” I looked at him blankly, not understanding. “Look stunning. In and out of...whatever you call that thing.” He gestured to the puddle of recently discarded fabric. “Although, I gotta say - I think I like out better.” I returned to the couch, moving my hand down into the space between my legs which he had so recently occupied - if only superficially. Even that little bit of friction (and the kissing, to be sure) had me dripping already, I could tell. I moved aside the little scrap of lace that covered me, silently blessing Lando Calrissian for having forced me to buy new underwear even though I had complained that no one was going to see them. _He hadn’t anticipated this, had he?_ I certainly hadn’t. At the same time, it felt somehow inevitable, a paradox that I couldn’t be bothered to untangle right now.

_Okay, maybe inevitable was the wrong word._ At least for this part, where I was mostly naked and on display for all of Tokyo, masturbating while Kylo watched me with hungry eyes.I studied his face, so focused on me. I could see in his quiet diligence the studious, reserved boy he’d been - practicing calligraphy, and learning languages, throwing all his energy into learning as distraction, clutching at it the way a drowning person clutches at a life preserver. All that privilege, none of it making him even a tiny bit less lonely. I was lonely, too. I had been all my life, and my friendships with Finn and Poe had never really touched that ache, the one buried deep inside me. He did. He understood it; we were the same. That was why it felt like this. Not inevitable, maybe. Just…. _right._  


“You know, speaking of life not being fair…” I started, balancing on the arm of the couch, as my fingers wandered between the slick folds of my cunt, tracing circles around my clit.

“Were we?” he asked absently, distracted by his fascination with what I was doing.

“Mmm-hmm” I bit my lip as I noticed the way his trousers were tented as he leaned back, opposite me. “I can’t help but notice that you’re still fully dressed.”

“The nerve of me.”

“You should be ashamed of yourself.” 

“Oh, I am. So - I should take my clothes off.”

“Now you’re just fucking with me.”

“Unless - I have a better idea.” He bounced up then, and grabbing me, tossed me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. I squealed in surprise. He ran with me like that for the handful of steps to the bedroom and tossed me onto the bed, holding his large frame over mine with one arm while with his other hand ripped off my underpants and moved to replace my own hand between my legs. “Maybe _you_ should take _my_ clothes off.” He said huskily, as his careful fingers found my clit and rubbed, making me gasp. 

“I swear, I have to do everything around here.” I said breathlessly.

“I know. It’s hard for you.”

“God, I hope so.” he chuckled, and swiftly dipped a long finger deep inside me, shutting my mouth with a kiss that obliterated all sense. I ripped at his open collar, demolishing the buttons in my frenzy. He shook it off, impatient as I was for the warm press of skin against skin. A second finger pushed into me, slowly. He spread and stretched me, digits gently curling to rub against my inner walls while he kept making light, quick circles around my clit. My tongue in his mouth, his hand in my pussy, I teetered on the edge for just a moment longer.

Then I fell. As an orgasm crashed over me, I clung to him, digging my fingers into the meat of his muscular shoulder. Eventually, it subsided, and my ability to see straight returned, along with my sense of equity. So I pushed his hand away and flipped him over, onto his back. I straddled him a moment, kneeling upright over where he lay back against the pillows, mostly prone. “Are _you_ sure this is what _you_ want?” I asked, echoing his earlier question - stupidly, maybe, considering both his hand and the front of his trousers were currently soaked in my juices. 

He didn’t seem to think it was too late to ask. “I _will_ beg if I have to.” 

“Maybe later. Now, it’s your turn.” I unbuttoned his pants, peeled them and his boxer briefs away to reveal him. He groaned a little, as his cock sprang free and bobbed heavily and I removed the garments, tossing them aside. He was every bit as large as I’d imagined. No surprises there. And uncut, which I hadn’t anticipated. I watched as his hand - the one already covered with my slick - went to his cock, pulling back the extra skin to reveal the juicy head beneath, like an extra level of nakedness as he fisted the length with a few preparatory strokes. A flush crept across his face and chest and the veins on his neck stood out as he furrowed his brow, pumping roughly as he fucked into his hand. I kissed my way back up his thighs, his stomach, his chest, pushing his arms back until they were pinned at either side of him as I moved up his body. I lined us up, so that we rubbed up against one another deliciously. Under his breath, Kylo moaned.

“Please…..oh _fuck_. Please, Rey. _Please_.” I kissed him.

“Condoms?” 

He looked as though I’d thrown cold water on him. “ _Shit!_ Fuck, I don’t have...I didn’t think…. _fuck_!” He was past the point of being able to string together a coherent sentence. He looked desperate; positively crazed. I did some quick calculations. 

“We could maybe skip it. I mean, I have an IUD so….and it’s been a while. I know I don’t have anything.”  
“Me too. I mean, not the IUD. There hasn’t been - I haven’t - I don’t have anything.”

“Good. Okay. Great.”

With one hand I grabbed his cock, maneuvering our relative positions as I positioned him at my entrance. Slowly, I lowered myself down onto him, skewering myself by increments as I savored my body’s stretch around his girth. One of his hands freed itself to cover my breast, dwarfing it in comparison. He pinched my nipple, rolling it between his fingers almost roughly, in a way that went straight to my cunt. I bounced a little on his cock, seating him deeper and deeper inside myself until he was filling me; bottomed out with no place left to go. My hand fisted deep in his hair as I kissed his lips, his throat, his closed eyelids. The tip of my tongue traced patterns lightly across his skin - between his beauty marks, along the outer rim of his overlarge ear, while he held his breath. Once I had become accustomed to him, I began to move again, raising and lowering myself around that massive prick of his.

Still a bit boneless from the first orgasm, I tired quickly. When my movements slowed too much to satisfy either of us, he flipped me back over and nailed me into the mattress, pressing my arms above my head with one hand and with the other, lifting my hip at an angle as he fucked me - first with long, slow strokes and then progressively faster and harder until we both collapsed, shuddering. His black hair, damp with sweat, fell into my face, tickling me. I couldn’t have cared less. Despite his crushing weight on top of me, I had never felt more relaxed. 

“Rey?” came his voice, muffled due to the fact that his face was buried in my chest. 

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad I hired you, I mean...you know what I mean.” he mumbled, already well on his way to unconsciousness.

“Me too, Kylo.” I replied, patting his back affectionately.

“Rey?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Call me Ben.” 

“Okay.” I said sleepily, hot on his heels on the slide into oblivion. I fell asleep smiling, my lover’s name on my lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kocho (the butterfly) is a real noh play from the 16th century. 


	17. Eating Out (Who Has Never Tasted What Is Bitter Knows Not What Is Sweet)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to IvyOdessa, who sweetly OliverTwisted me into including "a little more smut before the inevitable angst."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING: This chapter is where the tags relating to child abuse enter into this story. Mention of this part of Ben's backstory will never get very explicit, but I feel it's a facet of the character's emotional truth that I can't ignore. Discussion of past abuse occurs perilously close to smut in this chapter, but I have done my best to handle it sensitively - I believe the juxtaposition makes sense, as our lovers' emotional intimacy grows alongside the physical. The mortifying ordeal of being known isn't always easy.

We woke in the early hours of the morning, our bodies still tangled together. There was no need for words. We moved together of one accord, like one creature. I had never known that it could be like this. I wondered if it ever could have been this way with anyone but her. I didn’t think so, somehow. Near her, touching her, inside her, felt like the right place to be. We fucked, slept, ordered room service. And then started all over again. 

“So….when did you first think this might happen?” Rey asked, trailing a lazy finger across my chest. We had barely left the bed all day. It was well past lunchtime. 

“When you kissed me.” 

“No, really.” She laughed throatily, gorgeous. “You gave me a _footrub_.” 

“You were swelling.” Her hand trailed lower as I said it, calling attention to what was doing the same, just below the border of the cotton sheet. I continued stoically. “When did you?” 

“Think this might happen?” 

“Mmm-hmm.” She was stroking me now, under the sheet, her fingers feather-light and gentle; maddeningly slow as they passed along the underside of my cock, over the head, and back. 

“First time I saw you.” she laughed. “I had this mortifying _'Oh no he’s hot'_ moment. And then you _grunted_ at me.” 

Embarrassed, I tried to deflect from the compliment. “I couldn’t talk! You had your finger in your mouth, and I was taken off guard, you looked so…” her long fingers tightened suddenly around me and she furrowed her brow at me in mock ferocity, daring me to say the wrong thing. I moved her hair back off of her shoulder, planted a kiss there. “You looked like something I had dreamed up. I wanted you from the first moment; I just never thought there was any chance.” 

She kissed me. “Good answer. You get to live.” 

“I could think of worse ways to die than this.” 

“It was the finger in the mouth that did it, huh?” She asked, pensively. 

My throat constricted, and when my voice came out it sounded hoarse and unfamiliar. She had begun moving down my torso, planting kisses as she went, tracing trails with her tongue like the ones she had lately traced with her fingers. All while those fingers began to methodically work my shaft. “The cheese puff people should pay you a stipend.” 

“You’re not advocating a career change, are you? You’d lose my valuable services.” The sheet was gone now, and she hovered between my legs, grinning wickedly at me. 

“Well, that won’t do at all. _Your_ services are **in** valuable.” She pulled back my foreskin, rasped her tongue broadly across the tip of my cock, wiping away a drop of precum, which disappeared behind her lips. 

“You just wait.” She said, in a tone that was full of promise. Flashing her perfect teeth, she bobbed suddenly and took me into her mouth, much deeper than I think either one of us had anticipated. I took in a deep breath and nearly spent myself as I nudged the back of her throat, but managed not to. She gagged and choked a little, tried to cover by spitting on my dick, which she proceeded to tug at a little too furiously for how sensitive and tender I already was. 

I sat up, leaned forward to kiss her deeply, exploring her mouth with my tongue the way she’d shown me. I wouldn’t have guessed it, but the taste of my own cock on her tongue was profoundly erotic. I moved her back up the bed, to lay prone as I had been and mimicked her procession of kisses down my body with one of my own, starting at her lightly freckled tits, which were as light and smooth as dollops of whipped cream. When I tongued them, her puffy pink nipples hardened and pebbled at my touch, the cherries on the sundae. 

When I had progressed from ticklish ribs to flat stomach and made for myself a space between her legs, I spread them wide, opening her in front of me. She looked at me placidly, looking at her. She made no effort to shy away from my exploratory gaze. I pushed my fingers between her folds, spread the moisture that was welling around the lips of her pussy. I started to lick, first with broad, almost rough strokes, then more rapid and precise. When my explorations revealed the hooded nub that made her shiver and squeal, I paid it special attention, gently nibbling and sucking it until her legs and tits were shaking. As she moaned and arched her back, I pinned her thighs down to the bed, splayed wide, and ate her sweet cunt until she screamed my name. 

The real one. What had gotten into me? I had made a choice a long time ago - to kill Ben Solo and with him, all that he had been. My parents son, Snoke’s plaything - something pathetic, pitiable. That part of me was dead - or he was supposed to be, anyway. So why was he coming back to life here, of all places? What was it about her? Since Rey had come into my life, somehow vulnerability no longer seemed like the worst that could happen. 

“Wow.” Rey said, rolling over onto her side as I lay back beside her. “You are really good at that..” 

“Really? 

“Yeah, how’d you learn how to do that?” 

I laughed. “Uhhh.. I _may_ have been given some wildly age-inappropriate advice by my dad and his best friend once, when they were drinking.” 

“And it just stuck with you.” 

“Traumatizing things have a way of doing that.” I said it lightly, as a joke. Whatever trauma I had, I didn’t lay it at my father’s door. “You know, I’m a little relieved. I guess I was kinda worried, what with it being the first time…” _Why did you say that? Shut your mouth, idiot._

She didn’t notice. “I guess most couples take a little while to like, find a rhythm….” she mused. Then: “Wait a minute, you didn’t say **our** first time, you said **the** first time.” 

_Fuck, she’s too smart, she’s caught you out. Now it’s going to be a thing. Cover! Cover!_ “Did I?” _There, that wasn’t too bad, you sounded pretty nonchalant. Maybe she’ll drop it._  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  


“Ben,” I probed, trying to get him to look at me. He had suddenly become very interested in the room service cart - suspicious since it was pretty well picked-over by this point. “Was that...the first time you’ve done that?” He kept his back to me, refusing to let me see his face. My sudden hunch deepened. 

“What?” 

“Been with a woman.” 

“Technically, no.” 

“Technically?” 

“Well, I’m pretty sure that was the third time. You know, with last night and...” I blinked at him, stupefied. 

“ _How_? It can’t have been a lack of options, right? I mean, look at you. So -” 

He cut me off, a little sharply now. He had abandoned his pretense of interest in the cart, and was pulling on his basketball shorts. “It’s not a huge deal.” 

“But you’re so...” I struggled for the right word. _Gorgeous. Hot. “ **Old**_.” 

“I’m thirty-one!” I looked at him. “Well, it’s not _unheard_ of.” 

“But…” 

“What do you want me to say, Rey? I have trust issues.” 

“Trust issues, family issues, anger issues….anyone ever tell you you have a lot of issues?” 

“ _No_ , you’re _definitely_ the first person ever to tell me that.” Ben said sardonically. I’d been teasing a little of course, but his reaction told me I’d hit close to a nerve, and to be careful. Unfortunately, ‘careful’ wasn’t really in my skillset. 

“Seriously though, you ever think about going to see a shrink?” 

Without a look or a word, he stalked out of the room. _Looks like the honeymoon is over_. I threw on some clothes and followed him out of the bedroom. 

When I found him a couple of minutes later, Ben was standing in front of the windows in a military stance, with his arms folded protectively over his wide torso. He was frowning down at the street and seemed lost in thought. 

“There’s no shame in it, you know. I mean, _I’d_ go to one if I could afford it. Maybe they could help.” He didn’t respond. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it.” Again, silence for a long beat. Then, finally; 

“I know.” He didn’t speak again for what seemed a very long time, but probably wasn’t, as I waited to see if he’d say anymore. Eventually, he did. “I’ve been. To a shrink. It pretty much did the opposite of help.” There was a bitterness in his tone I hadn’t heard before. “Maybe you’ll recognize the name, and then you can spare me the fucking interrogation. Dr. Richard Snoke. Ring any bells?” 

It did. _Fuck_. I was an _asshole_. Why hadn’t I just left well enough alone? We’d been having such a good time before - why had I ruined it? I’d trawled him for information like I was dragging a lakebed for a missing person. Of course I was going to turn up something better left deep in the sediment. 

Dr. Richard Snoke had at one time been a leader in the field of child psychology. Or at least, one of its most visible practitioners - he was the sort of “expert” who frequently turned up on talk shows and the like, and had published a handful of popular books on child behavior; specifically, managing difficult children. Among his patients he had numbered the children of senators, sports stars, and other elites. So when a dozen or so of them had banded together to expose him as a predator, it had been a _huge_ scandal. 

I could remember clearly how the trial had dominated the news my sophomore year of high school. Snoke had gone rapidly from a semi-beloved public figure to an absolute pariah once the details surfaced of what he had done to those kids - his program of psychological conditioning, emotional manipulation, and sexual abuse had been even more insidious and cruel when you both considered his specialized knowledge of his victims and the duty of care which he’d violated for his own sick satisfaction. Everyone had had an opinion: mine at the time had been that he deserved to be burned at the stake. Now, I wanted to light the fire myself. 

I approached Ben slowly, giving him plenty of time to move away. He didn’t move, but stayed there as if frozen, forehead pressed against the glass as he stared off into the middle distance. I hugged him from behind, wrapping my arms around his waist and planting my face between his shoulder blades. We stood that way for a long while, and then he sighed and I felt the tension leave his body a little. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed you. I had no right.” I was kicking myself for my stupidity. 

“You had no way of knowing,” he generously conceded. ‘“It was a long time ago. After the divorce - when my dad left and I started acting out, my mother sent me to him. And then later, when I tried to tell her what was happening to me….” 

“She shipped you off to boarding school.” I finished for him, as the pieces fell into place. 

He nodded. “Swept me under the rug like a dirty little secret and never said another word about it.”  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  


She looked like she was doing the math: “So this had to have been...years before he went to trial, right?" I nodded. _Who knows how many others there had been in the interim; how many "apprentices" he'd had after I'd escaped his clutches and before anyone had the courage to expose him._

“I was in Kabul when I heard. Damn near went AWOL and came home with every intention of killing the bastard. By the time I’d gotten things in order it was over, and he’d been convicted.” The shortest trial of its kind on record. The evidence had been overwhelming. A true man of science, Snoke had meticulously documented everything with copious notes and the most damning of photographs. And then, less than two months into his sentence, he’d been shanked by another prisoner. Stabbed, from what I’d heard, upwards of seventy times, with a knife made from a broom handle. It felt enough like justice; it wasn’t that I needed closure - I just wished sometimes that I could have seen the look of surprise on his face when the first blow had hit. 

“So you stayed.” 

“Until they discharged me, and then I started over. On my own.” It was a point of some pride that I’d put myself through school. Not that I was sure that Leia would have footed the bill at that point, even if I’d asked. 

Rey’s thin arms were wrapped around my midsection, squeezing me with surprising strength. I hadn’t wanted to say this much. I’d have much preferred to stay mysterious. You couldn’t pity a mystery, didn’t need to. You couldn’t see the weakness in a mystery. That was part of the appeal. I didn’t want to look at her, afraid of what I would see when I looked in her eyes. This was a litmus test, I supposed. Did she _really_ want to get to know me, or would she run in the other direction now that she knew how much baggage I carried? I had one spark of hope, and one only - the fact that, given what she’d told me of her past, she wasn’t exactly traveling light either. When I finally turned to face her, the spark blazed up at what I saw. 

Rey’s brow and full mouth were set with what looked like determination, and though her eyes looked a little wet, there was not a trace of pity anywhere in them. I searched them as she loosened her grip on me and reached up to stroke my face. I bent down to her, responding to her unspoken request until our faces were very near one another. 

“Thank you,” she whispered in a small voice. “For trusting me.” Very deliberately, giving me time to pull away if I so chose, she kissed me with a mingled sweetness and passion that made me feel as if an enormous weight was being lifted off of me. She wrapped her arms around my neck, and I lifted her off the floor. By the time we broke apart, she had twined her legs around my waist as well, and clung to me like an overgrown sloth. I felt a rumble from the area where our abdomens were pressed together and couldn’t tell if it originated from her body or my own. “Do you want to get out of here for a while? We could go get something to eat,” I suggested. Rey, unsurprisingly, thought that was an excellent idea. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I look forward to hearing from you! Stay safe out there.


	18. Ask Not For Whom The Shoe Drops.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey wrestles with an ethical dilemna , gets plot twisted, and has shower sex. Not necessarily in that order.

“So how did it go at the onsen?” We were walking through the festival again, determined to make it to the famous temple this time. 

“That wasn’t an onsen, actually. It was a sento, the difference being that onsens are fed by natural mineral springs and sentos just use the city tap water.” 

“Show-off.” 

“It’s not showing off, Rey. words mean things.” Ben turned to a woman who was passing us just then. She was walking a shiba inu dog. “That’s a magnificent hippopotamus you have there, ma’am!” She looked at Ben with something between disgust and alarm and hurried to get out of his way. I howled with laughter. 

“Oh my god, you’re so stupid. Did you see her _face_? Do you think she understood you?” 

“More likely than not. A lot of people learn English in school here. You get my point, though.” 

“If your point was that you’re a vocabulary facsist,” I teased. 

“Wow. Really.” 

“You never answered my question, though! What happened with Ketsu?” 

“Well, I didn’t kill him.” 

“That good, huh?” 

“No, it went well. We came to an agreement. He wants to see us again tonight. To celebrate.” 

“That’s great! Right? Where do you think he’ll take us?” 

“I shudder to think. But we’re just going to meet him at the bar at our hotel.” 

“So... I guess congratulations are in order.” 

“Did I win a prize?” 

“I’ll tell you later.” 

We had arrived at the temple. Senso-ji was a beautiful piece of ancient architecture - the oldest temple in Tokyo. “It’s dedicated to your patron saint,” Ben said quietly, leaning in close behind me as I wondered at it.” 

“Huh?” I responded eloquently. 

“The bodhisattva of compassion.” His eyes were as soft as his cashmere sweater. Softer, even. 

I faltered. “What’s a ...bo..dies...vatta?” 

“Hatva. Not sure about a real direct translation. I think Kerouac said it meant ‘great wise angel’” 

I laughed. “That’s me, all right.” But as we walked together in a companionable quiet, enjoying the beauty of the place, a worry began gnawing at me the way a mouse does a bag of dog food. _Just enjoy this_ , I told myself. _You can sort it out when you get home_. 

So I did my best to drown out the nibbling thoughts at the back of my mind that said that Ben was putting me on a pedestal - one I had no business being on. We shopped - for clothes, where he bought a watch that cost more than my car as though it were nothing. For lingerie, which was actually the first time I think I ever had _fun_ shopping. For snack foods, of which I bought so many that the store’s clerks laughed at me. We ate _life-changing_ noodles, drank warm sake with the Ohnaka Data guys at the bar, and maybe didn’t _quite_ keep it professional. Everyone seemed to have a great time and parted on excellent terms, Ketsu promising to send his American agent to look in on our progress with the project. We spent the remainder of our time getting lost in the city and one another. 

But nothing quite worked, and the mouse kept nibbling at me. I was hopelessly gone on Ben; totally dismantled by the potent cocktail of strength and vulnerability he’d shown me. He had made the extraordinary step of trusting me. It was undeniable; completely obvious how big a deal it was that he had let me in the way he had. And I wasn’t worthy of it. 

_You haven’t actually done any espionage_. I told myself. It only made me feel a little better. I hadn’t outright lied to him about anything. But our entire knowing each other was based on my being someone I wasn’t. 

_But so what: he thinks you’ve got a degree, you’ve done something with yourself, you’re not utterly worthless - where’s the harm? Does he even need to know? Supposing you just quit, tell Leia you want out - what would you say to her? What if you just asked him? Told him everything and trusted him to understand?_

Deep down in the center of my whirling thoughts, I knew which course of action was the right one. I’d tell him the whole story and he’d get it once I’d explained everything. It would be fine. I’d tell him. I would. Soon. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

The trip was over too soon, and we were flying home, having loaded the plane with many more bags than we had brought with us to Tokyo. Most of them were full of processed snack foods, which Rey had bought with the abandon of a literal kid in a candy store. She was nibbling on pocky, legs draped across mine. 

“So when we get back…?” I left the question open, waiting to see what she’d say. 

“You said you wanted to keep this - ” she waved at the space between us - “quiet, right? I figured that meant business as usual, but maybe sometimes if I’m good you lock your office door and bend me over your desk.” 

“What do I do if you’re bad?” 

“I’m sure you’ll come up with something.” 

“I was actually thinking about outside of office hours. I mean, I’d like to see you. You don’t have to, I’ll understand if you don’t, I know you haven’t been home in a while. It’s just - I have a big apartment. You’re welcome to stay over. If you’d like.” 

_Please say yes_ , I thought at her as though I could influence her somehow with the power of my mind. Maybe I was imagining it, but I thought I had picked up on just a hint of distance in her manner over the last couple of days - ever since we’d had the big talk. Was she having reservations about me? Going back to normal life meant popping the insular little bubble of twoness that had formed around us. I wanted to keep it, if only for just a little while longer. 

“Yeah, okay.” 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

When we landed, I texted Finn. _I’m back in town but not coming home just yet_. I’m okay, don’t worry. Miss you. 

He responded with an assortment of googly eye 👀👀👀and eggplant🍆🍆🍆 emojis, then: _Lots to catch up on. Miss you too._

Ben hadn’t been kidding. His apartment was big. And gorgeous, in a penthouse atop a hundred and fifty year old converted warehouse. It was all high ceilings, exposed brick, and iron. A fortune to heat, almost certainly. It was sparsely decorated in streamlined, colorless modern furniture, and painfully tidy. 

“Did you ever hear of houseplants?” 

“I’ve heard of them, I just don’t see the point of bringing the outdoors...in. Plants are for outside. Animals, too; so don’t get any ideas.” 

“Are you serious right now? Oh my god. Don’t see the -” I sighed. “We are getting you a plant. Nope!” I cut him off before he could protest. “It’ll bring some life into the room, and they clean the air. It looks like an airport in here.” 

“Has anyone ever told you you’re a terrible houseguest?” I stuck my tongue out at him. He led the way to the bedroom, threw our bags down. 

“Mind if I take a shower?” 

“Bathroom’s over there. Mind if I join you?” 

“Is it big enough?” I meant the bathroom, but Ben doubled my entendre, 

“You tell me.” he said, his voice full of innuendo. 

The bathroom was enormous. Bigger than my whole apartment, practically. It included a marble tub and shower. Separately. Each of these was large enough that you could probably fit an entire football team into it, providing the parties involved didn’t mind getting a little snuggly. 

It wasn’t very long before he was pounding me up against that marble, our bodies a slippery tangle under the hot spray, dissolving into liquid as we came. 

"It is," I panted. "It is big enough. Definitely." 

And not long after that, he had whisked me off to Canto Bites; the trendiest Italian/tapas fusion restaurant in town, with my hair still damp and my nerves jangling. _I’m gonna tell him. Now’s the perfect time. Just do it._ We had just gotten our desert, which was flan topped with an orange reduction. I opened my mouth to speak. Just then, Ben’s eyes flickered to somewhere just beyond my shoulder, and his whole expression transformed in an instant. Muscles in his jaw tightened and his nostrils flared subtly. But before I could turn to look at the source of this change in him, a familiar voice sounded behind me like honey-coated gravel. 

“Fancy seeing you here. You look well. I saw you on the news.” I turned to look, in case my ears were playing tricks on me. It’s a good thing, because then Ben didn’t see my face when he replied to the woman who was, most definitely Leia Organa. 

“Hello, Mother.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who's reading and engaging! I hope you're having as much fun as I am. <333


	19. Murphy's Law

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong."

_Mother_. 

That’s what he’d called her. I couldn’t believe it - my first impulse was to completely reject it. No way. But there was no denying the intensity of Ben’s response to seeing her either; I was getting to know him too well to ignore the obvious signs that he was extremely tense despite his relative outward composure 

But if it were true - then that would mean that Leia, who I liked and respected, who I’d looked up to as a sort of hero, who was the closest thing I’d ever had to a mother - wasn’t who I’d thought she was. 

She’d lied to me. If not outright, then by admission. _Why_? 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

“Check, please!” I hailed a passing waiter. He nodded and continued on his way. 

“But we didn’t eat our flan-” protested Rey. 

“And boxes!” I called after him, too loudly. Half of the patrons seated around us turned to look at me disapprovingly. 

“You’ll be glad you took it, it’s delicious.” My mother was acting as if everything was perfectly normal and we were on excellent terms. If she felt any awkwardness or hesitation, she covered it perfectly. She had always been unflappable; a natural politician. The only person who could ever truly ruffled her feathers had been my dad. “Are you going to introduce me to your friend?” 

“Rey, this is my mother, Leia. Mother, this is Rey.” The check came and I all but threw my card at the waiter, desperate to end this. 

“Lovely to meet you, dear.” She laid a hand on Rey’s arm. Rey, who had been carefully packing the flan in boxes. Clearly uncomfortable, she fumbled and recovered one before squeaking out a noise that was vaguely affirmative. “I wonder what’s keeping your uncle, I’m sure he’d like to say hello.” 

“Pity. You’ll have to give him my...regards.” The words were polite, but the tone said “tell him to fuck off for me”. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough, but I guess I was in too much of a rush. We were barely out the door before Rey needed to go back in for the flan, which she’d forgotten. 

“Go on, I’ll meet you at the car.” She kissed my cheek quickly on tiptoe, then bolted before I could say a word. 

_It could have gone worse_ , I told myself. _At least you didn’t make a scene and scare Rey off. Yet. Five minutes with Luke would probably do that. Good thing you managed to avoid him._

The words had no sooner passed through my consciousness than I heard his voice and the slapping of his shoes against the sidewalk as he ran after me. “Ben!” 

“How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that, old man? You’re out of shape. Listen to you, you sound like a rhinoceros.” It was true, he was huffing and blowing mightily after only a block or so. 

“Hey, I just had a big meal. I was having a smoke in the alley and I saw you go by, and I thought, “Look at that stomp! I’d know that stride anywhere.” He gestured vaguely at me with a still-lit joint. 

“I can’t believe my mother still takes you out in public.” 

“She only does it because she thinks it’s good for me. Doesn’t want me to get too out of touch. You know I just kind of fold in on myself when I’m left to my own devices too long.” 

“It’s very altruistic of her. Was there a point to you running me down...or…?” 

“I just wanted to say...she misses you. You should call her.” 

“She knows where to find me if she has anything to say.” 

“Look, kid.” Luke said with a sigh. “You know I think the world of your mom. I’d do anything for her. But you know as well as I do that if she has one major character flaw, it’s pride. It may be unrealistic to expect her to make the first move.” 

“Anything else?” I asked, hoping there wasn’t. 

“That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to, that it wouldn’t be worth trying to patch it up.” 

“I’m not the one that broke it.” I turned on my heel and hauled ass away from him. The fat bastard didn’t try to pursue me this time, I saw when I chanced a look back over my shoulder. He just stood there, looking paunchy and disappointed as he receded into the distance. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

I grabbed Leia by the arm and steered her towards the bathroom. “We need to talk,” I hissed. Not a flutter of disturbance showed on her face. 

When we were alone in front of a row of shiny sinks, I laid into her. “ _HOW_? How could you not have _told_ me that he was your _SON_? How did I not know that you even _had_ a son? Or a husband? I’ve worked for you for over a year - why don’t I know _anything_ about you?” 

“If I had told you, what would you have said?” 

“That this is way too complicated, and it’s family stuff, and I don’t want to be involved!” 

“Which is why I didn’t tell you, Rey. I knew you would say no, and...I needed to know. How,... and _what_ he’s doing. And I needed someone I could trust.” 

“Not telling me anything doesn’t exactly scream “I trust you.” 

“Well I wasn’t wrong in either assessment. Things seem to be going well; I was watching you over dinner. You seem….close. I’ll be honest, I didn’t exactly anticipate your methods.” She said that last bit wryly, cocking an eyebrow. I bristled. 

“It isn’t like that. And I’m not spying on him anymore. I won’t. I’m going to tell him the truth, and then I’ll just ask him about the land, and be done with it. If you want to fire me, fine.” 

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous. I’m not going to fire you, Rey. Just - do me a favor. Don’t tell him just yet.” 

“You have got to be kidding me.” 

“Please. Rey. Just stay close and keep your ears and eyes open. Just for a while - I can’t explain it, but I have a bad feeling. I've had it for months now; like he’s headed for trouble. I don’t know what he’s told you about me, but I do care very much what becomes of him.” I looked at her hard. She seemed sincere, but of course she did. Her earnest manner was what made her so well liked and effective at her job, convincing the wealthy and influential to support environmental causes and activist projects. Could I trust her? That was a different question, given the recent evidence to the contrary. And how long was “a while”? The idea of dragging out the lie any longer made me sick to my stomach. 

But Leia kept looking at me with concerned mom eyes, and the selfish voice inside my head that was afraid of it all going wrong as soon as Ben knew the truth rejoiced as I caved. 

“Fine. But this conversation isn’t over.” 

“Agreed. But Rey?” she stopped me halfway out the door. I paused, saying nothing. “I can’t remember the last time I saw him look so happy.” 

Somehow, that comment didn’t make me feel any better. 

When I got back to the car, Ben took one look at me and asked, “So...where’s the flan?” 

_Shit. Think fast!_ “Flan?” _Faster than that, idiot!_

“The flan. That you went back for?” 

“Oh. Right. That flan. Cleared it. It was gone already.” 

“Took you forever - what’d you do, go look for it in the dumpster?” 

“That wasn’t necessary.” 

“Sorry. I just needed to get out of there..” 

“Okay.” 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

“I have something to show you. Up for a little drive?” We’d sat for a couple of minutes in silence. Rey seemed distant, but looking out the window, she nodded. I had turned on the radio in an attempt to lift the atmosphere in the car, which seemed heavy, like the fog that drifted in sometimes off the bay and swamped the lower stories of my building. It didn’t help; the music felt jarring, intrusive. I turned it back off. “I was thinking.” She turned to look at me, a little furrow in her brow. “About your idea. The green initiative?” 

“Yeah?” her tone was cautiously optimistic. 

“I had a knee-jerk reaction that was...personal. I realize that now. And I shouldn’t have been so quick to dismiss it. You. Your ideas are usually good ones, so...I should trust that more. I’m ready to listen. 

I guess I hadn’t anticipated just how many ideas Rey had along this line, because she immediately kicked off a litany of suggestions that I soon lost track of. I found myself wishing I’d broached the subject somewhere else, because I needed some visual aids or something. We were going to have to revisit this later. We’d arrived. 

As I pulled down a long and narrow wooded drive and parked, Rey peered out her window at the foliage. “Where are we?” 

“This is where we’re going to build the server farm for the Ohnaka project. C’mon, you’ve got to see this. We left the car and started the steep walk up the densely wooded hill. 

“The middle of the forest seems like a weird place to build. Isn’t there like an empty K-Mart or something you can repurpose?” 

“The woods are just what we have to go through to get where we’re going. Don’t worry, we’re almost there.” I slowed a little to let her catch up. I was ready with a hand out to help her, but she was taking the climb in stride - she just couldn’t quite match mine. 

About two-thirds of the way up the hill, the trees stopped and we could see where we were. The hilltop was rocky, sparsely covered with moss and occasional thick tufts of hardy grasses. One side fell away in a cliff face that was not sheer, but rather leveled in a way that naturally suggested steps. I wondered if she would be able to see, as I could, the great potential of the place. Would she be excited? 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

At the end of a short hike through some beautiful scenery, we came out at the top of a cliff that overlooked the shimmering grey expanse of the bay. 

“We need to start interviewing architects now that the funding has come through. I thought maybe you’d want to help with that. We could get someone known for eco-conscious design, or whatever. See, I was thinking we’d build into the cliff face -” he waved at the spot he meant, where an overhang sheltered the pebbled coast below. “-so that at least part of the building is actually suspended over the water. It’s supposed to be very cost- and energy efficient.” 

He sounded so proud of himself. He was clearly trying _so hard_. I loved him so much for it. 

The sun was setting, and the sky was shot through with pink and gold. It gave a lavender cast to the water and made the beautiful planes of Ben’s hopeful face seem to glow as he looked at me. I smiled at him and took his hand, even as inside my heart had sunk to somewhere around my ankles. I didn’t trust myself to say anything. 

My deepest fears and worst suspicions were confirmed a moment later, when a plump bird with big eyes and a ridiculously small beak landed in front of us and chirruped, ruffling its feathers before fluttering awkwardly away down the cliffs. 

You guessed it. A western wax-billed porg. _Because of course it was._


	20. The Fixer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](https://imgur.com/z9rFFPH)  
> 

We went back to the office the next morning, Ben insisting on a cloak-and-dagger entry. As we pulled into the parking lot, he threw a heavy blanket over me, hissing “Get down!” There was something a little humiliating about it; as though he was ashamed of me, but I understood his reasoning. I didn’t exactly envision a future career at First Order, nor did I particularly care about what most of the other employees thought of me, but I also didn’t want to be the subject of scrutiny. No avoiding that if word got out I was having an affair with the boss.

Ben’s whisper cut through the layer of wool and interrupted my musings. “Hux is right outside. Wait until five minutes after I close the door to come in, okay?” I heard the latch as the driver’s side swung open. “So, you managed to survive the week without me?” I could just about picture his condescending expression as he sniffed, 

“Oh, has it been a week already? I hadn’t noticed. Well. You know what they say.” 

“The one about time flying, or the one about what happens when the cat’s away?” 

The door clicked shut and their voices receded into the distance as Ben led Hux away into the building. I waited for a few minutes before slowly uncovering myself to peek through the tinted windows of the car. No one else in sight. I hurried inside, smoothing my hair in the hopes that it hadn’t been too badly disturbed by the blanket. 

By the time I got upstairs, there was a meeting already in progress in the conference room. ”You’re late, Ms, Foster.” said Ben, looking at me with a scowl that almost covered the twinkle in his eye. “I hope you understand that your inclusion on the trip to Japan does not mean you aren’t subject to the same expectations as everyone else here.” _The little shit._ I could feel my face burning as the rest of the room looked at me as I slunk to my seat - Phasma smugly, Hux seemingly outraged on my behalf as he narrowed his already beady eyes at Ben, and most of the rest with some degree of sympathy. 

There was one face I didn’t recognize as I muttered “Yes, sir.” and sat, planning all the ways I was going to make him pay for this later. The new guy was a gruff-looking dark haired man in his mid-forties, who Ben referred to simply as DJ when addressing him. If he’d been introduced more fully, I had missed it. 

It turned out that he was the American agent that Ketsu Ohnaka had promised to send to supervise the project. I couldn’t have been more surprised if you’d told me he was from Mars. While Ohnaka’s other associates had shared a certain crisp elegance and uniformity of style, something about DJ was….off. Though he was dressed in a suit not dissimilar to that of every other man in the room, he gave off an appearance of being disheveled, almost louche. He was difficult to understand - he mumbled and stuttered when asked his opinion, raking his hand through a thick head of dark hair and rubbing it over a chin so stubbled with silver and black growth that it made a rough sound. While most of the room focused on what was being said and presented, he looked around with sharp eyes which landed all too often on me. Something indefinable about him creeped me out. 

Soon enough it was over. As I was on my way out the door I heard Ben’s voice behind me: “Rey, I need to see you in my office in ten minutes.” I left without acknowledging I’d heard him.

When I came to his office door twelve minutes later, he wasn’t alone. I could hear muted male voices in hushed conversation, but they stopped abruptly when I knocked. The door opened and DJ emerged, smirking at me as he passed. “Looks like somebody’s in t-t-trouble.” he said insinuatingly. I slammed the door behind him.

“I hope you’re proud of yourself.” I said, as he smiled at me in an utterly disarming way, coming around the desk. He put his hands at my waist and his face in my neck. “Scolding me like that. How dare you-- oh!” He mouthed a spot near my pulse point and my toes curled. “--when you’re the one that made me late!” He grabbed my ass, grinding me up against him, and all of a sudden we were tumbling to the couch, pawing at one another. I ended up on top, sitting astride him as he sprawled, long legs splayed out to accomodate a raging hardon. I kissed him long and sweet, climbed off, and stood up, adjusting my clothes and hair. He whimpered with need, palming himself through his trousers. 

“Please?” he pouted at me. It was really hard to resist, but I stuck to my guns. 

“Nope. This is what you get,” I told him playfully. “Suffer.” he groaned a little.

“If I said I was sorry, would you come back over here and finish what you started?” He looked pointedly at (the very roomy) tent he was pitching. 

“What _I_ started? Not a chance. And I’m going out for lunch. And taking your car.” I lifted the keys from their tray on a nearby table.

“You’re hot when you’re mean.” I stuck my tongue out at him over my shoulder as I turned the doorknob. “Close the door?” He sounded a little desperate. I looked back at him. “On your way out? I uh...need a minute.” I decided to be merciful. 

I worked on compiling a brief about the porgs - what they were, why they were in danger, their peculiar needs. The goal was two-fold: first, to convince Ben to set up the server farm elsewhere, regardless of what other plans he and Ohnaka had made regarding the site. Secondly, in the event that I wasn’t successful, I hoped to be able to communicate to whatever architect we hired the delicacy of the situation. Maybe construction could happen in such a way as to have minimal impact on the surrounding wildlife? It was a long shot, but I didn’t know what else I could do.

At lunch, I took the car, true to my word. Most First Order employees ate in the lounge - because why wouldn’t they? - so I wasn’t too worried about being seen. Once I’d moved the seat forward about a foot and a half, it was a pleasure to drive. Purring like a kitten, it smoothly accelerated around the twists of the road as I made a beeline for Leia’s office. 

She was there, just as I’d supposed she would be. She usually ate in her office, often no more than a handful of nuts or an energy bar as she worked through lunch, drafting letters and making calls. Finn was off running an errand, so I burst in unannounced. Leia set down her coffee and acknowledged me without surprise. 

“Rey.”

“Leia.”

“I assume you’re here to talk about my son.”

I took a deep breath and launched into it. “I don’t want to have to lie to him, Leia. I love him. _Tell me it’s for a good reason_.”

“I did tell you. I’m worried about him.”

“Why now?” I practically shouted it at her. I couldn’t help myself. I tried again, willing myself to be calm. The more I looked at her placid, kind face, the angrier I got. Who was she to be worried about him - so late in the game, and after having failed him so badly when he most needed her? 

“Sit down, Rey.” the older woman said wearily. I sat. She stayed silent, contemplating her knobby, age-spotted hands on the desk in front of her for what seemed like a long time. Finally, she spoke. “How much did he tell you?”

“Everything. He told me everything. You abandoned him - _your own child_ \- at the worst time of his life. He needed you, and you cut him off. So why should I let you use me to interfere in his life now that he’s made it on his own? Maybe you don’t _get_ to be worried about him anymore.”

And then something unexpected happened. Leia Organa, who I’d never seen show any emotion stronger than annoyance, who carried herself with an upright pride and rigidity that made some who’d dealt with her in the past nickname her both “the princess” and “the general”, broke down in silent tears. We sat like that for a minute more, and when she’d collected herself, she responded. 

“You’re right. I failed as a mother. Maybe….some people aren’t meant to have children. I didn’t know….how much they’d take. What it would require. I was raised by nannies and tutors. I never knew my mother, and my father was worse than a stranger. I didn’t have a template. I only knew that I loved Han, and I wanted him to stay. And I loved Ben, I... **love** him. Still. Even after what he did to his father, even though he hates me….” she stopped, choking on the words. I held my breath until she started again.

“Rey, you have to understand. I couldn’t give up the work. It’s too important - to everybody’s children. Maybe my family would have been happier if I’d stayed home and devoted myself to them exclusively, but how could I? When this planet needs to be protected for the good of everyone’s family? Besides; why should it have to be on me? Why am I the bad mother because I didn’t pay enough attention, but his father could keep going out adventuring, risking his life and his freedom without a thought for us?”

I tried to have it all, Rey. What they told my generation we could do for the first time. Marriage, family, career….but I wasn’t enough. I couldn’t hold it together. Han and I, we...fell apart, and Ben….I didn’t know what to do with him, Rey. He was so _angry,_ it was frightening. He was bigger than me, even then. And his father was only around half the time, and even he couldn’t really control him when he got into a rage. We needed _help_. I didn’t know….” she trailed off, brokenly.

“But once you found out…” I said gently, reaching across the desk to pat her hand, which was damp with tears. 

“Believe it or not, I did what I thought was best for him. I thought….if he got away, somewhere new, where there was nothing to remind him of what he went through...he could heal. Clearly, I was wrong. I know he’s never forgiven me for that.”

“Maybe it’s not too late.” 

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, exactly. But I’m not going to lie to him anymore. There’s no need. Any trouble coming for him is going to have to get through me first. And I don’t know how, but I’m going to fix this.” With that, I stood up and left the office.

On the way out, I ran into Finn. “What are you doing here?” He asked, surprised.

“Taking care of business.” I answered, giving him a quick hug. “You gonna be home after work?”

He nodded. “I’ll be there - and I’m bringing company!” I called back as I made my exit.

I passed a burrito shop and a florist as I headed back to the office, and stopped at both. In addition to my lunch, I purchased something else. A small fern in a glossy black ceramic pot. I tucked it behind the passenger seat and went back to work feeling determined. This was all going to work itself out. I was going to make things right with Ben and convince him to save the porgs and reconcile with his mother. And either we were all going to live happily ever after, or I was going to die trying. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone, hope you're enjoying the story! If you haven't already, check out my other [WIP](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23765206/chapters/57082519), which is much fluffier and low angst. and as always, I love to hear from you - whether it's in the comments, or on [tumblr](https://onesharedbraincell.tumblr.com/)!


	21. Why Can't We Be Friends?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey tries to bring Ben into the fold, with mixed results. And Ben realizes something.

After work, we stopped back at my place to grab Rey’s stuff before going to hers. Poe and Finn were in the driveway working on the falcon when we pulled up in front of a smallish old house with a garish tan, white, and orange color scheme. I pulled the bags out of the back as Rey ran to Finn and hugged him. 

“It feels like I haven’t seen you in a year!” 

“But we just-”

“Come on, let’s go in, I brought you goodies!” She took the bags out of my hands, hustling him into the house. I lagged behind. 

“What are you working on?” I asked Poe. 

“Little bit of everything. This old girl needs some love. Hadn’t been touched in years when we got her.”

“Got a good deal?”

“Hell yeah. Finn’s boss let us have it for a song. Think it was her husband’s.”

_You don’t say._

“Once we get her fixed up, she’s gonna be a thing of beauty. If I could just- get- this-” he grunted as he threw his weight against the wrench with which he was trying to loosen the fuel pump. “There we go!” He proclaimed triumphantly, emerging from under the hood with a grin. 

He tossed it to me - whether it didn’t occur to him not to lob greasy auto parts at a guy in a three thousand dollar suit, or whether he was doing it on purpose to get a rise out of me, I couldn’t tell. But he looked surprised when I simply caught it and shook it.

“You hear that?” I asked him. It rattled. It wasn’t supposed to. Poe nodded.

“It’s the compression spring. You got a screwdriver?” Within a few minutes, I’d taken the pump apart and replaced the spring. I’d done it once before, with my dad and Chuy looking over my shoulder, the summer I was nine. At the time, I’d wanted to be anywhere else. Now, it felt like reaching across the void to touch my father. 

“Thanks,” said Poe. “I didn’t have you figured for a car guy.” He indicated the suit. 

“I’m not, really.” I admitted. “Just _this_ car. My dad used to have one.”

“Oh. cool. Well then, why don’t you take off that jacket and help me troubleshoot this bad boy.”

_What the hell. Why not? Nobody will be able to say you didn’t try to make friends._ I tossed it aside and rolled up my shirtsleeves. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What?” Finn wondered as I pushed him inside, arms overflowing with the snacks and trinkets I’d brought back for him.

“I just want a chance to talk before Ben gets in here!” I hissed, peeking out the front door window. He was talking to Poe about the car, it looked like. Good. Maybe that would give us a few minutes.

“Ben? I thought his name was Kylo?” 

“It’s his given name. He changed it - I think I’m about the only person who gets to call him that. Except his mother. Finn - _Leia is his mom_. Did **_you_** know?”

“Wait, what? Are you serious? No, of course I didn’t! I definitely would have told you that if I’d had any idea….wow.” Hurriedly, I caught him up to speed. Not the full story, but the bones of it: how we’d been growing closer. How under the hard outer shell there was so much more; sweetness, vulnerability, passion…. how we’d all misjudged him. As I talked, Finn’s open expression gradually hardened to a scowl. I trailed off and waited for him to speak.

“I can’t believe you.” he said finally. He looked disappointed, almost angry.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, defensive.

“Look, I was all for you getting some dick as a sidequest on this mission. But _falling_ for the guy? _Are you out of your goddamn mind?”_ I didn’t know what to say to that. I had thought Finn would understand. I’d thought he’d be happy for me. Maybe I wasn’t explaining it right.

“Don’t you see? He’s not like we thought. There’s goodness in him. I’ve felt it.”

“Don’t _**you**_ see? This is _never_ going to work out. You’re going to tank your career - the only opportunity you’ve ever had - by getting mixed up in their family drama. And it’s not going to end well. He may have been sweet to you last week, but don’t forget, the man is violent. Do you not remember what he did to the guy you replaced? You think just because you’re fucking him, he won’t hurt you next time you piss him off? _Think_ , Rey. You can't just fix people because you want to.”

“He would never hurt me.” I said stubbornly. “No way.”

“And even _if_ ,” Finn barrelled ahead. “By some _miracle_ , he’s able to get over the fact that you’ve been lying to him since the day you met-” There I tried to interrupt, but was silenced by Finn’s raised index finger, “then you still have to reckon with the fact that you have _nothing_ in common! He’s Leia’s son? You know what that means, right? Dude was raised with a silver spoon in his mouth from the jump. You think he’s going to come in here and feel right at home? That he’s gonna look at the way we live with anything but condescension? You think you’re gonna fit right in to _his_ world? What, Lando picked you out a few outfits and you think he won’t notice? You may as well be from a different planet than him, and you’re kidding yourself if you don’t think class is an issue.” 

“The only person hurting me right now is you. And we do have things in common. Maybe not money, or education, but that’s not all there is.” I was stung by what Finn had said - mostly because if played into my own worst fears and insecurities. _What if he was right_?

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt for real,” he said, after a moment. I didn’t respond immediately. “I’m just gonna go order some pizzas. What does your man like?” I shrugged to indicate I didn’t know, and he left me to repack my overnight bag alone.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Okay, start her up.” In the driver’s seat, Poe turned the engine and gave it some gas. It backfired with a noise like a shot, and even though I knew what it was, I couldn’t stop my body from reacting. I hit the deck, instantly faceplanting into the cement driveway. A moment passed, my pulse racing as I registered what had happened, and before I could get up I heard Rey’s voice from somewhere behind me.

“You guys should come clean up now, pizza will be here any minute. Ben? Are you okay?”

“I dropped a bolt.” Said, Poe, coming to the rescue as he exited the car. “Thanks for getting that for me, man.” Rey went back in as I clambered to my feet and he came around to me. “You serve?” It was less a question than an acknowledgement. I nodded.

“Marines. You?”

“Air force.” He clapped me on the shoulder as we went in. “You’re all right, brother. I got you.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Showing Ben around the house did little to soothe my feelings after Finn’s dressing-down. He tried to be polite, but I could read his face well enough to see that he was at best slightly grossed out, and at worst outright pitying the shabbiness of my humble circumstances. The faded linoleum, chipped paint, and stained walls of our cheap rental had never bothered me too much before, but now I saw them through Ben’s eyes for the first time, and I was ashamed. 

When the pizza came, I insisted on paying. I was still sensitive about what Finn had said, and silly though it may have been, picking up the tab suddenly felt like one small way I could assert myself as Ben’s equal. It was dumb. It made me feel better, That was all. 

Surprisingly, he and Poe seemed to have hit it off, and they filled the awkward quietness between Finn and I with light banter. Finn seemed annoyed by this, as if he objected to anyone getting along with Ben. He got out his phone and started texting, effectively ignoring the rest of us. It would have been easy enough to ignore him back, except for the fact that he had all his sounds turned up to full volume. The click of each letter typed and the swoosh and ding of each message sent and received was audible from across the room. After a few minutes of the conversation being punctuated by this soundtrack, Poe finally turned to him.

“Who you talking to, babe?”

“Rose.” Finn grumped.

“Our Rose? Rose from work?” I asked, remembering that I’d told him to look her up while I was out of town.

“Not anymore. I tried to tell you I had news, but we were too busy talking about your stuff to get around to it. We’re dating.”

“ _What_? What about Poe?” I turned to him, uncomprehending. Oddly, Poe didn’t look bothered. “I thought you didn’t _like_ girls.”

“Surprise.” he retorted. “Guess you don’t know as much as you think you do.” 

“Oh, so just me then. That’s nice. But...” I waved my hand in Poe’s direction. 

“Poe too.” offered Finn. “She’s dating both of us.” I looked at him blankly. “She’s on her way.’ he announced to Poe over my shoulder. 

Ben caught my eye. “We should go. We don't have time to unpack all this. - We haven’t gone public at work yet,” he added, by way of explanation. Finn shot me a look which I didn't answer. I nodded to Ben, and went for the bag in my room. Finn followed me in. 

“Sorry. I’m just worried about you. I don’t trust him.”

“Why not? You don’t even know him.”

“Well, he’s welcome to prove me wrong.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While Poe cleaned up, throwing away the empty soda cans and pizza boxes, My eyes landed on Rey’s wallet, which she’d left sitting on a table near the door. She was so stubborn. For some reason she’d gotten it into her head that since we were at her house, she needed to pay for the dinner. Which was ridiculous, as it was obvious from looking around the place that she was struggling financially. Why else would anyone choose to live somewhere so rundown? Wasn’t I paying her enough? 

I’d let her do it because I hadn’t wanted to argue with her; especially in front of her friends. But now, left alone with her wallet, I had an idea. I’d just slip her a couple of twenties without saying anything about it. If she asked, I’d play it off. I pulled some bills from my pocket, picked up the wallet, and opened it.

A piece of paper fell out of it, and fluttered to the floor. A bright rectangle, like a folded-over post-it note. I bent over, picked it up.

Written on it in small, neat letters was the personal password to my computer. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When we got into the car, I kissed Ben. “Sorry if that was awkward. Finn’s a little upset with me. It’s not a big deal.”

“What about?” he asked, putting the car into gear.

“I guess he doesn’t approve of me dating you. My boss, and all….not that I _need_ his approval.” He made a little -hmmph- noise.

“You were so great though. I think Poe liked you, anyway. Don’t worry, Finn will come around.” He was quiet for the rest of the ride back to his place. Getting out of the car, I remembered. “Oh! I almost forgot! I got you something.” I pulled the fern out of its spot behind my seat and presented it to him. His brows knitted together and he frowned at it, without saying anything. “You don’t have to remember to water it. I’ll take care of it...it’s just-” We entered the apartment and he turned on the lights. “-this place needs something _growing_ in it.”

Ben still hadn’t said anything, and there was beginning to be an anxious gnawing in my stomach. It was time, I had to tell him. I needed to come clean. He walked to the kitchen, where he placed the fern on the island counter and deliberately stepped away from it. We spoke almost at the same instant.

“There’s something I need to-” I started. But the words died in my throat because he had just said:

“So. How long have you been working for my mother?”

From its vantage point on the counter, the fern shivered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next up: the fallout. sorry ya'll, it's gonna be rough. but you knew that. don't worry, I'm going on the record to promise you a HEA if I haven't done so already.


	22. Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, they won't be apart for too long. Trigger Warning this chapter for what could be considered domestic violence by some - it's mild compared to what they do to one another in canon, but it's there.

The whole drive back to my place, the rage had been building. I was trying to shove it back down inside me; swallowing it like bile. But I was on edge already - tense and jumpy after the awkwardness of the evening. Not to mention the flashback. I didn’t have them all that often, but when I did, as I had tonight, I was always messed up for a while afterward I hated the shaky, out of control way I always felt; sometimes it lasted for hours. Not ideal circumstances for this conversation. Dogged, I pressed ahead anyway. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I had to know.

“How long?” Rey looked guilty, defeated. 

“Over a year.” She confessed. ‘She got me in at First Order somehow. I don’t know. I’m her personal assistant.”

“Why?” Even to my own ears, I sounded cold. Distant. 

“She wanted to know what you were planning for the site. The porgs-”

I cut her off. “Right, of course. The fucking porgs. God forbid anything should happen to the _stupid goddamn porgs_.”

“I wrote a brief for you explaining-”

“I read it, okay? Spare me.”

“You did? Already? I just wrote it this morning.”

“You left it on my desk.” I shrugged. “It seemed important to you.”

“It is.” She took a step towards me, then hesitated. Some instinct must have warned her to keep her distance. If only it had told her to close her mouth. She forged ahead desperately, emboldened. “To Leia, too. They’re a critically endangered species who rely on that specific habitat. We have an ethical responsibility to protect them, no matter what the government says. To pretend otherwise would be wrong.” That was when I started to lose it.

**_“For FUCK’S SAKE. Get off your fucking moral high horse!_ ”** I shouted. You’re always telling me what I _should_ be doing. What the right thing is. How I’m not good enough. You think you’re so much better than me!”

“I don’t-”

“Well, you’re not! How dare you fucking preach to me about morals and ethics, when you’ve been _lying_ to me for the _entire time I’ve known you!_

Generally, people reacted one of two ways when I got visibly angry: the first group cowered. Whether it was due to my stature, the depth of my voice, something else entirely, or a combination of factors, I didn’t know or care. I made it work for me. Better to be a villain than a victim. 

Most people were in the first group. Not Rey. As always seemed to happen with us, she held her own, deflecting my anger as she bravely argued her side. 

“I haven’t! Not really! I just didn’t tell you everything. I’m sorry, Ben. I never wanted to hurt you, I didn’t know that any of -this- was going to happen.” 

“Didn’t _tell_ me everything? **Like the fact that you were _spying_ on me?” **Without my mind having made the decision to act, my body was in motion. The round ceramic pot felt good in my hand as I hurled it at the brick wall with all the force of my wounded feelings. The impact was loud, and as the pot shattered, a spray of soil and shards of sharp porcelain flew out from its center, the latter ricocheting through the room. I felt one slice my cheek, and then the immediate warm trickle of blood. Rey winced. 

She moved as if to come toward me again, her voice softening. “I didn’t. I stole your password, but I didn’t do anything with it. And this was before… My whole resume is bullshit. I never went to college; I’m totally unqualified to do my job, and you never should have hired me.” She was crying. “Your mother sent me, but I’m still here because of you. When I agreed to it, I didn’t know - I didn’t plan on falling in love with you!”

I looked at her as with her words, she twisted the knife. That she could still say that to me after such a display was inconceivable. That I could love her so much in turn, in spite of what she’d done, was also pretty fucked. Rey was flushed and glassy-eyed, breathing hard as the adrenaline coursed through her. Even sprayed with soil and bearing the marks of my outburst, she was beautiful. She looked at me with remorse and need in her hazel eyes, and I did the only thing I could. 

“Get out.” 

“Ben-”

**“ _OUT!_ ”** I roared. And then Rey did the last thing I expected. She obeyed. She turned on her heel and ran out of the apartment, leaving me alone. After a minute of shaky silence, I slumped onto the floor, ignoring the dirt and shards of pottery that littered it. 

I sat there - numb, face bleeding, until the light changed and darkness fell over the city. A storm broke, cracking the sky with thunder and lightning. Sheets of rain obscured the view through the windows, but I took little notice. I felt like a passenger in my own body, unable to move or help himself, crushed by the weight of my self-loathing. I sat listless, unable to sleep, until the sun had risen and birds were singing intrusively on the balcony. When it seemed late enough, I finally roused myself. Like a machine on autopilot, I swept up the mess of dirt and collected it into a pile. Rummaging through the bin that held my recycling, I salvaged a container that had formerly held yogurt, and repotted the desecrated fern as best I could. The pieces of pottery I collected in a separate pile. Once my house was (at least superficially) in order, I turned to the hard part. I picked up the phone and made a call.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I could deal with his anger. I deserved that, for misleading him. Even the violence of breaking the pot, while objectively not great, didn’t scare me off. I wasn’t afraid of him. Though the scratches on my arm where splinters of porcelain had broken the skin told a different story,  
even now I felt with a surety I couldn’t explain or defend that he hadn’t meant to hurt me.   
It wasn’t his temper that I had run from, finally. It was something else: the ice in his response when I’d told him I loved him, the look of wounded recrimination in his eyes when he looked at me, unheedful of the dark blood that ran down his cheek. I ran from my guilt, my hypocrisy, and the way he’d thrown it back up in my face; a reflection of myself I didn’t recognize, and which frightened me.

I got out my phone, hands were shaking a little. I called Finn. He answered on the third ring.

“What’s up?” 

“I need a favor,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. 

He could tell immediately that something was wrong. “Where are you? Do you need me to come get you?” 

“Would you? Please? And Finn?” I asked, hating to have to, “Can you please promise not to say ‘I told you so’?”

“Sure, Peanut.” He reassured me. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” He disconnected, but not before I heard him mutter “That _fucker_ ”.

Not long after, it started raining. First softly, then hard enough to hurt. I didn’t bother trying to find shelter. I was glad of the rain. By the time Finn pulled the Falcon up to the curb in front of me, I was completely soaked, and it was impossible to tell how hard I’d been crying.


	23. Back Home At Rock Bottom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey copes with her feelings, Ben disappears, and Rose Tico lives her best life.

Finn didn’t ask too many questions. I wasn’t sure whether to be grateful or not, since I was pretty sure he had assumed the worst. I went straight to bed, passing Rose and Poe with the most perfunctory of greetings; not even bothering to change out of my wet clothes. I didn’t sleep. Not that I could have, anyway. Not to the soundtrack of first giggling, then moans that were wafting through the thin old walls before long. I put a pillow over my face to muffle the sounds of my roommate’s three-way sexcapade and lay there, wet and miserable, already missing Ben and feeling like garbage.

When my alarm went off in the morning, I was faced with a choice. The jig was up - I didn’t belong at First Order and he and I both knew it. I should probably just go back to Leia with my tail between my legs and accept that it was over. After all, he’d made that pretty clear. 

What he hadn’t done, though, was actually fire me. And since, as far as the rest of the office was concerned, none of personal stuff had happened between us, I wondered...would he risk exposing himself to further scandal just so he didn’t have to see me around anymore? At this point I was willing to risk the humiliation of being rejected again to know. Maybe I just needed to see him again. 

He didn’t show, so all the work I’d put into looking good was wasted. Not that it had helped; I had dark circles underneath my eyes and my reflection in the well-lit office bathroom looked pale and wretched. I was starting to be worried: it didn’t seem like Ben not to come in at all this way. Office gossip had always characterized him as the kind of boss who never called in sick, never took a personal day. Who came in early, stayed late, and judged you a little if you didn’t do the same. My own limited firsthand experience supported this read. What was he doing? Was he okay? As the day wore on, I grew more and more desperate. 

I realized that I didn’t even have his personal cell number. How was that possible? We had gone from new work associates to ….whatever we were so quickly. The entire time we had been intimate, we had never been apart. I’d never _needed_ to call him. And just like that, it was over. 

To distract myself from the call I couldn’t make, I made another. I had to tell Leia what had happened. I wasn’t looking forward to rehashing the previous evening, but it didn’t go quite as I’d expected.

“Hi, Leia. It’s Rey. Uh….Ben knows, he figured it out I guess…”

“I know. He called me.”

“You- He did what?”

“We spoke, Rey.” The older woman spoke tenderly, whiskey and velvet in her rich voice. Like her son’s somehow, though I was only now noticing. 

“What did...what did he say?” asked Rey meekly. Leia sighed. 

“Darling, you’re just going to have to give him some time, I think.”

_Time_. I could do that. I knew how to wait. If only it wasn’t false hope she was offering.

“I’m not coming back to work for you. Not yet, anyway.” _I have to see this through. Only I could turn professional suicide into mass murder by ruining my prospects at two different careers at once._

_She seemed sympathetic, at least. Or maybe guilty. This whole situation, after all, was her fault. “I understand. Good luck, dear.” I hung up the phone to see DJ leering at me through my office window from where he sat talking to Hux in the atrium some twenty yards away. At least I thought he was leering. Something about the guy put me on edge, in any case. I snapped the blinds shut._

_Not sure what to do next, I did the only thing I could. I worked, continuing to outline my plans for making First Order more environmentally friendly and socially responsible as a company. It didn’t matter that he didn’t want to hear my ideas, I was going to say my piece. I stopped worrying about the PR aspect - how to make it look as though we were greener - and focused on positive changes we could make in the way the business operated._

_It became obvious really quickly that the question was vastly more complicated than I’d thought. Every time I thought I’d gotten a handle on how the company could be profitable without doing any harm, three more angles occurred to me. It wasn’t just land use and development that had to be worried about, but manufacturing and global trade issues. Doing business at all had a tangible impact on the environment, and there was nothing I could do about it._

_Even worse than this realization was another. I myself, whatever I had always pretended, was willing to pay that price. I used phones and computers that ran off of the tech First Order provided. I was perfectly happy to guzzle jet fuel all the way to and from Japan if it meant getting to travel and spend time with Ben. I was a selfish hypocrite. He was right._

_Rose had given me a lift in that morning, and now we drove back to my place together, trying to make small talk. Chitchat with someone who I didn’t really know that well but who I’d only the night before heard loudly getting rawed by my two best friends was not high on my list of favorite things, but I had to give her credit, she was really trying._

_“So you haven’t told me anything about Japan! How much did you love it? I’ve only been there once when I was really little, and I don’t remember anything. We have family in Seoul that we were visiting and we had a long layover in Tokyo. Did you see anyone dressed up all crazy? I just love how wild the fashion is there. How was it, just you and the boss? I hope he wasn’t too awful to you, but I guess it was probably worth it to get to go on a trip like that! I was so jealous, but then of course I was having a pretty good time myself while you were gone! Can you believe it? I went from no boyfriend to two boyfriends in like, a week! I’m really living my best life right now Rey, can I just say? They’re both so _nice,_ and cute, and _hoo!_ Lemme tell you, I have got my hands _full_ , if you know what I mean.”_

_Just when I thought I’d rather throw myself out the window of her Prius rather than listen to whatever was going to follow that sentence, she tacked. “Sorry if we kept you up last night. And sorry if that was TMI just now, I just don’t have a lot of girlfriends. I was really close with my sister, but she passed a couple of years ago, and Jannah’s cool, but she doesn’t get it, she won’t let me talk about boys, she just goes “ew” so like...thanks, Rey.”_

_“I’m happy for you guys.” i managed, “Really. I just….have some personal stuff going on. Sorry if I’m not too sociable right now.”_

_“Oh, I’m sorry.” she said, a cloud passing over her face. She really was very sweet. It wasn’t fair of me to begrudge her her fun just because my love life was a shambles. “Do you wanna talk about it? I don’t mind listening, I know I can talk a lot, but I’m a very good listener.”_

_“That’s okay. I’m good.” I told her. “Thanks, though.”_

_When we got back to the house, I immediately changed into sweats and curled up in my bed with a tupperware bowl of cold chicken carbonara I'd stolen from the fridge and a book._

_I’d ordered it from amazon as soon as our plane had touched down. Another instance of my hypocrisy, since I knew how unethical their business practices were. But Ben had recommended it based on my love for Dickens, who he said had edited it. _North and South _. I’d never read it, and had no idea what it was about. But it was written by a woman, so that was cool. And it made me feel close to him, the idea of reading the thing he’d thought I would like. Like it would tell me who he thought I was. Like the answer would be something other than a liar..___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please tell me what you're thinking; I live to hear from you! 
> 
> also a minor psa: I've recently recovered and posted an OLD (2009) fic of mine from the twilight fandom that is written in a similar back and forth POV style. If that's something you think you might be interested in, check it out!


	24. Limbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey gets the cold shoulder, Ben does some work on himself.

Ben was back at work - forty-five minutes late - the next day. Little to nothing had been said about his absence, but his reappearance was made more provocative by the fresh and livid cut across his cheek. I wanted to tend it; as if I was somehow capable of healing him. All I’d done was hurt him more. As if he needed that. When he strode through the office like a charging rhinoceros, I saw the looks exchanged by Hux and Phasma and wondered what they thought had happened. After Ben’s office door had slammed shut behind him, DJ sidled past where the three of us had been standing, muttering suggestively;

“Mr, Ren should watch out. N-n-never know when a kitty’s gonna show its claws.”

I went to staff meetings, researched ideas, tried to think of new ways to do good and improve public opinion of the company at the same time. Ben ignored me. I’d almost have preferred it if he had been rude and caustic. Part of me wanted him to be cruel, to punish me. I would have felt better then. I deserved it. This slow death of simply ignoring my presence completely was infinitely worse.

It was as though he didn’t see me. I stared at him endlessly, but he was resolute. He never met my gaze, even for a second. His discipline was impressive. He had to feel my eyes on him. I wondered how long he could hold out. I could stare at him for as long as was necessary. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Breathe in. Deeply, from the gut.”

“How do I breathe from my gut? That’s not where my lungs are.”

“Just do it. As deeply as you can.”

I breathed. From the gut, or so I supposed. Whatever it would take for Luke to stop touching me. I was seated with crossed legs and he was adjusting my posture, with one hand on my back and the other on my solar plexus. He thrummed the count on my chest with his fingers.

“Good! He enthused. “ And...out.” I exhaled, slowly; in time with the count “Now I want you to visualize your anger.”

“What, all of it?” He eyed me closely before snarking; “No, good point. Maybe just start with small things. What are they? Visualize each as an object you can hold in your hand.”

I kept my eyes closed, concentrating. “Traffic jams. Disorganization. People who don’t _respect personal boundaries._ ” I hinted through gritted teeth as my uncle’s hands moved to my head, pressing points at the temples and forehead as he aligned my spine.

“In…..and out….Can you see them?” He asked, removing his hands once he was satisfied I was sitting correctly and knew how to both breathe and count. 

To my surprise, I could. In my mind’s eye, each presented itself to me in turn as a sphere of red light. I heard Luke’s voice and it seemed far away, somehow. 

“What do you notice about them?” 

“They look the same.”

“And are they? Look closer.”

I looked into the hearts of each orb and saw the scenarios they represented as though from somewhere outside of myself. From this vantage point, I could see more than just the superficial differences and my usually explosive way of coping. I could see the tension and anxiety in myself that I wasn’t aware of in the moment, and I knew.

“What do they have in common?” Luke asked patiently. 

“They make me feel...like I’m not in control.”

“Okay. That’s good. Try something larger. I want you to visualize the anger you hold towards me.” 

My eyes snapped open. “Are you sure about this?” My uncle smiled beatifically and nodded. Had he always been this chill? Or had age mellowed him? I eyed him suspiciously before allowing myself to fall back into the meditative state. 

“In….and out. And In….”

Luke’s voice in the present faded to a dull monotone. There it was, like a beachball of light, buzzing slightly in the black emptiness before me. I walked around it, examining it the way I had the others. 

I saw him always around, since my earliest days, an unavoidable presence in my life. My parents had many friends and comrades, but their relationship with him was different. Not only was he blood, but he and my mother were extra close as an act of defiance, as only twins raised separately for most of their childhoods by people not their parents could be. But it was more than that. He’d held a special status in our family and in my parent’s circle: the idealistic heart of their movement, the “baby” of the family they’d felt protective of, the spiritual leader whose advice they all followed. 

They had always listened to him, and _when had they ever listened to me?_ I saw myself tiny, braiding my mother’s hair as she sat on the floor in front of the sofa, and how at a word from Luke, she rushed off half-done without so much as a backward glance, leaving me alone. And there was the birthday, a little later on, which my father had bailed on because Luke had suggested some mission was more important. The party had gone ahead without him, but my mother had spent the entire time on the phone, and the only guests had been Chuy and Maz. We’d moved so frequently then that I’d never had the chance to make friends my own age. 

The images rushed past, inundating me. My dad leaving, finally, and my mother had turning to Luke for comfort; he was her confidant, her _other_ other half. How at the same time, she’d avoided me. Had I reminded her too much of Han? Had she blamed me for his going? I didn’t know; I only saw the looks they exchanged and their whispers about me and _what are we going to do with him?_ I only knew that he had always assumed the worst of me. 

I saw the mountains where we’d lost my father and the red glow of the sphere intensified, buzzing louder, more angrily now. I saw the three of us on the ledge; how much neither my father or I had wanted to be there. It had been Luke’s big idea; I’d only gone to spend time with my dad, who’d only gone because Luke had made him. 

“You know, it would help you to work through your trauma if you’d just meditate. Your lack of faith in the process is the only thing holding you back from healing.” said the phantom Luke in my memory. From here, outside the sphere, I could see that he’d been trying to help, however ineffectively. In the moment, I had only been conscious of the implication that what I’d been through was somehow my fault. I saw the grief and doleful blame in his eyes at the memorial, when he’d told me it was best if I didn’t speak - a reflection of my own guilt. 

The red light seemed to short circuit and the whole sphere vanished, leaving only emptiness. I opened my eyes. Luke sat facing me, one eyebrow raised sardonically. 

“Wild, huh?” he said, a knowing twinkle in his eye. “Learn anything?”

“They loved you more than me. Both of them. You turned them against me.” There. I’d finally said it. Let him deny it now.

“Oh, Ben.” he said heavily. “Everything you just said is wrong. I think that’s enough for today, don’t you?” The old man helped me to my feet, surprisingly spry considering how overweight and grizzled he was looking these days. Though I’d been sitting still for the last hour, I was exhausted. It was time to go home. I had a lot to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i lost a subscriber this morning and am feeling a little tender, so if you have love to give, please do folks! (was it the background polyam? where have I gone wrong?) - Don't actually answer that, I don't want criticism! 
> 
> What I do want is for you to take a moment to fill out a short poll. I love this au and have invested heavily in it, and when considering what to write next (since this story is fast approaching its conclusion - by my estimate it will come in at <30 chapters) i want to know what YOU want.
> 
> https://surveyhero.com/c/a020a12d


	25. Coming Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love my readers so fucking much. You've all been amazing. Thanks for your kindness and encouragement. Enjoy!

I was off of the Ohnaka project. No one said as much, but they stopped telling me what was happening. I was shut out of the meetings, and it seemed like overnight, my place was filled, my input no longer needed. DJ was a frequent fixture in the office now, and he and Ben had taken to having long private conferences. Though it had broken my heart, I had accepted that my fight for the porgs had ended. What, if anything, Leia had in mind now was on her. She knew well enough where things stood, presumably. I did what else I could. And I waited, trying to give Ben the time she’d said he needed. And so things went. 

And went.

On and on until we had been apart longer than we had been together. Until I missed him with an insistence that was like a toothache, while at the same time feeling as though maybe it had all been a dream.

No one would ever have guessed that there had been more between us than professional acquaintance and mild animosity from the way he continued to behave towards me at work. And I could deal with that. Until I couldn’t anymore. 

The thing that set me off happened in the lounge, where Rose and I had met for a latte and bagel break. To my surprise, having her around so much had actually made us closer. However annoying their nesting had been in my post-breakup state, I could see that she brought out a different side of both Finn and Poe, and I couldn’t help liking her more the more I saw it. 

“Is it just me, or has he been looking more relaxed in the last week or so?” She wondered aloud, watching someone across the room. “I wonder if he and Phasma finally got together. I always thought they should be an item.” 

“Hmm. I hadn’t noticed,” I muttered absently. One of the reasons I liked Rose was the fact that she didn’t mind If I tuned her out a bit when I was reading. She just kind of hung out and waited for me to surface. 

“They’re both so tall. She needs a tall guy, don’t you think? Can you imagine her with someone, say, Poe’s height? How could he resist the constant urge to motorboat her?”

“I don’t know, the fact that she looks like she could kick anyone’s ass might be a deterrent.” 

“Well I always thought those two would look good together. And I mean, after he almost killed that asshole defending her, how could I _not_ ship it?”

“Wait, what?” I looked up suddenly, confused. I had assumed we had been talking about Hux this entire time, but when I followed Rose’s line of sight, there were Ben and Phasma, locked in conversation. Her hand was on his elbow. He was smiling. He did look more relaxed, lighter than I’d seen him since we’d been together. My stomach churned. The bagel no longer looked appealing.

“The PR guy. The one you replaced, that he threw through the window? _Well,_ ” she intimated, dropping her voice to a whisper though there was no one within earshot. “That guy _assaulted_ her. That’s why he did it. He caught them on the conference table and he _saved_ her. I mean, I’d date him if _I_ was her.”

“How do you know all this? He’s never said a word…”

“Maybe a non-disclosure agreement was part of the legal settlement? Anyway, I had to do the exit interview and they both gave a statement for the paperwork too. There’s a _reason_ why Mr. Ren never got in trouble for that, and it settled out of court. I'm probably not even supposed to say anything, but it's just you.”

“Hmm.” Afterwards, I went back to my office and stewed for a while. Just long enough for him to return to his office alone, and for me to get good and worked up. I stormed in unannounced, slamming the door behind me. 

“Enough with the silent treatment. What do I have to do to make you talk to me? I’m sorry, okay? I’m really fucking sorry, and if I could go back and change it, I would. But you keep secrets too and you can’t punish me for it forever and you can’t keep ignoring me because it isn’t going to work. You can’t just push me away because I meant what I said that night. I love you, Ben, and I’m not going anywhere so you can just be mad at me and deal with it.”

“I’m not mad at you.” He said it so calmly in the face of my outburst that it was like a bucket of cold water in the face. This was the last thing I had expected him to say.

“What do you mean, you’re not mad at me? It’s been ages - you haven’t looked at me, you won’t say one word, and you’re not mad? _What are you talking about?_ ” I may or may not have been shouting by this point. He remained seated, unflappable.

“I know my mother. This whole thing was exactly her brand of bullshit. And I know how persuasive she can be. I don’t really blame you. Much.”

“Then why-”

“Have I been keeping my distance?” I nodded mutely. “Well for starters, I was waiting for you to apologize properly. Which you just did, finally, so thank you. Before you were just downplaying everything. Also, I needed to do some work on myself. My temper has been a problem. I didn’t want to end up in a position where I might hurt you again.”

“So you do care about me? You don’t hate me?”  
“Of course I don’t hate you.”

“‘Cause I gotta say, after all this time this conversation feels a little anticlimactic. You’re just gonna forgive me? Just like that?”

“Well I can turn you over my knee, if it’ll make you feel better.”

“You wouldn’t.” I said, daring him to as I closed the distance between us. 

“Oh I’d do things you wouldn’t dream of,” he purred, as his big hand wrapped around my neck and pulled me down to kiss him. Before I knew it, he’d called my bluff and I had been upended over his lap. 

The already short skirt I’d been wearing had ruched up around my hips and my ass was out. Luckily, I was wearing nice underwear: a slip of plummy silk that I was willing to bet was already soaked through at the mere suggestion of what was about to come. 

With an open hand, Ben slapped me sharply on the bottom. It sounded loudly in the room. I gasped at the impact; hard enough to sting, not hard enough to truly hurt. I squirmed against his muscular thigh. He slapped me again, catching not just my ass, but my pussy as well. I whimpered. He ran his fingers along the wet scrap of fabric that stood between us. 

“So wet.” he murmured. “Your sloppy little cunt is going to make a mess of my office.” He peeled the silk down and off of my legs, pocketing it in his suit jacket. He dipped a finger into me, rubbing the slick across my folds until I moaned. Then he spanked me again. I reared back eagerly to meet his hand, eager for more sensation.

“You like this, don’t you? Feeling like a bad girl. If you were really so good, you wouldn’t like being punished so much. You know you deserve it.”

“I do. I deserve it. You know what else I deserve? A good hard fucking. That’ll really show me.” In response, he stood up, pushing me over onto the desk, and undid his pants, pulling out his cock. Gone was any reticence or worry I’d had about being caught. There was something exciting, even thrilling, about the possibility that someone could walk in at any moment, and the treated glass meant that while no one could see in, we could see the whole of the office. It was like he was taking me in public, in full view of everyone. 

He entered me slowly, but soon increased to a furious rhythm, pounding me so that our flesh met with a clapping sound and his balls smacked against my clit in time with his thrusts. Papers and other desk ephemera fell to the ground, displaced by the force with which he slammed into me. The desk drawers were jarred open. I wondered how it sounded from outside the office. Would they think we were in here fighting? 

The wooden desk felt cool against my face as he pressed me into it, holding my hands together behind me with one of his. The other massaged my ass where he had slapped it red, kneading it hard as he kicked my legs further apart, spreading me further around him. His thrusts slowed and deepened, dragging deliciously against my inner walls. I was so close. He reached down and found my swollen clit, thrumming it in time with his movements until I came hard, muscles clamping down hard around his cock as he spilled inside me and we rode out the aftershocks together. He had collapsed on top of me, and his weight was uncomfortable, but I was so grateful that he still wanted me, that I would have been happy to stay like that forever. 

But then, simultaneously, our cell phones went off with text notifications. They were from Leia. 

They said, “I need you. At the hospital, please come ASAP.”


	26. No One Is Ever Really Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for a character death this chapter: as always, keep an eye on the tags. it's nothing that doesn't happen in canon.

We both looked at our phones, and then at each other. Not needing to discuss it, we immediately set to straightening ourselves up as much as possible. Gently, with a tissue, he wiped our combined fluids from my inner thighs. I straightened his tie, smoothed his mussed hair as well as my own. 

He drew the line at giving me my underwear back. He was keeping them, he said, for later. We left together, hurried, neither seeming to care what anyone in the office thought about it. In the car, we held hands as he drove to the hospital, exercising little regard for the speed limit. 

It was a maze of antiseptic pastel hallways; a liminal space in which I felt uncomfortable, but Ben wasn’t phased at all by the confusing sameness of every passage. He propelled us relentlessly forward at a punishing pace as I struggled to match his long strides. It didn’t help that I was a little sore from our encounter.

When we found Leia. she seemed smaller and older than she’d ever looked to me, clutching her elegant sweater coat around her as though for warmth. She was seated alone in the hall, staring into the middle distance. I sat beside her and placed a hand on her arm. Ben knelt before her, looking up into her face. She reached out a shaky paper-skinned hand and stroked his face. 

“You came.” she whispered, sounding almost amazed. He didn’t say anything, and then she crumpled, throwing her arms around his neck. I patted Leia’s back awkwardly, as between quiet, half-choked sobs, she told us what had happened.

Luke was dead. One minute they had been fixing brunch together and discussing the excellent progress Ben had been making in their training sessions, and the next; he’d been gone. The doctors said it had most likely been an aneurysm or a massive stroke. No way to predict or prevent it, it had simply been Luke’s time. Quick, painless. A good death. 

She knew she shouldn’t even be sorry; that he wouldn’t want it. Her brother hadn’t feared death, she knew. He’d spoken of it often enough. But what was she going to do without him? He had been her right hand since they’d been nineteen. She was lost.

“What can we do for you, Leia?” I asked her. Ben still hadn’t spoken a word.

“Nothing, dear. We had an event this evening, but Lando and Finn have everything under control, I’m sure. Just take me home. I’m so tired.” Ben all but carried her out, bending solicitously to allow her to support herself on his arm, and shortening his gait so as not to tax her. He drove her back to the townhouse she and her twin had shared, while I sat in the tiny backseat. We helped her up the stairs and into the tastefully appointed home. 

There was a hush over the place. Refuse from the paramedics and the crusty out-too-long remains of the bagel and spreads meal that had been cut short told the story of what had happened. While Ben took his mother to her room, I cleaned up what I could, wondering what came next. It was around then that I realized I had left my bag at work. I’d holstered my phone in the top of one of my knee-high boots so I didn’t have to carry it around all day, but my ID, keys; everything else was in my purse, in my office. 

When Ben came down, I told him. 

“Take my car. I’m going to stay here tonight. Make sure she’s okay.”

“Oh. All right. Did you...want me to come back?” I wondered.

“Well, you could; I suppose. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind you being here. There’s a guest room, and Luke won’t be using his, so… but maybe it’s better if you don’t.” I was trying to decide whether or not he was brushing me off when he pulled me in close and kissed me, so sweetly and deeply that it made my toes curl. “Come by in the morning, okay?” 

I went back to the office. It was well after hours now, and especially with Ben having left early tonight, I really didn’t expect to see anyone. So I was surprised when I got upstairs, to find a light on in Ben’s office. Had it been on earlier? Had we bumped it when he was railing me? _No sense in wasting electricity_ , I told myself.

In the office doorway, I stopped short. Someone was in there. Concealed by the high-backed black leather office chair, someone was copying files off of Ben’s computer and muttering. 

“Sneaky, sneaky,” said a familiar voice, without turning around in the chair. “I kn-kn-know your secret.” 

I crept away as silently as I could. Down the stairs, out the door and all the way home. I couldn’t be sure of much - had he known I was there? Had he been speaking to me? What the hell was DJ up to? Had Leia been right - was Ben in some kind of trouble? What secret? What did he know?

What I knew was this: if he wanted to hurt Ben, he was going to have to get through me first. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mother went to bed immediately, helped along by a Xanax. Realizing I hadn’t packed an overnight bag, I went to Luke’s room, hoping to find something to wear to bed. If I’d been home, I’d have just slept naked, but what if I needed to go to the bathroom in the night? What if something happened to Leia? Didn’t twins go together, or close to it, pretty frequently? I needed to be ready for anything.

The problem with being an anti-materialist is that you don’t have any _stuff_. The man only owned a handful of items, and he’d died wearing half of them. Also, he was considerably shorter than me. I ended up going with a silk kimono I found bagged in the back of the closet. It was a beautiful thing - vintage, and probably a gift from Maz. It was detailed in gold and black, patterned with hand-embroidered cranes. It probably would have been full length on Luke, but on me, it came to an almost-respectable just above the knee.

Pulling the kimono out of the closet, I had knocked over a small trunk, which had burst open when it hit the floor. It was unlocked, and contained several leather-bound volumes. It didn’t take me long to realize what they were. Without bothering to wonder whether or not I should, I began to read, hungrily scanning the handwritten journals - for what, I didn't know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sound off in the comments! the next chapter is already partially written, so look for another update soon!
> 
> p.s. if you're an artist and you wanna draw Ben in that robe for me, I would not mind at all. ;)


	27. Sacred Texts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _From 35 years of journals, selected highlights:_

Han and Leia are expecting. I’m going to be an uncle. Trying to be excited for them, but this is the first big adventure they’re having without me. I’m mostly used to being the third wheel by now, but I sometimes still wish it had been me. Of course, I never could have given him this, so I guess he made the right choice. Leia is hoping fatherhood will help settle him down, but I have my doubts. He’s obviously thrilled, though. It’s really fucking cute. 

So is she. I never thought my sister would be the type, honestly. She’s always bucked so hard against society’s expectations of wife- and mother-hood as the limit of female ambition. She wants to change the world, and she’s determined to do it with baby in tow, if necessary. Who am I to tell her she can’t have it all? 

\---------

The baby came, a healthy ten-pounder. Right on time too. Leia was amazing. Thirty hours of natural labor. Proof that mediation works! The baby hasn’t been put down since he was born; the whole gang has been taking turns loving on him. Which is good, because now that it’s over, Mama’s not doing so well. 

She won’t get out of bed, she barely eats - which is bad for her milk production, but she doesn’t want to hear that. She cries all day. I don’t know what to do for her. Give her the kid and she stares at him listlessly, like she doesn’t know what to do with him. She couldn’t even bring herself to pick a name. Han finally asked me to do it, saying he didn’t trust himself not to pick something stupid. Besides, he said, all he knew was shady motherfuckers and the little nugget deserved better than to be named after one of them. (Chuy said he resented that, and Han said “Good, I was talking about you specifically,” and everyone laughed. Except Leia.)

I went with Ben, after my old mentor Professor Kenobi. It sounds strong; serious. It feels almost like a family name, since the guy taught me so much, without having all the negative associations of a connection with our actual family. I made my peace with our father a long time ago, but Leia is still too angry to forgive him. They’re too much alike, though she’d kill me for saying that. Further proof!

\---------

Little Ben has started a new phase, and boy is it _delightful._ Up until now he’s been a pretty easygoing baby. The “terrible’ twos weren’t even that bad. But just when Leia thought she was going to be able to get back to work, hurricane Ben hits. He won’t interact with anyone else, just wants mommy all of a sudden. Han tries to pretend it doesn’t hurt him, but it’s plain as anything. And poor Leia can’t even use the bathroom in peace or get a moment of privacy without the kid clinging to her leg and whining. I haven’t spent much time with children, but his need for attention seems excessive to me. Maz said it isn’t; that most kids go through a phase like this, but to me he seems like the personification of need. 

Credit where credit is due, she’s handling it better than I ever dreamed possible. I know she’s frustrated, though. She even confessed once that she resents it a little, though I know she feels guilty for that. But Han is sleeping on the couch now, after being kicked out of bed one too many times. The little guy worms his way in there and then wiggles, and light sleeper that he is, Han can’t take it. I wonder how long it’s been this way. I ran into him in the hallway early this morning, wearing just his boxers. The years are starting to show on him a little, but he’s still got it. If I had fewer scruples, or loved my sister less....

\-----------

Han and Chuy left for the Caribbean last night. Not on a vacation either. I should have gone with them, but someone had to stay behind to tell Leia and Ben. We fought before he left. He wasn’t going to say a word; just slip out in the night. I told him he owed them better than that. I said that for someone so famously brave, he was a fucking coward. I really hope those aren’t my last words to him.

\------------------

Maybe this family has been cursed from the beginning. The sins of the father, and all that. Ben’s been having a hard time without his dad, mama’s boy though he is. He’s angry at all three of us; Han for leaving, Leia for driving him off, and me for...well, for not being Han, I guess. There’s a lot of our father in him, I think. Both good and bad. Leia sees it too, and I think it disturbs her. He needs to let me teach him how to channel it, how to balance the creative and destructive sides of his nature. He needs to learn to let go. But he’s too resistant. Nothing that comes from me could possibly be of any value.

\----------------

The funeral was today. A big part of me wishes it was mine. Meeting Han and reconnecting with Leia felt like the true beginning of my life - like the eighteen years leading up to it had been practice and this was the real deal. He had a way of making people feel that. like Just being in his presence was an adventure. He lived with one foot out the door, always. But that was the thing about Han - when it really mattered, when you needed him, he always came back. This time is different. There’s no coming back from this, and I don’t know how she and I move forward. We were a triad, each better and stronger because of the other two. Now it’s just me and her. 

Ben’s being home would probably have gone a long way towards helping her if it wasn’t for everything else that’s happened. While he and I both hold ourselves and each other responsible for what happened to Han, my sister is put in an unenviable position. If she blames either or both of us, she hasn’t told me. It’s probably the first time in twenty-five years that I can’t tell what she’s thinking. Of course, being who he is, he chose this moment to tell her he’s leaving again. Enlisting in the Marines. She’s heartbroken, of course. I didn’t think she could get any lower than Han’s death had brought her, but here we are. If anything more happens to that little shit, she’ll never recover. I’m glad I never had kids of my own. To love someone that much, try to do your best by them, and have them grow up to hate you anyway...I hope someday they’re able to forgive one another. I hope I’m there to see it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hit some buttons, tell me you love me, blah, blah, blah. I'm breaking my own heart over here. this damn family gives me the feels.


	28. Pancakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a long overdue conversation.

“That is quite a look,” said my mother wryly when I came into the kitchen the next morning. She quirked an eyebrow as she took in my choice of garment. “Pity Rey isn’t here to see this.”

“She should be here any minute, actually.” I set about helping to make breakfast, shooing her into a seat at the kitchen table. She’d never been much of a cook, and I was willing to bet that hadn’t changed in the last few years. I was no Gordon Ramsey, but I could at least make pancakes. Besides, keeping my hands busy helped me to organize my thoughts, which were...numerous. My whole family history looked different to me now, through the lens of Luke’s memories.

“Did you sleep well?” I asked, in lieu of a hundred other questions.

“Well enough. The older I get, the less I seem to need it. You?”

I shook my head. “I found Luke’s journals. Last night when I was looking for something to wear.”

“At which endeavor you were clearly unsuccessful.” 

I let that go. “Do you think he was….in love with Dad?.....a little?” It was a big thing not to have noticed; a huge thing. My entire life, I had never for a second thought...but there was no denying the implications of what I’d read. And if I’d missed that, what else might I have overlooked? Not just about Luke, but about my parents. Their motivations, their weaknesses… they seemed smaller this morning; shrunk down finally to a human scale. They had always seemed larger than life before. 

She considered it for a moment, before admitting “Probably. Everyone was in love with your father a little, you know. He was just that kind of person. _Terribly_ charismatic….. Luke never said so to me; not in so many words, but who knows? Maybe he was. I know they loved one another very much. And I know how much they both loved us.” She noted something in my expression and answered it. “There’s nothing in those journals that I need to know. Nothing that could change anything. Take them. Read them, if you want to. He wouldn’t mind now, I don’t think. My brother wasn’t a secretive person. Not like you and I. He was like Rey that way. That girl is so competent in most areas, but she really made an _awful_ spy.

“The only reason it took me so long to realize it.” 

She chuckled.“She didn’t give me anything! I’m sorry about sneaking her into your company, by the way. I shouldn’t have done it. But you wouldn’t talk to me for so long, and I just wanted to know….something about who you were now. And of course, there were the-”

“I swear to god, mother; if you say porgs-”

“Well, I won’t say it. But you know the situation and you can figure out for yourself what the right thing to do is.”

“You’re right. I can. I am fully capable of making an informed decision, thank you.” She ignored the acid in my tone.

“I’m sorry for what happened with Rey as well. She’s a good girl, and I think she really cares for you.”

“I know.” I said, softening my tone. “I can make my own decision about that, too.” 

She nodded. We were quiet for a minute while I watched the pancakes. I put a stack in front of her and turned back to the stove before she spoke.

“I want you to know something. Even though we don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, I love you. I always have, Ben. I’m sorry if I ever gave you cause to doubt it.”

“Can I ask you something?” 

“What?”

I balked. “Do you need syrup for those?”

“Ben-” 

“Okay. Fine.” I plunked the syrup down on the counter anyway. “Are you ashamed of me?”

“For growing up to be an unrepentant capitalist? For trying to emulate the worst human being I’ve ever known just to spite me?”

“Okay, first off, whatever else he was, he was a genius. Is it so wrong to want to achieve that level of professional success?”

“I don’t know, does it come at the cost of innocent lives?”

“No! Not for me, it hasn’t. At least, I don’t think so.” I made a mental note to look more closely into the operations of the companies that provided First Order with raw materials and parts components. No harm in making sure. “I only ever wanted to be like him because he seemed like everything I wasn’t and wished I was…. Strong, you know? Someone people didn’t fuck with.”

“No one messed with your grandfather because we all lived in fear of him, Ben. He was a cruel and violent man. I don’t think that deep down, that’s who you are. That’s the only reason I was ever disappointed. But ashamed?”

“I didn’t mean because of that.”

“Then-” I met her gaze and held it, and then she finally understood what I was asking. “Oh, Ben. No, sweetheart.”

“Then why?” I erupted. “Why did you do it? Why send me halfway across the globe rather than have to face the truth of what happened to me?”

“Is that what you think I did?” She watched me for a moment. “Ben, let me tell you something that you may find hard to believe. Everything I’ve ever done as your parent - any mistakes I made, or decisions that you don’t agree with - I _own_ them, okay? I know I’ve messed up. But everything I did, I did because I thought it was what was best for you.” I snorted, and she went on. 

“When I sent you to Snoke in the first place, it was because I thought you needed help. When you were born - that first six months, I had the worst case of postpartum depression. Therapy pulled me out of that, helped me function again. I thought it would help you deal with your father leaving; I had no way of knowing what he was. No one had any idea. Do you honestly think I haven’t lived with the guilt of that every day since? Do you think I could look myself in the mirror, knowing I’d delivered you right into the mouth of the wolf?” 

“I have no idea what you felt about it, since you never saw fit to tell me.” 

“I’m sorry. I should have talked to you more. I see that now. I was pretty much on my own at that point, you know, as far as making a decision. Your dad and I could barely have a conversation about the weather without it turning into a fight by that point. And that’s when he was around. I wasn’t really equipped to handle the situation on my own. You know I didn’t even tell my brother what had happened?”

“Wait, what? Luke didn’t know?” I guess that explained why there had been no mention of any of it in his journals. She shook her head.

“I thought Switzerland would be a clean break for you. A chance to get away and start fresh without being reminded at every turn. I thought that was what you needed. I wasn’t ashamed of you, Ben. Not _ever_.”

“What I needed was my mother. What I needed was for that monster to be put away so he couldn’t hurt anyone else. How many more kids went through what I did because you basically covered for him? Who _replaced_ me when I went away, huh?”

“I’m not proud of it!” She shouted, before making a visible effort to subdue herself. “I know I should have handled it differently. I just… I wanted to spare you further trauma. The scrutiny, the whispers. I didn’t want your whole life to be defined by something you had no control over! And you know what? I was right. I was. Whether you can see that or not. You weren’t here when it all came out, you didn’t see how it went down. Sure, once the evidence came out, the tide of public opinion turned against him, but before that, he was so _popular_. So respected. When he was first accused, the way the media treated the victims - it was terrible, Ben. They dragged them through the mud. Their pictures were everywhere, all the ugly details aired for the public….that girl, Bazine: the one who testified before the grand jury on TV….they raked through her life with a fine-toothed comb looking for ways to discredit her.” I remembered Bazine. Not from the news; from the waiting room. I remembered the silent looks we’d exchanged, the hollow, haunted emptiness in her eyes. “I spared you that. I won’t deny that it was wrong. Selfish, even; to put you first at the expense of the others. But right or wrong, I did it out of love for you.” Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. I could feel the truth of what she was saying, but I couldn’t resist getting one last jab in.

“You talk about innocent lives - did you know she killed herself? Bazine. Couple of years ago. Drug overdose.” The tears spilled over now, silently. My mother hung her head and they dripped through the channels of her wrinkled face, careworn but still beautiful, and landed in the pancakes. “Did Dad know? ….About Snoke, I mean. I always assumed he did, but I always assumed you’d told uncle Luke, too.”

“Your father knew _something_ had happened, I think, but no, I never told him what. If I had, he’d have killed the man. Simple as that. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but…. What good would it have done, really? He’d have gone to jail, ruined the rest of his life, and for what? It wouldn’t have changed anything for you, and you’d have lost your father, too. No, I made the call on my own, and I’ve been living with the consequences ever since. I know you hate me for it, and I’m sorry.” She dissolved completely into tears now, and couldn’t speak anymore. 

I came around the counter and sat next to her. After a long pause, I said, “I don’t. Hate you, I mean. I don’t. I was really angry with you for a long time; Luke was helping me work through it. It felt like you’d rejected me - either because of…. Or even before, maybe. My feelings about Dad leaving are all tangled up with it….”

She had composed herself a little. “Your father and I always had a love/hate relationship, Ben. We were bickering from the moment we met. Our failure to make it work had nothing to do with you. I want you to know that. He loved you so much. We both did. And we never meant for you to feel rejected.” She turned to me, collapsing against my chest. “Please forgive me, sweetheart. I did the best I could. You’re all I have left.”

As I sat there in the kitchen, holding my mother as her tears stained the silk of the kimono, I felt lighter, somehow. For years I’d been telling myself that I’d let the past die. That I’d burned these bridges and that none of it mattered to me anymore. I’d told myself the lie so often for so long that I’d come to believe it. Maybe Luke was right and we all did that about something. I could see now that pushing it away and never looking at it - as I’d tried to do for years - wasn’t the same thing as letting it go. If the past was dead, I had been dragging its bloated corpse behind me like an anchor. _No more_ , I decided. It wasn’t going to happen overnight, but I would find a way to leave it behind. 

“Okay, Mom. It’s okay. Don’t cry, allright?” 

“Knock, knock- oh…. _Woah_.” said Rey, from the doorway.

“Good morning, dear.” Leia answered, pulling out of the hug and wiping her eyes with the back of a spotted hand. Rey didn’t notice. She was looking at me. 

“‘Morning.” said Rey perfunctorily. She was staring hard, and I couldn’t quite interpret her expression: was it urgency? Approval? and I could feel my ears getting red as I stood there, watching my mother watch her watch me. Suddenly she sniffed and turned, distracted by the smell of food. “Are those pancakes? Are you gonna finish that?” Without waiting for an answer, she started in on what was left of them, and I resigned myself to making another batch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my heart hurts, y'all. this is the last of the angst, it's all plot resolution and fluff from here on out! (maybe a lil smut, we'll see). like in real life, there's no perfect resolution. it's just gonna take time. at least the lines of communication are open now and they've faced some things.


	29. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey finds out some of just what exactly has been going on around here.

When we’d finished breakfast, Leia excused herself. Lando was coming over to help her make the arrangements for her brother, and she had to make herself presentable, she said.

“Is there anything you need me to do?” Ben asked solicitously. It made me happy to see how tender he’d been with her the last two days. It gave me hope that maybe with time they’d be able to work things out. 

“No, dear; that’s all right. I’ll be fine. You go on, I’m sure you have plenty to do at the office.” She smiled gently at us and it felt somehow like a benediction. As she left the room, I remembered.

“Oh no! The office! That reminds me, I needed to talk to you!” Ben looked at me with concern in his dark eyes. “I meant to tell you right away, but I got...distracted.” My eyes wandered over his big frame and the way the cream and gold silk hid just enough for decency, while leaving broad expanses of him exposed. I licked my lips and they tasted like syrup. He smirked at me and cleared his throat. 

“Ahem.”

“Oh, right. Sorry.” I recounted the story of what I’d seen in the office the night before, including DJ’s cryptic statement. _I know your secret._ Weirdly, Ben seemed a lot less disturbed than I was.

“Don’t worry about it.” he said, smoothly brushing off my concerns. He disappeared, dressing quickly in yesterday’s suit. “You mind if we stop at my place for a change of clothes?”

“You look fine. We’re going to be late.”

“We’re not going into the office today.” He checked his watch. “We have plenty of time.”

If we weren’t going in, why did it matter what time it was? And why didn’t he care that DJ was obviously up to something? I remembered what Leia had said about her feeling that Ben might be in some kind of trouble, and I wondered if her instincts had been right. Then again, maybe that had just been an excuse to justify her actions. Though my annoyance with her had faded somewhat, I still felt a little defensive on Ben’s behalf.

We were only at his apartment for a few minutes; just long enough for him to change into a clean black sweater and dark jeans. It looked mostly as I had remembered it. There was only one notable difference. In front of the window, in pride of place, sat a fern. It was potted in a repurposed plastic tub that clashed glaringly with the uniformly expensive and well-designed …..everything else in the place. 

“You kept it? It _survived_?” I asked, incredulous.” He shrugged, a little abashed. It actually looked really healthy. He must have been watering it diligently - it even looked a bit fuller than I’d remembered. 

“Someone whose opinion I value told me I needed some growth around here.” He gently ushered me back out to the car. 

“So you do still value my opinions? Well you can rest easy, I’m done beating you over the head with them. There’s no point, anyway.”

“What do you mean, there’s no point?” 

“I mean there’s literally no way to conduct your business in a way that’s totally harm free. Or just about any business, really. I’ve been doing research, wracking my brain for ideas….. it’s totally overwhelming. If you’re not hurting people, you’re hurting the environment somehow. Which ultimately hurts people. Anything you do has _some_ kind of cost. And even if by some miracle I was able to make everything First Order does weigh out on the positive side of the scales, it’s still only one of a thousand corporations like it, most of which are run by people who don’t even _pretend_ to give a fuck. It feels pointless to even keep trying. And then I feel like I’m losing myself and my ideals. Like, if it’s all relative, then who am I? What do I even believe anymore? 

He pulled into an empty parking lot and parked the car, turning it off before he spoke. 

“Look, Rey. For a long time I’ve looked at it like this: Every shitty thing that ever happened was convenient for somebody. The trick is to make sure you’re _that_ guy instead of the one the shitty thing happened _to_. It took you to make me realize that isn’t good enough; that I can do better - that I have a responsibility to _be_ better than that. Fear of being seen as weak is no excuse. Acting out of that fear is the real weakness.”

“You’re like, one of the strongest people I know. You know that, right?”

“That’s not my point. My point is, it isn’t a zero-sum game. If someone falls short sometimes, or gets overwhelmed, that doesn’t undo everything else good they’ve done or tried to do. You don’t need to quit caring or trying to save the world just because it’s harder and more complicated than you first thought. Your idealism is part of who you are, and the fact that you care so much is part of why I love you.”

“You love me?”

“I must; I let you tweak my management strategy.”

He ran his hand through his black hair and frowned. “I don’t mind that you try to influence me to be better. It’s good, okay? Just...don’t always assume the worst of me. It’s one thing when everybody else does it; it doesn’t bother me then. It’s different when it’s you. When it’s family.”

I let that sink in. He loved me. He considered me family. Everything I’d ever wanted was right here, and if a little moral compromise was what it cost, maybe….

Maybe it was worth it. I hesitated for just a moment before launching myself across the center console to kiss him. 

Ben’s car was not really made for a man of his size, and little enough space though there was in the driver’s seat usually, there was even less with me in it. Not that there was any chance of that stopping me. I’d straddled him in no time, and we were urgently pawing at one another, tongues in each other’s mouths, when we were surprised by a knock at the window. I climbed back into my own seat as Ben rolled it down. 

A dark, nondescript sedan had pulled up right next to us in the empty lot. For the first time since we’d pulled in, I took note of our surroundings. The building the lot belonged to seemed to be an abandoned Kmart or something similar. I wondered if we were allowed to be here. 

Then I saw who had knocked. 

“Did I interrupt something? M-M-My bad.” said DJ, leering over his dark mirrored glasses at me. Some sort of badge was hanging around his neck, but it was obscured by the angle at which he was standing and I couldn’t make it out. Strapped to his hip was a holstered handgun.

“You’re early.” retorted Ben, checking his watch again.

“Maybe. They don’t p-pay _me_ Rolex money.” he cocked his head at the Rolex in question, then held out his hand to Ben expectantly. “Keys?” 

Ben removed a key from his keyring and dropped it into DJ’s open palm. He raised a device of some sort to his face and murmured into it unintelligibly (to me). As if on cue, a _lot_ more vehicles started streaming into the parking lot. DJ walked away from us, approaching the line of vans parading onto the lot so as to direct them. 

“You’re going to explain, right? Where are we? What are we doing here? What the hell is his deal?”

“Yeah. Just...give me a minute.” He sat watching with an unreadable expression while a not insignificant number of people started piling out of the vans and into the building, which appeared to have just been unlocked with Ben’s key. Finally, after what felt like forever, he began.

“You know how long it took me to figure out that you weren’t quite who you said you were?” 

“In fairness, I never lied about who I was, just... where I worked and went to school.” 

“Not the point, Rey. The point is, it didn’t take me nearly as long with him.” He nodded towards DJ.

“Wait, so who is he? I thought he was Ohnaka’s guy.”

“Yeah, so does Ketsu. Who I had my suspicions about from the beginning. So when I figured out what DJ was up to, he and I came to an arrangement.”

The first of the dark-clad men who had entered the building were coming back out, carrying with them computer equipment. They streamed out, loading the vans with tech while DJ coordinated their movements, gesturing and calling directions to them. I stared blankly at Ben, waiting for the information that would make this all make sense. 

“It turns out that the reason Ohnaka was so keen to set up a server farm offshore was because the data they wanted us to process was… not legal. DJ is an FBI agent. He’s been working undercover to build a case for Interpol against Ohnaka for a while now. I offered my full cooperation, of course. Rather than invest the full amount of the funds they gave us in the site as we’d originally planned, we set up something quick and dirty to get things moving faster.”

“So, _this_ is the server farm?” 

“On a smaller scale than originally intended. But from so far away, Ohnaka had no way of knowing I hadn’t stuck to the plan, especially with DJ reporting back that all was well. In any case, it was enough for them to start sending us shit.” His face hardened as he watched the proceedings.

“What kind of….”

“You name it. Ohnaka’s got his hands in all kinds of pies, apparently. The worst of the dark web: arms dealing, money laundering, human trafficking, child p-….” 

“-Shit. That’s terrible. _You’re_ not in any trouble, right?” 

“No. I practically handed them this collar; if anything, they owe me one now. Besides, I have an excellent lawyer. I told you, I have the situation under control. In fact, if everything works out the way I think it will, we should actually come out ahead on the deal. Most of Ohnaka’s investment didn’t actually get spent, and what they’re confiscating is pretty easy for us to replace considering we made all of it.”

I looked at Ben with a new appreciation. “I can’t tell whether you’re a hero for helping put that creep away or an evil genius for figuring out how to spin this into come-up.”

He shrugged. “Bold of you to assume I can’t be both. Duality of man, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are coming together, I hope in a way that satisfies! As i tie up my loose ends in a bow, I am now thinking I will probably extend the chapter count to 31 and include an epilogue. Also, I've made the decision to post a connected series of oneshots/drabbles/outtakes from this story (i have seven planned as of now). 
> 
> my love and thanks to everyone who has come this far with me! I look forward to hearing from you. See you in the comments and on tumblr at @onesharedbraincell!


	30. The Proposal

When we went back to my mother’s later, to wake the dead, Lando was running the show. He greeted people, smiling and pressing flesh as he coordinated deliveries of food and flowers. She sat in state in the sitting room as friends and acquaintances dropped in to pay their respects to Luke. 

I’d always thought of my uncle as something of a hermit; a guy with little to no social life. It was only now that I got a glimpse of how many people he’d impacted in the community. His old friends may have been dispersed by time and circumstance, but Luke had made plenty of new ones among the energetic young people who devoted their time to the nonprofit. Many of them seemed genuinely broken up about having lost him. 

Among them was Finn, who showed up with his partners in tow. Rose looked at me oddly, clearly confused as to what I was doing there, but either she didn’t try to approach me, or he steered her away. From the way he glared at me, I had to assume he’d gotten an unedited version of the breakup. I didn’t blame him for hating me. It was a totally reasonable response. 

Chuy showed up eventually, with bottles in tow. It wasn’t long before Lando had retired his position as Master of Ceremonies and they were both well on their way to the bottom of one, arms wrapped around one another as they shout-sang old songs and tag-teamed their way through stories about the good old days for anyone who would listen. My mother seemed cheered by their presence, and generally everyone was in high spirits. If I hadn’t known better, I might not have guessed that we were recently bereaved.

Which was how Luke would have wanted it, probably. The animosity I’d felt towards my uncle growing up had evaporated, leaving behind only regret that it hadn’t happened earlier. Rey understood, I could tell. She stuck by my side with a fierce loyalty, defiant in the face of the whispers and sideways looks from those present who either didn’t know my connection to the family, just my reputation as a stereotypical corporate villain; or who did know and therefore understood something of the conflicts that had preceded my being here. Under normal circumstances I might have walked out, but having her there, feeling the pressure of her hand in mine, made it tolerable, if not exactly pleasant. I was grateful and amazed that she still wanted to be with me in the face of everything that had happened; everything I was and had been. 

I was anxious, keyed up. I wanted them all to leave. I was ready for the next bit.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Luke had requested a simple memorial - a get-together with all of his friends at the house, and then later for the family to scatter his remains in nature. He wasn’t particular about where, Leia told us, so long as it was beautiful. He looked forward to being “reunited with the universe and becoming part of all things again.” The first part was going off without a hitch. Leia, regal but subdued to a greater degree than usual, was in good hands. Lando and Chuy (who I recognized as the hairy bartender Ben had hired for the company party, but who I understood to be an old friend of the family) doted on her, never leaving her alone for a moment and going to ridiculous lengths to make her smile. 

I tried to do the same for Ben - the support, at least, if not the silliness. He seemed tense and agitated and I knew it must be hard for him to make small talk with all these people who, for one reason or another, wondered what he was doing here. Finn, in particular, was looking daggers at him every time I caught his eye. _Oh well, I’ll deal with him later_ , I told myself. He’d come around eventually. 

Long after most people had left, Maz arrived. She came straight from the airport, having caught the first flight out. She had barely any luggage, only a shoulder bag and a square parcel about the size of a basketball, which she assured Ben she’d held in her lap the whole flight, “Like a baby.” At my insistence, he opened it. 

Inside was a ceramic vessel veined with gold, which criss-crossed its rounded form with irregular shapes and patterns. It was the pot the fern had come in; the one I’d bought him. The one he’d shattered against the wall in his rage the night we’d broken up. A craftsman had painstakingly reassembled the shards, healing the gaps and fissures with pure gold. It was a hundred times more beautiful than it had been before, and the perfect visual metaphor. It said that nothing was ever too broken to be fixed. It said that there was value and beauty in not giving up. As he turned it in his hands, Ben’s eyes were very soft.

Leia was gently slurring her words, flushed and crackling with drink. Lando and Chuy were shitfaced. Chuy was telling me all about Ben’s initial reaction to me - “And he was all, Chuy, what do I doooo? She’s so prettttyyyyy. And you know what?” He said, affectionately grabbing me by the shoulder and shaking me a little. “He was right. Look at this smile!

“You should have seen her before I got ahold of her. I tell you, my friend, I am an artist underappreciated in his time.” said Lando confidentially.

“No,” replied Chuy. I see you, man. You always had a real cool style. What is that, a cape? That’s baller. I appreciate you, brother.”

Seeing Ben through a window, alone in the courtyard, I followed him outside, leaving the elders to bond. Behind me I heard Leia ask, “I can’t believe he went to you for dating advice. So whatd’ja you tell him?”

“He better respect her agency or he was gonna be sorry is what i told him.”

Maz called out from the kitchen, where she was making tea; “That’s why you’re my boyfriend, Chuy.”  
“Aww, I thought it was “cause I was so good lookin’.”

I shut the door and went to where Ben was sitting on a stone bench. The night was quiet, the air fresh and scented with flowers. I sat down next to him in silence for a while, not sure what to say.

“So what happens now?” I finally asked him, when I’d drained my cup and couldn’t stand it anymore. “With the original site. You never said.”

“Liquidated the asset. Sold it.” 

“Oh.” It wasn’t what I’d hoped, but at least we couldn’t fight over it anymore. It was out of my hands. I’d tried. I turned to look at him. His hands were clenched, white-knuckled around his knees. “Probably for the best,” I tried to reassure him, before changing the subject. “I liked the book.”

“What?”

“ _North and South_. I liked it. A little on the nose, maybe…”

“You read it? Already?” He sounded incredulous.

“It’s been weeks. I can read. I’m uneducated, but it’s not _that_ bad.”

“I didn’t say that- I don’t. You’re smart, Rey. You should go to school if you want, it’s obviously a sore spot. But I don’t think less of you because you haven’t. You know that, right?”

“I didn’t actually. So...thanks. And as far as addressing the sore spot, you understand that I can’t just... _go_ to school, right? 

“Don’t be ridiculous, of course you can. I’ll help pay for it, obviously. You’re worth the investment. You’re going to stay on and help me run First Order, I hope.”

I nodded. Leia would understand. “Sorry - who’d you sell it to? I promise I’ll drop it, I just want to know.” He laughed, raking a hand through his hair. 

“Me,” he admitted. My confusion must have shown on my face, because he added, “I’d hoped to make a wedding present of it.”

“A - “

He reached into a pocket, and pulling his hand out again, held it out to me. In it was a ring - a simple circlet of the same gold, crafted by Maz’s friend. It was set with a single stone, large enough that it needed no others to enhance it. I gaped at it.

“Before you ask, it’s conflict-free. I made sure. And the other thing...it isn’t conditional. I’ll sign the property over to you either way. Turn it into a sanctuary, or a preserve, or whatever. It’s yours to do with what you will. As am I.”

Our eyes met and the vulnerability and need in his expression was unbearable. There was never any question what my answer was going to be. There were plenty of reasons why hesitating would have been the sensible response. None of them mattered in the slightest. He looked at me with those dark eyes and said “Please,” and next thing I knew, the ring was on my finger, I had thrown myself into his arms, and he was laughing in between kisses.

We couldn’t get back to his place soon enough, especially since we had to go through a gauntlet of drunk boomers who wanted to love on us both before we could leave. A wordless shared understanding kept us from telling them the good news just yet. For this one night, it would be just ours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> up next - cake.


	31. Epilogue: Let Them Eat Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope no one gets a cavity from this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay on this, I wanted to post the whole ending together but I found myself unable to write the real fluff for a little while due to my own mindset being too negative/cynical. trying times. Hope it hits like it should!

It was humid in the tent. Outside rain was threatening, and I was trying not to panic. 

“How does it look out there?” Rose quit fussing with my hair long enough to stick her head out of the flap. 

“Still dry, but don’t worry! Rain is lucky at a wedding!”

“Is it too soon? Tell me - _honestly_. Do you think we rushed into this?” She gave me a searching look before pulling up a camp chair opposite me. She sat, grabbing my nervous hands away from the hem of the simple white dress to stop me from creasing it. 

“Okay, yes. It’s fast. I mean, you guys just asked me for a relationship disclosure form at work...what, three weeks ago?”

“Almost four.” I corrected her, trying not to sound defensive.

“So let’s call it a month. And before that you were apart for two?”

“And together for a week before that,” 

“It’s not a lot of time. Anyone that’s worried about that…” I noticed she was choosing her words carefully, not naming anyone in particular. Which was silly - we both knew who we were talking about. Finn’s disapproval of the fact that Ben and I were back together was part of why Rose and I had become so much closer in the last few weeks. She was by far the most enthusiastic of my friends when it came to my relationship. “...they’re worried that...maybe you guys aren’t totally stable, and that if there are more surprises…”

I cut her off. “Nope, we’re done with those. Everybody knows everything about everybody.”

“That’s what I’m getting to.” she continued, “It hasn’t been very long by the calendar, but you guys went all in - I mean, you spend all your time together. _At_ work, out of work, you’re joined at the hip. And you’ve traveled together: you learn so much about a person from things like that. You probably know each other a lot better than most couples that have been together the same amount of time, right?”

“He knows me better than anybody. I mean….at least as well as anybody else. And I think he understands me better.”

“And you love him?” I quirked an eyebrow at her and she laughed merrily, releasing my hands and adjusting the tiny plumbago blossoms that were woven into the little braids that circled my head like a crown “Obviously you love him. Do _you_ have doubts?” I shook my head - carefully, so as not to disturb the flowers. “So who cares what anyone else thinks?”

She clocked my expression. “Finn will come around, I promise. He just wants what’s best for you, and maybe he needs some more convincing that Ben’s it. You guys have the rest of forever to prove it to him. And Poe likes him, or he wouldn’t have agreed to officiate.” She peeked out from behind the flap again, and what she saw made her squeal a little. 

“I think they’re ready for us!” she said, unable to keep the excitement out of her voice. She held the flap aside and I followed her out. 

There was more than one reason to be at the cliffs today. It had seemed, ultimately, like the perfect place to fulfill Luke’s last request; so we’d sprinkled his ashes there. A breeze had carried them gently out to sea, and everyone had said a few words, culminating with Leia’s brave “Well, now that my mascara’s already running, we may as well have a wedding!” Next week sometime, we would dedicate the land as a nature preserve which would be held open to the public and install signage establishing the rules for its use. 

Right now, though; there was only this.

The scenery was transformed in the light of the setting sun, which blazed orange in the distance as it sank behind the horizon. Sky and water both seemed to burn around it before fading distantly into a wash of purple and grey. Everyone that mattered was here, waiting. I couldn’t look at them.

I could only see him. Lanky limbs fidgeting with a nervousness he rarely showed. He’d used the half hour I’d spent getting myself ready to cast off the funereal black of his everyday attire. Instead, he was wearing a beautifully cut suit made of soft grey wool. His dark hair was tucked back behind his ginormous ears. He looked up, saw me, and a smile broke Ben’s face wide open in a toothy grin. His eyes crinkled. _He’s so damn cute._ There was no music, or any aisle to speak of, so maybe no one judged me too harshly for practically running to meet him at the cliff’s edge.

There, before the small group of our friends who had become like family and the family member who was finally becoming something like a friend to us both, we made our promises. To love and honor (but not to obey) for as long as we both should live. When Ben and I kissed, Poe let out a whoop that, along with the other cheers, disturbed the porgs, who rose en masse from the cliffs and wheeled gloriously through the sky behind us before settling down again.

We went back to Leia’s after, for a party catered by Chuy’s place. I was reeling, ecstatic. Music rang out through the courtyard as people took turns playing DJ. There was cake, which I tried in vain to keep off of my borrowed dress. I was trying to rub a little spot of frosting off of my boob when Ben snaked an arm around my waist, pressing himself against my back as he purred in my ear. “You look gorgeous in that, by the way.”

“It was your mom’s”

“I know, which is why I feel a little guilty for wanting to rip it off of you.” He pressed his lips to my neck, moving aside the waves of hair that hung loose beneath the braid. 

“How’d my hair hold up? I still can’t believe you know how to do that.” I said, referring to the braids. He’d done them for me that morning at the kitchen table, his fingers deft and gentle. He laughed.

“Perfect. Can’t wait to mess it up.” He tousled it then, with no warning, prompting a cry of outrage from me as he casually ruined the careful arrangement. 

“What are you _doing?_ ” I exclaimed, as he dove away from my swatting hands. Ben grinned devilishly, and somewhere behind me I heard Leia say:

“Oh-ho, I know _that_ look. Used to get that one from his father….” 

The music changed abruptly then, pulling me out of the moment. I looked up to find Finn at the laptop as the gentle strains of a ballad replaced the upbeat pop number that had been playing moments before. He smiled at me, a little wistful, and winked. And just like that, everything was okay. Not okay. _Perfect._

And then, unbelievably, it got even better. Ben, hearing the music, straightened up and came back, pulling me in close to him.

“May I have this dance, Mrs. Solo?”

“Don’t you mean Mrs. Ren? Didn’t you change it legally? You know, I’m having a little bit of a secondhand identity crisis over here; I don’t even know whose name I’m supposed to be taking. Maybe I should just be Rey Nothing. Besides, I thought you didn’t dance.”

Holding my hand in one of his and placing the other at the small of my back, Ben swept me into a simple waltz, which he managed with relative ease. Impressed, I grinned at him. I wondered how long he’d been practicing. “I’ve been working on a few things,” he shrugged, as he led me around the courtyard. “And it doesn’t matter what your name is. To me, you’re everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sad to be ending this story - these characters have been living rent free in my head for a long time now! but i'm proud of myself for actually finishing. This was my first fic in this fandom, and only the third i've ever attempted. the response from readers has bowled me over and been such a gift! I love every single one of you that has read this whole thing and gone on this journey with me, and I _never_ get tired of hearing from you! if you enjoyed this, please check out my other writing - I have a few things in progress and a lot of ideas still in development. Hope to see you around!


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